Thursday, October 6, 2016




Trying to control feelings is like stopping up water. You know like in a dam. Some feelings are fun. I like the fun ones. Don’t you? The tortured and twisted ones are not my favorites but I feel them nonetheless. You can’t pretend the negative ones don’t exist, that’s no good. Even the most serene and calm Buddhist Monk or Zen master will have an emotional outburst given the right circumstances. So you can’t deny them. You can control them, so you do. Maybe sometimes you act on them & something fun is out there? And that's ok too if no one gets hurt. Don’t you like fun? One of my favorite Ken’s knows how to have as much fun as I do. And despite what some of the ladies tell him… I still think he looks damn amazing doing it. ;)  


Anyhoo, here’s a new one from my new book Water. It had to be water. Why? It was supposed to be water two years ago, after it was Smoke. The funny thing about water is that Ms. M is always surrounded by it even though I’m a fire element. 


Do you control your feelings? Or live in the past? 



 Kisses, m. 





Fuck your feelings.” He says coyly with a smirk and leans back in the shower. 


“I’d rather you were fucking me.” I fidget with the cheap robe that the Four Seasons provided in the suite. Another time I can’t believe I caved in and I’m with a man I swore I’d never because he’s…


No good,” the almond milk is spoiled. Erica says it with a disdain that tells me she’s convinced I’ll throw it out because of her smell test which is rarely ever in agreement with the date on the package. 


“It’s fine.  Don’t use it.” I tell her and move back to the poetry of writing my paper.


“It’s exasperating when you force yourself to do things you don’t want to.” My sister echoes with her own brand of self punishment as she pours the milk into her coffee. 


Oh I want to,” I scream out loud as I press him up against the shower wall letting the water spill over us. When I know I should be forcing myself to stop I don’t, because it feels good. I don’t feel bad in spite of how we really are with each other. 


“Of course you want to,” he says and pulls me against him. The water splashing against my back feels incredible as his lips find their way across my skin. Our breathing sounds mingle with echoes of water spilling down the drain to fill the silence.


Silently drinking her coffee, Erica slowly pours what remains of the almond milk down the drain. Knowing she wants a response, I ignore her. Loudly she insists “I’m saving you from hurting yourself.” 


“Of course you are.” 


When he knows I’m aching for more he says it, “Saving the best for last. Waiting hurts, doesn’t it?”


“Of course it does.”

Photo credit: Tyler Shields 

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