Stay True

In a world that wants constantly to change you... be true to yourself. There will always be small men with their little ideas and big words to try to hold you down or dictate what you do... stay true to yourself.  There are no reasons for anyone to want to change you unless you’re harming yourself. And if that’s the case, it’s still truly up to you to decide when to change no matter their concern.

Do you let others have an opinion on your life? Why or why not?

Here’s an old one... from Immersed. 

Enjoy,

Kisses, m.

Third Reason 

(2-17-16)

“Third Reason.”

When he says it I thought there were only two. But he continues to drop the words onto the floor by the desk. The wooden one I so carefully refinished last week when he was too busy to come home on time; the time between the appointments I canceled to make time for him. The damage is done because I don’t trust him to keep his word when all he does is spill them over something that he has no right to contradict me over. 

“Fourth Reason,” he says trying to capture my eyes which have too long been focused on the desk. 

The desk he helped me pick out that windy Tuesday when the rain was absolutely breath-taking last month. A month before that, he loved the way I looked and there were no reasons to doubt my choices. Even when they disagreed with his, there were no reasons. Reasons cut through my mind trying to disassemble my logic. Sharp with the potential to harm, much like the scissors resting on the edge of the desk. The edge closest to the corner where my right hand rests. I imagine the grip of the handle nestled cooly between my fingers. 

I was left handed as a child and my mother switched my grip. At times I fumble with my right hand correcting for the dominance of the left. But not today.

It’s a brave new world before us. Before he can get out the fifth reason. I slide my left hand over to my right toward the scissors. With a determined grip I reach up and cut off a piece of my hair. His words come to a halt.  

One inch. Two inches. Three inches. Then Four. 

There are no more reasons why I shouldn’t cut my hair. 

Faith

"We have no reason to mistrust our world [mind], for it is not against us. Has it terrors, they are our terrors; has it abysses, these abysses belong to us; if there are dangers at hand, we must try to love them. . . . we must hold to the difficult, then that which now still seems to us the most alien will become what we most trust and find most faithful. . . . Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us" - Rainer Maria Rilke

There’s seldom room for fear or doubt in my life... I’m very blessed & grateful for all that I have and feel for anyone that struggles with paralyzing fears and doubt. Especially when someone tries to force them into action.  Forcing anyone is often counterproductive. Having a little faith and letting your love guide your hand goes much further in helping others. Just because you know what's best doesn't mean it's the best way.

Buddhism sees doubt as a hindrance of the mind. It’s the loss of faith and self-love that fuels fear and doubt. Often people self-medicate instead of dealing with their bullshit. Makes them push people away because they're afraid of what the future holds. It leaves them feeling they’ve failed those who care after they push them away. Self doubt often paralyzes one with fear of failure which erodes away at their self-confidence. No, the meditation stuff doesn't always work and can be more damaging when it doesn't. Once doubt has a hold of the mind, it's very hard to break it's grip. But, much like smoke, it's not there. To shake it's grip you have to realize that you must face some truths about how things really are and not how you believe they are. 

When I am sick and not feeling well, I let my body rest and seek to heal the physical symptoms. Much like a physical illness, doubt plagues the mind. It's important to realize that these fear and doubts about the future won't go away on their own but also to know that anyone dealing with them can still enjoy the wonders of life by remaining present. There is no reason to mistrust your mind, it's not against you. The doubt is, in a sense, the mind's way of trying to protect something from happening out of fear. 

Do your fears and doubt paralyze you? Don't doubt or fear the unknown. And don't let anyone make you question your confidence. You know what you're afraid of and how to overcome. Have faith, and if you can't, I have a little to spare for anyone that needs it. 

Here's one from Smoke that I never posted... you can find the book on Amazon. 

Slow

(10-3-2014)

Slowly I part her lips with mine.

Quietly she breathes into my mouth.
I’m overwhelmed with emotion.

Holding it back.
Keeping my inner feelings

Under control as she reaches up and around my neck.

Slow and easy

She steps in and out of sync with me.

Carefully we tease each other with an almost kiss.

Surrounded by smoke in the back room of this bar

We playfully miss each other.

Simply looking at the fine patrons of this establishment

Reminds me that it’s not a place we should be.

No where I should’ve brought her.

But we’re here.

Waiting for a patient.

A woman who won’t tell me her given name,

But she’ll tell me to call her Babe.

A babe in a bit of trouble;

Something I don’t want for my Ava.

In these dark hours of night.

We continue to grope and insist while waiting in the back.

I don’t think that this woman is showing when my girl

Plays with my hair.

The short hair beneath my neck.

Curling it between her fingers.

I hear a shotgun in the alley.

It snaps me present.
I grab my gal by the waist.

My heart quickens.

Attentive and steady she works my neckline over.

I’m afraid what could come.

Asking if she’s fine

Gets me a sigh and a kiss on my chin.

Smiling she looks into my eyes and I know.

Knowing that there’s nothing like smile comforts me again.

She feels safe and trusts me.

I’m leaning in for a kiss and she pulls away with a laugh.

The bar empties out and it feels like we are alone.

