Living Free

You can make excuses for how to live or you can live.

I choose to live. It's often people disagree with my choice and quite often I remind them that it's not theirs to make. 

I wanted to be angry, last month or the month before that, when an old friend tells me that I'm imprisoned and literally the only way out is to write. It's amusing because I do write, but it's not freedom according to him, because it's everything I don't want to write. Yet I am writing so I must be free. 

We claim to be free but are we? 

I know my friend thinks he is right and I'm not free. 

"So, it's easy... just write a way out." he says. 

This is out. This is freedom. Why doesn't it feel liberating to do as he demands?

Nothing you force yourself to do is freedom. 

Freedom is an illusion. 

Yet everyone loves an illusion. 

It’s an illusion that my friend has in their mind thinking about how or why I am doing or rather not doing. 

It’s not silence or guilt... it is living, just simply living, that has created this impasse between writing what it is necessary as opposed to what I want. It isn’t a prison but I am not free in the way that his illusion needs me to be. 

Use your mind not your reaction and you’ll see there is nothing more than your imagination that you’ve let run wild.

This is something I wrote about pointing fingers...

Do you live your life or focus on how others live theirs? 

Enjoy! 

Kisses, m.

You 

(9-28-2011)

“You” 

He says this word pointing his finger telling me where and when it needs to change without using any other words. 

I like when he uses words. But he’s not using them this time. 

No explanation. No request made. 

This time I’m supposed to know what’s happening with the shift of his wrist. 

One finger pointed at me. Three pointed back at him. 

All three fingers are telling him what he wants to tell me. 
I wish he would simply tell me. Ask me. Treat me like a person who he said he once cared for. 

I don’t like this. This is like walking in the dark where these actions we make aren’t any clearer. 

“Clearer?”

 He says when I tell him I can’t see any clearer than before.

Before all this when I said something to him and no one else. 

No one that mattered when I said those words for only him. They still won’t matter if I tell him again. 

Because he won’t hear my words and everyone who isn’t him can still hear them. 

They’ll listen. They’ll hear all the things he’ll never take in because he’s afraid.

And he'll use my words for him against me because he’s afraid and wants to hurt me.

Hurt and facing those who think my words are without logic.

It isn’t about them. It isn’t clearer. 

“Listen…”

He says softly before lowering his hand.
I listen and wait for his words that have yet to come. 

Knowing full well if there’s a chance, I continue to listen.

I listen and hope that they don’t mistake their words for his and my words for them. 

Words aren’t as powerful as his actions. 

Actions that calmly tell me all I need to know before he says it once more quietly.

“You”  

Hold On

Can’t let go of what you never had... the only thing you have to hold on to in this life is yourself. Love yourself and you will always have love.

In Buddhism... to love isn’t about owning someone or making them yours. Love is accepting that someone will choose to walk alongside you because they share goals and they accept you as you are, flaws included. 

Making your life and living space beautiful is an extension of that love. You can have an exquisite dreamhouse but if you don’t love living in it, why would anyone else? Think of yourself, your vessel as a Dreamhouse and pour all the amazing love, energy, devotion and attention into taking care of it and building it up. When you find you love it, you’ll realize that you won’t allow others to harm it, including yourself. And you’ll want to share it with someone who values & cares for it as much as you do.

Kisses, m.

Honestly

 

Honestly everything is in balance... For all that we are there is all that we are not.

I'm wrong quite often. I may not know what's the right way to do things or proceed all the time. Don't judge me for my guise of confidence because I'm hiding my inexperience & vulnerability. It's how I cope, I'm human and embrace my mistakes and try to make right by others on my journey.

I don't deliberately hurt people. I find that is in bad taste to compete, slander or behave cruelly when I don't get my way. Not getting your way is a good thing sometimes. 

I'm not perfect but I no longer feel the need to get even and then intentionally hurt people because I think they wronged me... That's disrespectful to myself and others. 

I love myself and respect others so I do my best to apologize when I'm wrong and let it go when people are intentionally unkind. Karma will right the wrongs of others. Not me. 

Life is too beautiful and the journey too short to waste on such pettiness.

Love yourself more.

Realize

Do you realize that not everyone loves the hot weather? Some love the cold weather. Others want it somewhere in between. Imagine if everyone liked it one way or the other. It would get crowded. It's a good thing some people have a preference for one or the other. So what's it mean? Whatever you're going through at the moment it isn't permanent. Hot gets cold and cold gets hot. Sometimes you have to realize that everything changes including people. 

