Luna

Water.  It’s cleansing. Pure. Clears you of your sins. Maybe that’s why it’s water. It was going to be Water after Smoke. It relates to it but I can’t explain how. I think it really should’ve come after it. Why? Gossip is like sins…

And people love to gossip, other people love to believe and spread it. Still don’t quite understand the fascination of idle talk and want no part of it or the people that perpetuate it. I’ve spent the better part of the year chasing gossip with a metaphorical fly swatter to stop it instead of simply letting it happen. I’ve finally decided to let it happen and let it go. It didn’t hurt but it’s hard to watch people mistreat you without just cause because of someone’s lies especially after you’ve shown them compassion. Yes, gossip is hurtful & unnecessary manipulation. Look dolls, the manipulating won’t get you the job, the accomplishments or the man or woman but a lot of bad karma for yourself later. 

To dispel my own rumors for the record… I’m currently just living, hanging out with friends and pursuing my passions. I stay in and work out more than pop off at a concert or in the club. I still meditate, practice Buddhism & Christian beliefs. I don’t do drugs or get involved with my exes, married or taken men. Dated a bit this year and currently not involved not that it’s anyone’s business. I buckled down and modified my exercise routine & diet, started taking herbs and improved my health because I don’t believe in taking drugs, antibiotics & painkillers to mend broken bones or heal tattoos. Sorry to be so boring if you were hoping for something titillating it’s been a weird journey for me too but I am happy & grateful every day for my friends and family whom I love & adore to pieces. I hope this helps with the speculation which no one should have to ever clarify. 

Here’s a piece from Water about time spent alone. You’re supposed to be alone once and again. You know, it’s part of the cycle of living.  Making your way through water to swim or move… you have to do it alone. I recently found out one of my favorite Ken’s is in love and I couldn’t be happier for him… despite his luck in the past he’s always been such a charmer with this doll, so this is wonderful news. I do love to see the love even when I’m flying solo. 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Luna

Spinning backwards into my own cocoon of water after I push his hand away again, I need to move forward on my own. I insist he moves on without me and I’ll catch up. There’s nothing like trust and sometimes making my own way is necessary. It’s a full moon and there’s nothing like a midnight swim to calm the mind. 

“Luna,” he says with a calm resolve, “Your mind wanders too much.” 

“How do you mean?” I ask him. 

“You already are ahead of me with your words and movements.” 

With a smile I move away from the dock and reach up out of the ocean currents. “If you want you can catch some waves while I swim out to the breaker.” 

“It’s fine. Go on. I’ll go back to the house and take Miko for a walk.”

We nearly lost each other once and we’re thankful to both be alive. The waves weren’t the issue then, the weight of the water was. He couldn’t let go of the unnecessary gear tying us down. 

Tied down. Halfway to the breaker, I’m caught. There’s a fishing line wrapped around my ankle. It’s tight but I’m agile with my movements. Quickly my fingers make work of the tiny wires in the cold waters. Knowing I’m not moving fast enough I ascend. With a gasp I’m up in the night again and back underwater wrestling with my anchor. 

To my surprise an set of extra fingers snaps the invisible cord and I find my freedom. Mostly silence echoes across the ocean currents as I emerge, until I hear Miko’s splashing paws as Griffin’s warm arms wrap around me. 

“I can’t leave you alone for a second!” the laughter escapes me.

“Almost lost my mind without you and Miko preferred a swim.”

Photo Credit: Diego Munoz

Feelings

 

 

Trying to control feelings is like stopping up water. You know like in a dam. Some feelings are fun. I like the fun ones. Don’t you? The tortured and twisted ones are not my favorites but I feel them nonetheless. You can’t pretend the negative ones don’t exist, that’s no good. Even the most serene and calm Buddhist Monk or Zen master will have an emotional outburst given the right circumstances. So you can’t deny them. You can control them, so you do. Maybe sometimes you act on them & something fun is out there? And that's ok too if no one gets hurt. Don’t you like fun? One of my favorite Ken’s knows how to have as much fun as I do. And despite what some of the ladies tell him… I still think he looks damn amazing doing it. ;)  

 

Anyhoo, here’s a new one from my new book Water. It had to be water. Why? It was supposed to be water two years ago, after it was Smoke. The funny thing about water is that Ms. M is always surrounded by it even though I’m a fire element. 