Alone with her almost kiss.

The potential of our union intermixes with the smoke in the room.

Calm and hungry;

She makes a move at me very…

Slow

Everything

Everyone and everything affects each other... don’t listen to people who solely blame you or solely blame others in this life. Who you are and what you do affects where you lead but those you interact with and their actions or lack of actions affect your path as well. Love yourself enough to focus on you instead of where others paths are leading when it’s not alongside yours. Love is about flexibility and fun... compromise isn’t the same as sacrificing who you are to be in a relationship. Trust that other people know what’s best for themselves & focus on you.

Here’s one about nothing really... from Immersed 

Do you tell everyone everything and expect them to do as you wish? Try letting people lead themselves a little more. They’re quite capable. ;)

Enjoy! 

Kisses, m.

Feelings

(10-6-16)

 

“Fuck your feelings.” He says coyly with a smirk and leans back in the shower. 

 

“I’d rather you were fucking me.” I fidget with the cheap robe that the Four Seasons provided in the suite. Another time I can’t believe I caved in and I’m with a man I swore I’d never because he’s…

 

“No good,” the almond milk is spoiled. Erica says it with a disdain that tells me she’s convinced I’ll throw it out because of her smell test which is rarely ever in agreement with the date on the package. 

 

“It’s fine.  Don’t use it.” I tell her and move back to the poetry of writing my paper.

 

“It’s exasperating when you force yourself to do things you don’t want to.” My sister echoes with her own brand of self punishment as she pours the milk into her coffee. 

 

“Oh I want to,” I scream out loud as I press him up against the shower wall letting the water spill over us. When I know I should be forcing myself to stop I don’t, because it feels good. I don’t feel bad in spite of how we really are with each other. 

 

“Of course you want to,” he says and pulls me against him. The water splashing against my back feels incredible as his lips find their way across my skin. Our breathing sounds mingle with echoes of water spilling down the drain to fill the silence.

 

Silently drinking her coffee, Erica slowly pours what remains of the almond milk down the drain. Knowing she wants a response, I ignore her. Loudly she insists “I’m saving you from hurting yourself.” 

 

“Of course you are.” 

 

When he knows I’m aching for more he says it, “Saving the best for last. Waiting hurts, doesn’t it?”

 

“Of course it does.”

Dream Roomspiration: Hanging Plants

Barbie loves plants and there’s nothing quite like a bit of green to brighten up an interior. A great way to integrate plants in your dream home is to hang them. So rather than leave anyone hanging on plans or calls... hang a few plants in your home! 

Dream Roomspiration: Hanging Plants

Would you hang plants in your dreamhouse?

Barbie would!

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Month

A lot can happen in a month... a habit can be formed or broken in a month. Something I’ve learned over the years is that people ultimately stay who they are always. People don’t change who they are.  Not unless they want to or something scary-fucked up happens to them & forces them into it. Social media isn’t an excuse of any kind for anything including judging others. Sometimes it’s the most immature person calling everyone else little children on social media, who doesn’t want to grow up. Pay attention. Hypocrisy isn’t a good color on anyone. 

For moi, I call others by their names instead of labels and respect their boundaries when they want space and patience. My hands are always there to take a hold of when someone needs it. Loving & holding space for others is the easiest thing when you realize its not about you. 

Here’s one from Smoke... May you all find peace, balance and the time for it all including the things you wish to change. Change starts within and has nothing to do with others, even on social media, no matter how much you judge them.

Do you blow smoke? 

Enjoy! 

Kisses, m.

Innocence Lost

(8-28-14)

Innocence Lost. 

Or is it just your mind you’ve lost.

No one can take what you don’t use. 

You have the choice to take it back.

When you were only a child

You lost it. 

That thing that makes you want something else.

It’s 8:15 am and you decide to change your name.

You’re dressed up like a train wreck. 

You don’t want a cigarette. 

Claim you don’t even smoke. 

But you check your purse for cash.

In the middle of the road 

Just like another victim

You brought a friend and she’s got you wearing that bad look again.

Take a drag. 

No one can take it for you. 
Just another smoker.

Claims she’s lost. 

Lost without the last him 

Until you remember he’ll take a swing. 

You got the choice to stay

You take a drag instead

And leave 

Your friend is bringing a pack of Indians by

She wants you to wear that bad hair and kiss another man. 

He may as well be a John. 

You don’t love him. 

Don’t even want to. 

Middle of the road with your bad hair and bad lipstick. 

Your innocence is never lost. 

A cough precedes your drag.

Lost in the smoke remembering what he felt like on top of you. 

His new smell, grunts and it’s the only affection you know. 

You don’t have to do it but the weight,
The stranger’s body, makes you feel whole. 

Comforted by the feeling of physical touch. 

It’s a shame the way you hid behind the fake blonde hair

Pretending to be something you are not.

It’s a shame that they never see you.

Because you’re so busy avoiding yourself. 

Innocence remains beneath the layers of disillusion. 

You’re not lost. 

Don’t even want to be. 

Stay…

Check your cash and take a drag.