For right now... Ms. M is enjoying all the warm weather, minimal sun bathing and has been happily returning to herself. You see I took a break from a lot of things because sometimes life losses & love affairs drain our essence and we lose ourselves...  I stepped back from my buddhist steps because my heart & body had been hurt externally so badly that I closed off and it took a great deal of practice and meditation to open up and clear my energy again. But once I opened my heart & chakras to receive compassion my life was once again transformed. In the last few months I can not even begin to express the things the universe has revealed because I am open to receive them. As I have stressed I am not fully enlightened, and may never be, so I have moments of sitting with my feelings until they pass. However, I persevere because I find that I am full within more and more everyday. I find myself giving more selflessly without expectations knowing that I have plenty of love & compassion within myself and no longer seek it externally. I have enough love and do not make demands of others for it. My favorite part is that now I am able to give my compassion to all I choose to without hesitation again. For all of you, I wish for you happiness, peace of mind, the ability to see beauty in life, reach enlightenment... and most of all I hope you're ready for Summertime because this doll is! 

Here's one from the original 300 series, if you've never read it before... do enjoy! 

Do you like the heat? 

PS: There's nothing inappropriate about nudity or that makes a man or woman a tramp for being nude... it's the thoughts  & hangups you're bringing with you that make it dirty. 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m. 

HOT
(6-14-2010)

HOT. Whooo! The temperature is just boiling, isn’t it? The kind of sizzling that leaves your eyes dry, itching and watering until they’re blood shot red. Uh-hmm. Enough to make your skin crawl. How about you? No Air Conditioning. Me either. But you live upstairs don’t you? Oh you poor dear man. This heat is something fierce. Bet you can’t stand it up there. Even living on the ground is unbearable. Most of the time I want to simply strip down to my birthday suit and walk around the apartment sucking on a piece of ice. My goodness, all that sweat is covering your face and dripping down your neck.  Here, take my hanky to wipe off a little. OH! Don’t worry. You can’t help that it’s hotter than an oven out.  Wow. There goes the power. This happens whenever it gets too warm. Guess we ought to stay outdoors talk a little more. Seems very neighborly and it’s too hot to sleep.  Oh no, by all means go ahead and take off your jacket. Shedding layers of clothing never hurts. You don’t mind if I… Do ya? Ahh! That’s better. Can you believe it? The radio says it’s gonna last like this all weekend. Makes me want to head out for a midnight swim.  You know skinny dipping when the lights go out and no one is watching. A girl has to have fun and the water soothes away the heat.  Ever go for a swim? And let the cool water gently caress your warm bare skin beneath the moonlight. I do almost every time the thermostat jumps like this. You should try it sometime. OH! There you go… drenched again.  What we need is some iced tea. How about I get that and a wet towel for you?

Information ~ Unwanted

It's 11:15am. I'm pretty sure the ex ex ex that keeps calling me is a wasted version of binge-drunk hungry. He keeps leaving voice messages how he's stuck in town this morning needing a ride.

I don't want to know this information.

11:23. I don't know who gave him my number. Don't care. So I don't answer and block his call. I wanted to go to brunch and be alone to mull over the current affairs of things. 

The current affairs of things include an awful situation I'm not involved in but it keeps coming up anyways. Instead of talking to anyone about it, I decide to write about it while sipping an iced tea listening to a couple discuss Donald Trump's hair. 

I don't want to know this information.

Last week: A drive down the wrong street reveals a friend is cheating on his girlfriend.

I don't want to know this information.

This week: His girlfriend keeps accusing me.

It's not me.

I know who it is.

I feel awful.

I don't want to know this information. 

She keeps messaging me that I'm stealing him.

Telling me my life is perfect.

It's not me, my life is not perfect.

In all honesty I'm trying to steal another friends camera to shoot this evening.

I don't want to know this information. 

It's 11:33 and I can't believe the ex ex ex has resorted to emails. And the girlfriend is messaging me again. 

I'm alone, drinking iced tea, writing and I don't want to know this information. 

~m.

Voice

Finding who you are... Or rather finding your voice. It's not an easy path. I don't have the answers. As always I can give you the Buddhist solutions but it's best you find the answers yourself. I'm so sorry that life was even overwhelming for me for such a long time. I'm human. No, I don't feel a desire to share it all. Nor is there a need for me to.

Voices? Again I owe a great deal of finding my authentic voice to a great artist, (actually the experience of not meeting a great artist) for inspiring me to dare to live more authentically in order to be truthful in my artwork.