 

Do you control your feelings? Or live in the past? 

 

Enjoy!

 Kisses, m. 

 

 

Feelings

 

“Fuck your feelings.” He says coyly with a smirk and leans back in the shower. 

 

“I’d rather you were fucking me.” I fidget with the cheap robe that the Four Seasons provided in the suite. Another time I can’t believe I caved in and I’m with a man I swore I’d never because he’s…

 

“No good,” the almond milk is spoiled. Erica says it with a disdain that tells me she’s convinced I’ll throw it out because of her smell test which is rarely ever in agreement with the date on the package. 

 

“It’s fine.  Don’t use it.” I tell her and move back to the poetry of writing my paper.

 

“It’s exasperating when you force yourself to do things you don’t want to.” My sister echoes with her own brand of self punishment as she pours the milk into her coffee. 

 

“Oh I want to,” I scream out loud as I press him up against the shower wall letting the water spill over us. When I know I should be forcing myself to stop I don’t, because it feels good. I don’t feel bad in spite of how we really are with each other. 

 

“Of course you want to,” he says and pulls me against him. The water splashing against my back feels incredible as his lips find their way across my skin. Our breathing sounds mingle with echoes of water spilling down the drain to fill the silence.

 

Silently drinking her coffee, Erica slowly pours what remains of the almond milk down the drain. Knowing she wants a response, I ignore her. Loudly she insists “I’m saving you from hurting yourself.” 

 

“Of course you are.” 

 

When he knows I’m aching for more he says it, “Saving the best for last. Waiting hurts, doesn’t it?”

 

“Of course it does.”

Photo credit: Tyler Shields 

Universe Rules

The universe has its own rules. You can go against the order and it's fun to watch someone do that. Or you can go with it. I like to go with it whether there's joy, tears or anger to see what happens from it. Now I don't unpack and live in the dark places but I visit them because it's sanity.

Yes... You get good karma by doing good things. You do bad things vice versa. And sometimes karma hurts the ones you love instead so be careful. So why do bad things happen to good people? Honestly, to remove them from a  situation. 

Recently life has been hard for the universe is pressing me to change & make the choice to distance myself from bad energy. No, I'm not ready to deal but we never are. Nonetheless I've been letting my self compassion and self love guide me.

So my job dumped on me. Overwhelming meanness of needless kinds. I have cried a lot, it's hard to cope when the shell of perception breaks for the first time. But eventually you learn how to deal because you care for yourself. 

I've lost a friends over the last while because I simply love myself too much to condone abuse of myself or others through their actions. It is hard to see how departure is positive but it's been nothing but good fortune in my life. The universe is working to your highest good at all times. 

An ex and a friend of the ex have propositioned me in the last 48hrs. My ex has a girlfriend. The friend does as well. Got angry with this situation because I don't believe in adultery or have a desire to be with the friend of an ex even if he is single. But I'm letting it go. Life isn't a TV show. That's messiness for no reason and again my self love goes further than that. 

So where does Buddha or God help? Compassion and forgiveness do not mean you have to let situations or people mistreat you or others without accountability. We are all on this earth to be happy & kind. Anything else is noise. We are not good or bad people for choosing to stand our ground or have beliefs. It's necessary.

My suggestion, next time you are having a bad day/night or make someone's actions about you then retaliate to hurt them... Realize it's not about you. Ask them first & give them an out. They're someone's daughter, son, sister, brother, mother, father, friend, lover and etc. going through life. Let it go. It's your perception not theirs. Practice compassion and honesty with them before resorting to being mean, spreading problems (misinformation, lies, gossip) and creating hostile situations. Try to offer diplomacy. Why? You will find yourself or your loved ones in the same situation when karma is restored. If you want to burn your life then fine, but remember not everyone wants to join you. 

Anyhow, there's new writing I'm thinking of sharing instead of only publishing. Nothing I write is of others I know or around me. I won't discuss or defend it. With that I'll quote Matisse. 

