Wednesday, April 22, 2015


Everything has it’s beauty but not everyone sees it.  – Andy Warhol

Andy Warhol is one of my favorites! He wasn't what you might find as beautiful but he was a man of beauty. Ugly is a word that is a vague cheap insult that should be barred from our language. Perhaps if we followed one person's model by using it less, judging each other less, then the standards set by society would change. I know Andy certainly wouldn't be a household name if he continued to create art by society's standards. Because society might not see the beauty in the ordinary even if it jumped up and out at them. 

It's hard to imagine for some that beauty is everywhere. It's in everything and everyone. It’s more than the surface value. But what do I know. Right? Well you may not believe me but I spent a portion of my life being seen as ugly.  I recently confided to a friend that people used to call me “ugly” and he didn’t believe me. I wish I were lying and it wasn’t true. I’m not sharing because I want sympathy. Do not fucking pity me because I will not pity you. I wouldn’t be who I am without the scars and a very high tolerance when it comes to meanness. 

I suppose I’m sharing because I’ve seen beautiful young women see themselves as defective and start to change themselves & self destruct to conform to what they think others expect them to be. I’ve been there. I pierced/prodded myself, over-ate and starved myself, cut myself, drugs to race and chase me into perfection, bleached out my long hair until it was the texture of broken straw and then chopped off all my newly healed hair into an audrey pixie cut over a gnarly breakup. Nowadays I don’t alter my appearance over men or my emotional state. I change my hair and body to please me. It’s way more fun!

Possibly another reason I am sharing is because some women perceive me as a threat. This is still relatively new to me and it’s frustrating because I don't understand the need to feel threatened. But I'm glad to be in a position to try to understand it. Let me explain… People will be cruel no matter what you look like. Last year some girl actually insulted me by saying I was pretty and I wasn’t sure how to take it. A friend told me: you think you get by under the radar and she thinks you are her competition. This rationale confuses me because when I see a beautiful woman, like Angelina Jolie or a Victoria Secret model, I admire them. I aspire to be as beautiful inside and outside as they are. So I will say it’s still very interesting to me that people perceive how I am and my abilities on whether I am pretty or ugly, overweight or skinny. I don’t think about appearances or judge myself or others. It’s simply easier not to and keep going. 

Honestly, if you asked me I say I was a better conversationalist than a beauty or sex symbol often relying on my wit and words to entice people to see my way. I highly recommend learning the art of conversation. It is really a lost art with the invention of wi-fi devices and highly underrated. It's funny to believe, but I have gotten a lot of my jobs & favors from talking my way into them, not from using my feminine wiles. 

Here’s the thing, like many of you… I don't know why I behave how I do most of the time. Probably like you... I’m playing it cool because I’m trying to be more comfortable with a situation, sometimes it’s compliments – I’m getting better at being graceful when accepting them, other times I’m trying to understand why anyone would envy me &/or I’m diffusing a situation where I or someone else is intimidated.

Yep I’m can get just as intimidated by all of you. I'm very human and it took years to get comfortable with looks, stares and compliments from people as appreciation rather than an insult. When I see a guy or girl friend graciously accept a compliment about their beauty I wish I were as composed. I'm adjusting to staring & complements thanks to my tattoos which I usually diffuse by referring to their creators. But staring used to mean I was about to have an insult hurled in my direction when I was growing up. Or there was food between my teeth? Can you relate? Exactly. Fucking sucks right? 

One of my psych classes years ago labeled it Ugly Duck Syndrome. But I don’t think anyone is an ugly duck and unless we all get to be swans no one gets to be. Why? I think even people we perceive as beautiful get to feeling ugly sometimes. Yeah, I do admit to having a temper but I try to relate and understand women because we are taught to view each other as competition for men and vanity instead of careers or goals. I believe this is why it took a man to teach me how to be a true competitor with work, to spar equally and seek to be a better opponent. An insecure woman would have just competed with looks instead of work and disparaged my self esteem. **Don’t get me wrong two strong women mentored me in Interior Design and Business Management. I wouldn’t be fabulous without them.

My advice if you’re young or old, feeling super awkward, being insulted and don’t understand why people are cruel… well it isn’t forever. There are no quick fix fads to change growing as a person or maturing. Just be yourself. Find the right people who champion and support you. Realize that you are beautiful and that beauty will expand. You will feel more comfortable about yourself. Feelings of insecurity don’t change unless you let them. Your appearance will improve if you take an interest in caring for yourself but you have to work on your self-esteem. Someday the chances are that the good looking girl or guy talking to you… wants to talk to you, hear all about your interests and sees your inner/outer beauty. Give them a break and trust that you deserve them.

If you are young or old, pretty and feeling super uncomfortable about how bad some people treat you… realize it's not about you. You are beautiful and people are unhappy with their appearances sometimes. Just be yourself! Try to always be kind no matter what, develop a thicker skin, learn to channel your emotions and develop a voice and interests that don’t rely upon your appearance. Find supportive friends who can relate. Someday that wonderful attractive woman or man will value your intellect, interests and all that is internally/externally beautiful about you.

All girls should know that they are special exactly the way they are. Be whomever you need to be. Resilience is learned. And toughness doesn't make anyone less of a lady. Girls should be allowed to be both feminine and tough if they choose; Play in the dirt and dress up like a princess if their heart desires it. It’s not necessary to compete for looks or love with other women. It’s alright to be competitive for a job or with your goals. My competition is myself. I will always strive to outdo & improve upon myself. 

Are you a kind person? What do you compete for? Who is your competition?

Enjoy living, loving and breathing, 
Kisses, m. 

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