Who are you if not the mirror of your peers & friends? I don't know. While it's fun to pick up new things from your friends though and be inspired when they recommend something new to you... I'd rather be surrounded by great people and still dare to be myself.

Why?

In writing, I am less myself and its unnerving. So it always ends up as a fight to become myself again. It's harder when people interfere as I'm not myself and quite reactionary during that time. Now in photography & other artwork I find it's easier if you are yourself because it's difficult to tell a truthful story without knowing yourself... Inauthenticity & lying hurts creativity. Stifles it. 

You see lying is only fun when it's harmless or protecting someone from getting hurt. I'd rather chop my own arm or leg off rather than hurt someone and I've told some epic lies to avoid that. So I get why people lie sometimes. But understand... Living a lie is sad and unnecessary. 

My stories were created by my experience & environment so yes it's similar to photography but very different. Photography reflects me. Writing reflects a mere shadow of me. But they both tell stories.

One of my favorite artists is quoted with saying a photograph tells a story that a 1000 words could never convey. It's hard to imagine and I don't share this often but as a photographer I don't feel that I have my found my voice to tell stories the same way. It's a reflex to me, instinctual. Much like sculpting I lose myself to it with ease but I don't feel as though I'm telling a story yet. Someone tells me it's a gift I need to nurture by continuing. Through experiencing life and environments I will find my voice. One day like writing, it will be there but only if I continue.

Like I said I don't have the answers but Buddhism helps me the way prayers help others. I do believe in the power of prayer & recommend spirituality to everyone. And Buddhism doesn't mean I meditate in front of a shrine. I mostly walk and sit. Ah yes, I drink wine or beer on occasion. It helps me relax but much like Christian dogma drinking is not necessary or Buddhist recommended. ;) 

So meditate, pray or relax your mind and it'll come. Life's not easy but it's our challenge. We all chose our path. And the universe has a reason for giving you the choice of path it did. Just keep in mind... The obstacles aren't obstacles in your path. They are the path. 

So finding your voice... You will. At least you have to believe you will. I believe it. And when I don't, I find the universe guides & inspires me to see things differently. You have to listen to it. It's there. 

Until then... Write, draw, paint, photograph, and etc... Just create every idea you have! No matter if it's good or bad. That's not the point. Self doubt will always sabotage creativity. Can't let it. 

Kisses,

-m.

Is

Everything has it’s beauty but not everyone sees it.  – Andy Warhol

Andy Warhol is one of my favorites! He wasn't what you might find as beautiful but he was a man of beauty. Ugly is a word that is a vague cheap insult that should be barred from our language. Perhaps if we followed one person's model by using it less, judging each other less, then the standards set by society would change. I know Andy certainly wouldn't be a household name if he continued to create art by society's standards. Because society might not see the beauty in the ordinary even if it jumped up and out at them. 

It's hard to imagine for some that beauty is everywhere. It's in everything and everyone. It’s more than the surface value. But what do I know. Right? Well you may not believe me but I spent a portion of my life being seen as ugly.  I recently confided to a friend that people used to call me “ugly” and he didn’t believe me. I wish I were lying and it wasn’t true. I’m not sharing because I want sympathy. Do not fucking pity me because I will not pity you. I wouldn’t be who I am without the scars and a very high tolerance when it comes to meanness. 

I suppose I’m sharing because I’ve seen beautiful young women see themselves as defective and start to change themselves & self destruct to conform to what they think others expect them to be. I’ve been there. I pierced/prodded myself, over-ate and starved myself, cut myself, drugs to race and chase me into perfection, bleached out my long hair until it was the texture of broken straw and then chopped off all my newly healed hair into an audrey pixie cut over a gnarly breakup. Nowadays I don’t alter my appearance over men or my emotional state. I change my hair and body to please me. It’s way more fun!

Possibly another reason I am sharing is because some women perceive me as a threat. This is still relatively new to me and it’s frustrating because I don't understand the need to feel threatened. But I'm glad to be in a position to try to understand it. Let me explain… People will be cruel no matter what you look like. Last year some girl actually insulted me by saying I was pretty and I wasn’t sure how to take it. A friend told me: you think you get by under the radar and she thinks you are her competition. This rationale confuses me because when I see a beautiful woman, like Angelina Jolie or a Victoria Secret model, I admire them. I aspire to be as beautiful inside and outside as they are. So I will say it’s still very interesting to me that people perceive how I am and my abilities on whether I am pretty or ugly, overweight or skinny. I don’t think about appearances or judge myself or others. It’s simply easier not to and keep going. 