Here's an old one about attempting to get what you want. 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Want

10/7/2010

Baby, pick up the phone. I want to talk to you. You know you want to talk about it. You always want to talk about it. Honey, it’s cold out here. I know you’re still in there cause you just hung up on me thirteen times. But I’m glad you decided to let the machine get it this time. It takes a bigger person to admit they’re wrong. Whoa Whoa… Baby, don’t hang up!

Don’t hang up! Please listen. I can be… I’m wrong. It can all be my fault. You were completely right about things. I should have never said that about your mother after I said that thing about your father. Let me in. Mr. Collier has just turned on his front porch light and has binoculars. I don’t want the neighbors to see. I know I should have left things be and thought about that before…  Damn!

Quit hanging up. Answer the line. Talk to me. Half the neighborhood can hear me yelling. And turning on the sprinklers was a low blow. What do you want? I can’t leave. Where am I gonna go like this? Let me in the house. I won’t break anything. Not that you haven’t already started. I can hear the dishes out here. Let me guess now you’ll want more dishes to break next time. WAIT!  

Hold on. What do you want? You don’t want my apology. You don’t want anything. You’ve shut me out here in the cold. There’s nothing but people gawking at us and listening to our… my conversation. You don’t care do you? That this all means nothing. You don’t know why it happened. But it’s my fault. So what now… What do I want? Let me tell you what I want. I just want my pants back.

Blow out!

Blow out love instead of blowing out anger, passive aggression or fear. Don't let your anxiety or insecurity get in the way of giving your love to the world. We are all meant to be happy not detract from each other's happiness.

Everyone needs a friend and if you're having a hard time then all you have to do is open up & tell someone. Acting too cool for school & hella tough to cover your true feels or evading friends & family completely will get you into more problems than what you started with. You ain't gotta be perfect to get love or support from the people in your life. You just have to show up and be open to receive it.

How you push people away is all you. No one else's fault. I personally have been known to push people away when I don't want to deal with things... Feels, situations, pressures, etc. So the best advice I can share that works for me: Take a compassionate hard look at how you're handling the pressures you've placed on yourself and how you're dealing with feeling afraid and then the people trying to help you.

Like I've said a bunch of times before, I don't always have the Buddhist answers for myself until I've experienced something or a situation and I'm ok with that. So it's ok if you don't have the answer to everything. But you have to be willing to give it a try to figure it out. Be completely open and honest with what you feel and have to offer others. Once you put your best foot forward, you'll see that others do the same. Figure out what comes next as you are able to. You have to let life and love in to be able to blow it out in all ways and aspects of your life. 

Here's an old piece that has nothing to do with hair and everything to do with blowing out love. 

Enjoy!

Kisses, 

m.

Blow

(3-23-2010)

Blow. Smooth lips pursed together. Red. Delicate. Tiny opening pushing out air. Cheeks strain with the slightest sense of pressure. Air escapes. The chaos amid the noisy cherry velvet room has no relevance. Stuck in this moment. Lighting lifts and dims without notice. Watching. Smiling mouth. Demure. Hand rises up to mouth once more. There it is. Blow. Lips press together in a soft unreturned kiss. Lowering hand thrusts the puff across the room at me. Landing directly upon my face. Smile. Happiness in my heart. The pulse pounding noise surrounding can not break this connection. Thick humidity deepens with the intensity of the crowd. Bodies pass inbetween. No matter. Eyes never leave. Lips stay full. Giggles escape from the soft red. My eyes are smiling with anticipation. Air drawn in again. Blow. An small ‘o’ forms with the gesture. Both hands reach upwards to hide the impending message. Silent. Discreet. Jumping outward and full of excitement. Sending the invisible soldier off into the open expanse. Ready. Aim. Target Acquired. Smile. Turn away. People interrupt. Embracing. Lips locking. Interruption to the beat of the drum. Up. Down. Wet. Tongues. Eyes open. Eyes closed. Neither is thinking the same thing. Disconnected. Break. Parting in different directions. Focus. Across the folding sea. Blow. Lips force an opening. Pushing out an intruding army of wind ready to make battle with any obstacles. Hand reaches up and outward to guide the path. Eyes follow the concealed missile toward its target. Distractions intercede. Path is blocked. Nothing but movement before my eyes. Heated pulsating flesh shoves and hits against my skin. Face buried in the warmth. Hidden. Losing the battle to the electricity of the mass. Hands grabbing and pulling. Sinking. Unknown faces. Smiling eyes. Blow. Air against my cheek. Familiar. Red. Revealed. Soft. Kiss.

Photo Credit: Tyler Shields 

Clean

"Clean... The cleanest I've been" - Depeche Mode

There's nothing wrong with a little dirty if you get clean afterwards. Clean slates are good things to begin with... But you can always wash it clean.  

Here's something new... From the Hair series. 

Enjoy! 

Kisses, m.

Clean

I'm wounded. 

Body exhausted.

Tired.

Achy. 

Dirty.

The day nearly stole my soul

And he demands attention. 

Eagerly waiting for me

He holds his gaze.

Too weak to refuse him

I submit.

Gently he disrobes me 

And with a nod I'm his.

Bare to his eyes. 

Open to his touch. 

Softly he massages my neck & back.

He insists upon my fulfillment. 

My body is tight.

Emotions closed off.

I'm needing release.

And he knows this. 

Tired of my excuses 

He persists.

Taking control.

The way he knows I like.

Moments of his hands press my body forward until I open up to him.

My sun kissed brown hair falls when he unravels it. 

Although unhappy with the abrupt change of color he says nothing while continuing to assert his will.

My hair falls and catches the air currents from the fan and begins bouncing like the wind has a hold.  

Gently he caresses my neck, my arms & breasts before kissing the top of my forehead. 

With a slight indication he lifts and carries me to the bathroom. Setting me down he motions to the bath. 

Quietly I draw the bathwater and wait. 

There's only still between us.

Silently he removes his clothing and reveals himself. 

His eyes look me up and down. 

Lips open with a smirk. 

Letting his fingers run across my skin he teases. 

With a quick gentleness he runs his hands up my spine, through my hair & moves my head to meet his. 

His breathing is calm and deep as he leans closer with his mouth.

With a gentle kiss, he encourages me to move toward the warm water with him.

Completely lost to my own will I hesitate.

His strong slender frame moves without mine.

In an instant he's at rest in the tub.

The gentleness of his arms insist me to join him while his eyes never break their stare.

As I follow his lead I'm lost in thoughts of the day trying to break my mind free.

Moving by his volition I untie myself from the memories that haunt.

It's only when he pulls me down to him and holds me in his arms that the day falls away. 

These feelings have never subsided.

I'm reminded how lost I am when I'm away from his arms. 

Dirty and consumed by the madness of the world. 

Found by his touch...

I'm clean.

Photo Credit: Tyler Shields

Two Goood

Let's try this again. There are many ways to see the world. You can make everything about you or you can see & accept it just the way it actually is... Nothing is about you. What people do & say is about them. Not you or me. It's fun to sit back and let people act out though. 

So let me ask you: what's going good? Forget the other people or what they think. What makes you feel good to do? You should be doing that. 

I love to look to things such as design, drawing, photography, writing and artwork to make me feel good. Sometimes it's volunteering, reading, doing yoga, meditating, being outdoors or at the gym. All of it validates my feeling good.

Lately yes, I'm blonde & fixating on Mr. Nagel's work. Looking for the different colored hair pieces I've yet to see.  Why? Identifying with the Nagel women because of their simplicity & strength inspires me. So yes I've found two examples of Nagels work. One I've seen but the other precedes it. They're both amazing & goes to show two different ways of seeing things.

Seeing negative is a choice. When you want to see positive that's all you'll see. Try doing something that makes you feel good about yourself. You'll forget about what the others are thinking. They don't matter anyways. 

PS: Thanks for the supportive emails, dolls! I'm glad you were touched by my words. Kisses! 

Here's an older one about seeing things differently. I'll share new soon. 

Enjoy! 

Kisses, m.

Good.