Honestly, if you asked me I say I was a better conversationalist than a beauty or sex symbol often relying on my wit and words to entice people to see my way. I highly recommend learning the art of conversation. It is really a lost art with the invention of wi-fi devices and highly underrated. It's funny to believe, but I have gotten a lot of my jobs & favors from talking my way into them, not from using my feminine wiles. 

Here’s the thing, like many of you… I don't know why I behave how I do most of the time. Probably like you... I’m playing it cool because I’m trying to be more comfortable with a situation, sometimes it’s compliments – I’m getting better at being graceful when accepting them, other times I’m trying to understand why anyone would envy me &/or I’m diffusing a situation where I or someone else is intimidated.

Yep I’m can get just as intimidated by all of you. I'm very human and it took years to get comfortable with looks, stares and compliments from people as appreciation rather than an insult. When I see a guy or girl friend graciously accept a compliment about their beauty I wish I were as composed. I'm adjusting to staring & complements thanks to my tattoos which I usually diffuse by referring to their creators. But staring used to mean I was about to have an insult hurled in my direction when I was growing up. Or there was food between my teeth? Can you relate? Exactly. Fucking sucks right? 

One of my psych classes years ago labeled it Ugly Duck Syndrome. But I don’t think anyone is an ugly duck and unless we all get to be swans no one gets to be. Why? I think even people we perceive as beautiful get to feeling ugly sometimes. Yeah, I do admit to having a temper but I try to relate and understand women because we are taught to view each other as competition for men and vanity instead of careers or goals. I believe this is why it took a man to teach me how to be a true competitor with work, to spar equally and seek to be a better opponent. An insecure woman would have just competed with looks instead of work and disparaged my self esteem. **Don’t get me wrong two strong women mentored me in Interior Design and Business Management. I wouldn’t be fabulous without them.

My advice if you’re young or old, feeling super awkward, being insulted and don’t understand why people are cruel… well it isn’t forever. There are no quick fix fads to change growing as a person or maturing. Just be yourself. Find the right people who champion and support you. Realize that you are beautiful and that beauty will expand. You will feel more comfortable about yourself. Feelings of insecurity don’t change unless you let them. Your appearance will improve if you take an interest in caring for yourself but you have to work on your self-esteem. Someday the chances are that the good looking girl or guy talking to you… wants to talk to you, hear all about your interests and sees your inner/outer beauty. Give them a break and trust that you deserve them.

If you are young or old, pretty and feeling super uncomfortable about how bad some people treat you… realize it's not about you. You are beautiful and people are unhappy with their appearances sometimes. Just be yourself! Try to always be kind no matter what, develop a thicker skin, learn to channel your emotions and develop a voice and interests that don’t rely upon your appearance. Find supportive friends who can relate. Someday that wonderful attractive woman or man will value your intellect, interests and all that is internally/externally beautiful about you.

All girls should know that they are special exactly the way they are. Be whomever you need to be. Resilience is learned. And toughness doesn't make anyone less of a lady. Girls should be allowed to be both feminine and tough if they choose; Play in the dirt and dress up like a princess if their heart desires it. It’s not necessary to compete for looks or love with other women. It’s alright to be competitive for a job or with your goals. My competition is myself. I will always strive to outdo & improve upon myself. 

Are you a kind person? What do you compete for? Who is your competition?

Enjoy living, loving and breathing, 

Kisses, m. 

Even

“Getting Even With Words And Actions Or How I Became A Buddhist” might be a funny book title if it wasn’t true. I have a scathing temper, I can be emotional on occasion with hint of confrontational and I will fuck with you if you start with me. It’s who I am. I do like to win. But I don’t always. I will say I don’t want to fight but realize, I am waiting for the other person to throw the first metaphorical punch so I can get even or have some fun. And sometimes I just walk away. Actually most of the time nowadays... I walk away. No one is worth it. If you think I am writing this advocating my past actions or challenging you to pick fights... you missed the point. 

It’s amazing… but I wouldn’t be who I am without one of the best people in the world for sparring with. He’s not what you’d call my friend but by far the best chess/poker player of life that I’ve never met.  You’re wondering if someone taught me to be a sociopath? Not exactly. But I wasn’t always this way and I’m not 100% confident. Hint: I just don’t think about it. 