(3-11-2011)

“Good. Is that what the sign says? Come now, young man be a love and tell me.”

“Ma’am, that’s exactly what it says. Good. Well what do you think about that?”

“Good is what I tell George when he says that he understands. He’ll be sitting there on the porch swing listening to me talk about nothing. Sure enough whenever I finish a bit of gossip that man, bless his heart, he tells me I see. Most of the time my yarn is a matter of complete nonsense that he simply does not want to hear, but he’ll listen and nod my way. So clearly I can see the tilt of his head and a smirk upon his mouth in my mind right now. And funny but that’s the first thing I think of. And you, what do you find yourself thinking?”

“Something about the sign reminds me of when I was a small boy. My mother used to have me wash the laundry and hang it on the line. Whenever I was standing up on the patio chair, she would say “good” while I hung. For some reason that’s what my mind conjures from memory. And it wasn’t always good. In fact those days weren’t perfect when I remember them. Often my tiny hands would fumble. Fingers would find themselves dropping the close pins over and over. Sometimes I would even drop a sheet or two into the mud. Soiled and my mother continued to smile and nod. No matter if I soiled the sheets, she would always tell me the same thing, 'Good.'”

“Well, you know what they say?

“No. What is that?”

“There’s nothing better than a good sign.”

“And that’s a good one?”

“You know what I can’t think of any sign better than that.”

“Good.”

As

Jealousy is an ugly & negative emotion that’s linked to anger not love. It’s not reflective of how you feel about someone. There’s times where it’s justified and feels like an instinct but realize it’s brought upon by insecurity. No, in fact it does not mean someone loves you more or vice versa. You can show you care in a different manner.  In Buddhism it is considered a form of greed to allow jealousy to consume you. Buddhism teaches that we must understand where these emotions come from and release them. Try practicing mindfulness and metta. It helps me balance my negative emotions. 

 

Now, inciting jealousy in someone is also unnecessary. Talking with a friend isn’t meant to cause jealousness or insecurities. But deliberately inciting jealousy through actions is.  Personally when a man decides to try to  incite jealousy in moi, I immediately have nothing to do with him.  This behavior will always drive things apart. Why?  Inciting jealousy only shows how insecure you are. It shows lack of trust and little regard for your love. If you want attention or validation… let your love know because there are more positive ways to go about it. 

 

And ladies, if your paramour is a mutual friend of mine, rest assured he and I agreed long ago not to be more. Bottom Line:  I could never be with a taken or married man. Adultry goes against my catholic upbringing & my buddhist beliefs about causing harm to others.

 

Here’s one about jealousy from a new series that I’m not sure where it’s going but soon I will reveal. 

 

Enjoy 

Kisses, m.

 

 

As

 

As he stands, 

She follows.

With her eyes, 

She chases after him. 

 

As he moves 

Through the crowd

Closer to me, 

His eyes smile. 

Noticing a familiar face.

It’s been a while. 

A friend. 

 

As he nears 

She scowls,

Pouting 

Like a child. 

Opening a book, 

She feigns nonchalance. 

 

As he nears 

I find myself

Leaning back.

I feel myself

Crawling inward

Wanting  to close my eyes. 

Thinking of waving him away

But I don’t. 

With a hint of sass and smirk, 

I let the moment unfold. 

 

As time has never passed 

Between our meetings,

Without pause, 

He’s pulled me

Into a hug. 

Quiet and brief,

Followed by a laugh. 

That’s far too loud. 

Ending with a smile. 

That goes on forever.

 

As our eyes part briefly

I can see her 

Without Calm. 
She’s hardly breathing. 

The gaze in her eyes,

Hardly masks her anger

Mixed with fear.

Gently mounting tears, 

Are close, 

When she swallows hard.

 

As my trepidation

Grows.

She‘s listening close,

Awaiting his story’s end. 

When it comes it’s all too soon. 

But she welcomes it 

With a crocodile smile. 

 

As we say our good byes

There are no grand gestures

Only see you laters and laughs. 

Grazing my arm, he bids me farewell,

Welcoming the warm hug that follows. 

 

As he is walking away slowly

Making his way 

Through the crowd

Back to her fury.

 

As he nears her, 

His movements slow further.

All the while

His focus shifts

Between her scowl and my smile. 

 

As one arm scolds her envy

While the other waves back to me. 

His unhappiness with her thickens

And grows heavier

With every intense step 

Of his feet.

 

As the focus 

Shifts. 

I collect myself 

Stepping back with a lean, 

Watching her movements

As she watches him continuing to watch me. 

 

 

 *photo credit: Tyler Shields 

Yellow

Do you see things differently than others? We all do. In Buddhism, kindness is put before all else. Kindness is amazing to share with others.

Someone told me a while back that once you decide to dislike someone everything they do upsets you and makes you responds negatively to them. Yes, it's a choice to dislike someone. And in my experience people are deliberately cruel thinking it will hurt that person... Reality is that person is oblivious to it. The only person you waste energy hurting is yourself. Perhaps if everyone realized that someone out there dislikes them too they'd try to be kinder. 

Who knows? Here's a 300 from my Hair series about seeing things anew.

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Yellow

“Yellow, it’s yellow.” He says pulling at my hair like it’s strings and smirking. 

 

“It’s not.” I tell him with a jab to his side. Dropping my hand, I step backwards away from him. I can feel my defenses go up without warning. I want to be mad at his game today but I can’t. I know he’d barely gotten used to my brownish red and I changed again.

 

“Oh but it is. Looks like bumblebees and school buses collided on your head.” 

 

“It’s blonde. It’s like lemons and sunbeams.” I smile and wonder what he’s thinking about as I antagonize him. I usually let him win but not today. I don’t want to play but there’s no way I’m letting it go. 

 

Last week when we brought in the new window I let go of the cord on the curtains. The action felt completely foreign. It was a moment that I wanted to hold tighter and keep it into place. My instincts were to preserve the image of what we had built all this time together but knowing in the back of my mind it needed to change. Down they went into a puddle of fabric on the floor soaking up the tiny rays of sunshine. 

 

“I like sunshine.” He says and runs his hands through my hair before leaning in to smell it. “There’s hints of Vanilla but not lemons.” He pauses to look me in the eye for a moment that feels like forever. 

 

Just one look felt like forever when we first met. I could get lost in his eyes in front of the windows. Adding the curtains to the space seemed logical while removing them brought in so much light that I can see the hints of yellow in his eyes. 

 

“Yellow, they’re yellow” I tell him.

Cloud 9

"How are you smiling & laughing, Monica? How can you be on cloud 9, full of energy & joy, didn't you hurt yourself? Two broken ribs is no laughing matter."

Someone told me this a month ago and I didn't know how to take it. So I kept smiling & thanked her for being concerned.

You see, I did hurt myself a few weeks back, very badly, still more than I care to admit. I honestly crossed "broke a bone" off my bucket list and compared war wound stories with a few of my friends. I won't glorify it because in reality it hurt like nothing else, I couldn't breathe most of the time, I couldn't eat a lot, it took me forever to walk anywhere, I couldn't sit up or drive for very long, I had to cancel plans, push back things & disappoint myself & a couple other people because of the injury. However the silver lining is that the process of healing while challenging did teach me a lot about self care, enjoying life & the simple joys again. I'm so happy to have found gratitude in it & be able to smile/laugh when it was frustrating because I was lucky the injury allowed some mobility.

In Buddhism we learn its up to us to decide how to deal with our reactions to situations, people & things we find unpleasant. You see those things are our greatest teachers. They show us when & how we react and how to release those emotions. Yeah we make mistakes and learn from them. I don't think my injuries, illnesses, or healing experiences are mistakes. I've learned so much from things not going to plan. So while some people can't see the point in smiling or laughing... I can because it's a choice. 

Here's a new 300 from the hair series about seeing things your own way.

Enjoy! 

Kisses, m.

Improvement 

"It's not an improvement." he says as I look him in the eye from my reflection in the mirror.

"Compared to what?" I look away from him and up out of his gaze.

In the corner of the ceiling there's a small crack he was supposed to repair but he didn't see it. Now it's weepy with moisture from the rain. The rain that's continued since last Friday when I managed to twist my ankle walking to my car. Slipping in the rain because I couldn't see the puddle. 