Fight Club teaches you to fight, mental sparring teaches you to be sharp, rely on your intellect and wits while striving to get the upper hand with someone. You are never in control except for yourself. Your reaction to your adversary is everything. He will not stop until you stop. Your weakness is your enemy. I used to cry a lot thinking how mean my friend was. Then I realized I started it, I could quit playing any time I wanted and give up. But I didn’t.

I used to wonder why he did this. What lesson could I have learned? Well I have a higher regard for myself this includes a thicker skin, I don’t cry over the mean shit people do, I trust myself, and I always try new things without backing down. Ultimately I knew if I wanted to be successful, his cruelty would be nothing in comparison to the critics and fans out there. And he was right in being cruel to me. I could tell you the mean things we’d do against each other but you would say that’s fucked. Yes, but it produced a lot of work. It made me a stronger writer, a curious photographer and pushes me to know I’ll never be better unless I push myself by investing, believing and trusting in my own abilities. 

When I first started writing and posting my work it was the most horrifying thing I’d ever done. People used to attack me personally, copy, duplicate and change their life around my words. I disabled the comments and likes on all my posts a long time back. Which is why randomly someone will leave a comment and I will approve or delete them. Beware of people that are only kind though. Your true friends will always criticize what they see and inquire if it can be more. It keeps you sharp to see it through someone’s eyes beside your own. It’s not an attack and should never be seen as one. Too much undeserved kindness can create a sense of laziness. I’d rather take the truth to heart than the lie. 

Being a writer is like cutting open a vein and bleeding out. I won’t say being an artist is the same. Personally I don’t feel the same about dresses, interior drawings or sculptures. Even photography is different. I can’t even compare it to anything before. But in writing you are taking from yourself to produce something else that isn’t you but it’s a part of you. Writing makes me nuts and I hate not feeling like myself. So I wonder why others want to be the words. It’s a little off putting. I used to drown in the emotions of it. Even with sparring, nothing could prepare me for how people would take things or read things. Until I stopped about three years ago… I wrote 8 scripts and I burned them all. That was beyond any level of self destruction I could have done so I walked away and spent a year getting even with people… Year of the Dragon. 

Getting even with people is a lot like Fight Club. Nothing can prepare you for the sheer liberation of returning someone’s unkindness in the same manner they did to you. It’s wrong, awful and people will think you are an asshole. I can’t say more. I’d recommend it, that’s why. Sparring didn’t make sense without application. What’s the point of Kung Fu without a fight?  Exactly. 

I lost about three friends who I really thought were my close friends. They couldn’t handle the mirror of their own behavior so it shattered our friendship. I miss them but I don’t feel bad for standing up for myself. I spent about three months after the last one left looking for answers. I fought consuming battles twice more with people before my favorite orchid died. When the orchid died came the nightmares, vegetarianism and soon after a renewed interest in Buddhism.  It’s funny that the life of one organism can change you but it can. And sometimes it’s a person or a situation that needs us to rise to it. Everyone has a different path but the basic thing is that we are all lessons & teachers to each other. All life has a valuable lesson. You get it or you don’t. But you will repeat it. 

So what did you learn today? Do you like me sharing my life more? I miss the dreamhouses and will share more about changing that later as well. Times they are a changin!

Enjoy living, loving and breathing!

Kisses, m. 

Glitter

Lovely image. One of my favorites. What's it say to you? Well Tyler Shields says glitter is something you can't rid of once it's there... So I think that statement says a lot. Yeah Mr. Shields captures brilliant images. And I can't say I wouldn't be a photographer still without being able to witness his dedication to the craft. It's inspiring to see the evolution. 

I almost met him once at the first LA gallery. 10 feet away wanting my poster signed like I was 18 instead of 30. But he left abruptly. Being awkward, socially weird, I cried and left. I was told to return as it was only a bathroom break. I cried and drove home from LA anyway. 

Because I really wanted my poster signed it is one of the last times I have regretted anything in my life. I doubt the artist would ever be afraid to ask for anything as he did not ask when it came to getting his career. From then on I swore to find a way to live as authentically as I could... Being true to myself and not worrying about anyone else's perception!

“If someone says something unkind about you, live so no one will believe it.” – Dalai Lama

The Dalai Lama is also another person that makes me want to live more authentically. I look to his writings and words for the questions, answers and guidance when there are none for me to seek out. I delight in the joy of the world and others in it. The simple things. 

Please be well and be kind to each other. Love yourselves. The more you love yourself the less likely you will be to lash out and harm others. Try to be the most authentic kind of person you can be so you don't regret anything someday.

Enjoy life, love & breathing!

Kisses, m.