"I don't know. I just didn't know what to say. I want to see it your way but I can't." He touches my shoulder. I can feel the smile on his face. He's playing and I know it's our game. 

Facing him after a change of color is always fun. Whether he loves or hates my hair he will try to be disagreeable. This time I'm more red than brown and he's not sold on it. Not the way he was the first time I was blonde, brown or red. Nonetheless he's trying to keep it fun.

"I love that you want to try." I reach up and touch his hand. 

"Besides your hair will grow out." He kisses my hand with a laugh.

"How can I trust what you see? You missed the crack and the roof is leaking." I jest and spin around to face him. 

"Your eyes can't be trusted for you to safely walk in the rain." He grabs my waist with both arms and pulls me close. 

"That's why I keep you around..."

"To maintain the ceiling or look over your shoulder?"

"Both and to see things differently when I can't. And besides it'll grow out..."

"That'll be an improvement."

"You love it..."

"I really do."

Easy

People often ask me about Buddhism and answers. Last year was like hitting the cross in the road. It was rough and hard to guide others because I had to go through my steps again to find & maintain my gratitude for life. I know that the creator and universe did not intend for me to suffer by erratic thoughts & impulses so I persevered through my journey seeking to find my balance.

My Buddhist experience is that true self love and compassion does compete or make demands for someone to change. It is not lost or mad without validation. There's no jealously, mean spiritedness or any need to belittle others because a person that loves themselves would never harm others nor would they allow anyone to harm to others for amusement. Furthermore there is no retaliation in compassion when you don't get your way. You accept another's journey no matter what, even when they are on a path far different from yours. It isn't personally about you, there are simply things in the universe that can not be any other way.

The truth that I can not teach you and you must learn on your own is that life is quite easy when you let it happen. And you must let it happen. You can only control yourself and that's the easiest thing in the world... And yes sometimes you don't need to be in control. ;)

Here's a 300 about Control from my series about hair.

Do you try to control others choices? How?

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Third Reason 

“Third Reason.”

When he says it I thought there were only two. But he continues to drop the words onto the floor by the desk. The wooden one I so carefully refinished last week when he was too busy to come home on time; the time between the appointments I canceled to make time for him. The damage is done because I don’t trust him to keep his word when all he does is spill them over something that he has no right to contradict me over. 

“Fourth Reason,” he says trying to capture my eyes which have too long been focused on the desk. 

The desk he helped me pick out that windy Tuesday when the rain was absolutely breath-taking last month. A month before that, he loved the way I looked and there were no reasons to doubt my choices. Even when they disagreed with his, there were no reasons. Reasons cut through my mind trying to disassemble my logic. Sharp with the potential to harm, much like the scissors resting on the edge of the desk. The edge closest to the corner where my right hand rests. I imagine the grip of the handle nestled cooly between my fingers. 

I was left handed as a child and my mother switched my grip. At times I fumble with my right hand correcting for the dominance of the left. But not today.

It’s a brave new world before us. Before he can get out the fifth reason. I slide my left hand over to my right toward the scissors. With a determined grip I reach up and cut off a piece of my hair. His words come to a halt.  

One inch. Two inches. Three inches. Then Four. 

There are no more reasons why I shouldn’t cut my hair. 

Character

What kind of person are you? Do you deliberately mistreat people or try to manipulate them into doing what you want? Well I don't. My personal policy with people is not to make others do things they do not wish to. Your character defines who you are and how you'll be perceived in this life. Being bad mannered or deliberately cruel when you don't get your way reflects upon you not others. I don't treat others badly when they treat me badly. I simply remain compassionate by giving them space when their behavior is disappointing & enjoy my life. I understand that they want something but passive aggressive behavior will not get it. Being up front with others may get you what you desire. 

Why don't I retaliate? Some people thrive on a reaction while others are simply fighting with themselves. Anyhow it won’t really help matters to hurt others back.

Ok, today I’ll give you a Buddhist answer… In Buddhism, when seeking truths and wisdom you come to realize that you cannot change a person’s character & you can only accept and appreciate them the way they are. A person’s behavior can modified a bit for a short time but not forced or manipulated to permanently change. You will find yourself angry, frustrated and quite let down if you continue to try to change others. They must desire to change on their own for they are autonomous and free to do as they wish. Even if it means deliberately trying to hurt you. The choice you have… putting yourself in a position to get hurt or not. 

In essence you don’t place your happiness in things you can’t control. You can’t control people but you can control yourself. Once you understand this you will be happier and life will change. 

There’s a parable that demonstrates the true nature of character. I can tell it two ways but I'll share the Buddhist version.

There were two monks walking through the forest after a rainstorm. As they passed a small puddle they saw a scorpion drowning in the water. One of the monks bent down and reached out to help the scorpion. As soon as he tried to assist the frantic creature, it stung his fingers and he dropped the Scorpion back into the puddle. The monk tried again to reach out to the struggling creature and once again dropped the scorpion when he was stung. The other monk was confused by his actions but looked on quietly. Finally after numerous efforts, the other monk inquired, “Why do you keep trying to help that creature? It stings you every time you go near it.” The monk smiled and reached down once more. “It is his nature to sting, it is my nature to help. Soon the pain of his sting will stop hurting me and he will be saved, or he will stop being afraid and be saved. You cannot stop compassion so easily.” This time as the Scorpion stung the Monk once again he took a leaf from the ground and helped the Scorpion out to safety. 

People treat others how they wish to be treated. Some people are accustomed to giving & receiving hurt back. You don’t stop being yourself because of others unkindness. You continue to treat others kindly, if that is who you are. Being cruel to someone who is cruel to you will do no good. If your heart is angry and resentful looking for the moment to make someone pay for what they've done to you; then you are never going to be happy. They are accustomed to being mistreated and expect you to respond unkindly.

It may be hard when people lash out and act badly but realize it is about them, not you. The simple answer for appreciating friends, family and strangers is this: Love them just as they are without expectations. Try receiving others without regret, judgment or expectations. 

When somebody needs my help, I try to use my wisdom, love and compassion and find a way to help them. Similar to the monk I rely upon knowing myself and my limitations when entering situations with others, but understand that only they can decide to change.

Here’s a new story from the hair series I’ve been on and off working on. It was a little something inspired by a lot of change this year. And yes D Vol 2 is done along with a few other things. I don't know if I'll release the stories on the blog or just in the Amazon store. But I am thinking of releasing a bit of darkness on the blog for the month of Halloween... Anyhoo, I'm excited for all the books to come out? Are you? 

Do you try to manipulate & control others or do you control yourself? 

Enjoy! 

Kisses, m. 

Change

“You changed.” He says when I walk through the door. I wanted to surprise him when I returned.

I miss his smile but he's not smiling when he says the words. I can't read if it's disappointment or hurt that I didn't tell him I would come.

“Yes, do you like?” I pause cautiously.

“It's darker. Your hair. And longer. You're thinner. Are you...?”

“Fine. I'm fine. I needed to be healthy and my hair did too.”

Stepping closer he touches my face and turns my head. His touch feels distant and foreign when he caresses my neck and runs his fingers through the length of my hair. 

“How are you?” I interrupt him before he can lean in to kiss me. 

“Wondering why you didn't tell me. Where've you been for the last week? It's bad enough I can't see you cause you're miles away but to avoid my calls. And then show up like this? Like a stranger.”

Tightly gripping my hair he realizes his anger and let’s go. Grabbing his waist I pull before he can walk away. 

“I wanted to surprise you. I missed you and wrapped things up quickly. It took all week. 

“You scared me.”

“I didn't mean to.”

“When did you change?”

“The weight has been gradual but the hair is new. It's a little messy but...”

”It's perfect... Don't change a thing.” He says pulling me closer.

"Nothing?" I look into his eyes for reassurance.

"No." He says running his fingers across the small of my back and kissing the top of my head. 

"Really? I can think of something I would change right now?"

"What's that?" He leans back, smiling with that grin I've been missing for too long.

"Kiss me and never let me go again."

"We can do that."