Stay True

In a world that wants constantly to change you... be true to yourself. There will always be small men with their little ideas and big words to try to hold you down or dictate what you do... stay true to yourself.  There are no reasons for anyone to want to change you unless you’re harming yourself. And if that’s the case, it’s still truly up to you to decide when to change no matter their concern.

Do you let others have an opinion on your life? Why or why not?

Here’s an old one... from Immersed. 

Enjoy,

Kisses, m.

Third Reason 

(2-17-16)

“Third Reason.”

When he says it I thought there were only two. But he continues to drop the words onto the floor by the desk. The wooden one I so carefully refinished last week when he was too busy to come home on time; the time between the appointments I canceled to make time for him. The damage is done because I don’t trust him to keep his word when all he does is spill them over something that he has no right to contradict me over. 

“Fourth Reason,” he says trying to capture my eyes which have too long been focused on the desk. 

The desk he helped me pick out that windy Tuesday when the rain was absolutely breath-taking last month. A month before that, he loved the way I looked and there were no reasons to doubt my choices. Even when they disagreed with his, there were no reasons. Reasons cut through my mind trying to disassemble my logic. Sharp with the potential to harm, much like the scissors resting on the edge of the desk. The edge closest to the corner where my right hand rests. I imagine the grip of the handle nestled cooly between my fingers. 

I was left handed as a child and my mother switched my grip. At times I fumble with my right hand correcting for the dominance of the left. But not today.

It’s a brave new world before us. Before he can get out the fifth reason. I slide my left hand over to my right toward the scissors. With a determined grip I reach up and cut off a piece of my hair. His words come to a halt.  

One inch. Two inches. Three inches. Then Four. 

There are no more reasons why I shouldn’t cut my hair. 

Faith

"We have no reason to mistrust our world [mind], for it is not against us. Has it terrors, they are our terrors; has it abysses, these abysses belong to us; if there are dangers at hand, we must try to love them. . . . we must hold to the difficult, then that which now still seems to us the most alien will become what we most trust and find most faithful. . . . Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us" - Rainer Maria Rilke

There’s seldom room for fear or doubt in my life... I’m very blessed & grateful for all that I have and feel for anyone that struggles with paralyzing fears and doubt. Especially when someone tries to force them into action.  Forcing anyone is often counterproductive. Having a little faith and letting your love guide your hand goes much further in helping others. Just because you know what's best doesn't mean it's the best way.

Buddhism sees doubt as a hindrance of the mind. It’s the loss of faith and self-love that fuels fear and doubt. Often people self-medicate instead of dealing with their bullshit. Makes them push people away because they're afraid of what the future holds. It leaves them feeling they’ve failed those who care after they push them away. Self doubt often paralyzes one with fear of failure which erodes away at their self-confidence. No, the meditation stuff doesn't always work and can be more damaging when it doesn't. Once doubt has a hold of the mind, it's very hard to break it's grip. But, much like smoke, it's not there. To shake it's grip you have to realize that you must face some truths about how things really are and not how you believe they are. 

When I am sick and not feeling well, I let my body rest and seek to heal the physical symptoms. Much like a physical illness, doubt plagues the mind. It's important to realize that these fear and doubts about the future won't go away on their own but also to know that anyone dealing with them can still enjoy the wonders of life by remaining present. There is no reason to mistrust your mind, it's not against you. The doubt is, in a sense, the mind's way of trying to protect something from happening out of fear. 

Do your fears and doubt paralyze you? Don't doubt or fear the unknown. And don't let anyone make you question your confidence. You know what you're afraid of and how to overcome. Have faith, and if you can't, I have a little to spare for anyone that needs it. 

Here's one from Smoke that I never posted... you can find the book on Amazon. 

Slow

(10-3-2014)

Slowly I part her lips with mine.

Quietly she breathes into my mouth.
I’m overwhelmed with emotion.

Holding it back.
Keeping my inner feelings

Under control as she reaches up and around my neck.

Slow and easy

She steps in and out of sync with me.

Carefully we tease each other with an almost kiss.

Surrounded by smoke in the back room of this bar

We playfully miss each other.

Simply looking at the fine patrons of this establishment

Reminds me that it’s not a place we should be.

No where I should’ve brought her.

But we’re here.

Waiting for a patient.

A woman who won’t tell me her given name,

But she’ll tell me to call her Babe.

A babe in a bit of trouble;

Something I don’t want for my Ava.

In these dark hours of night.

We continue to grope and insist while waiting in the back.

I don’t think that this woman is showing when my girl

Plays with my hair.

The short hair beneath my neck.

Curling it between her fingers.

I hear a shotgun in the alley.

It snaps me present.
I grab my gal by the waist.

My heart quickens.

Attentive and steady she works my neckline over.

I’m afraid what could come.

Asking if she’s fine

Gets me a sigh and a kiss on my chin.

Smiling she looks into my eyes and I know.

Knowing that there’s nothing like smile comforts me again.

She feels safe and trusts me.

I’m leaning in for a kiss and she pulls away with a laugh.

The bar empties out and it feels like we are alone.

Alone with her almost kiss.

The potential of our union intermixes with the smoke in the room.

Calm and hungry;

She makes a move at me very…

Slow

Everything

Everyone and everything affects each other... don’t listen to people who solely blame you or solely blame others in this life. Who you are and what you do affects where you lead but those you interact with and their actions or lack of actions affect your path as well. Love yourself enough to focus on you instead of where others paths are leading when it’s not alongside yours. Love is about flexibility and fun... compromise isn’t the same as sacrificing who you are to be in a relationship. Trust that other people know what’s best for themselves & focus on you.

Here’s one about nothing really... from Immersed 

Do you tell everyone everything and expect them to do as you wish? Try letting people lead themselves a little more. They’re quite capable. ;)

Enjoy! 

Kisses, m.

Feelings

(10-6-16)

 

“Fuck your feelings.” He says coyly with a smirk and leans back in the shower. 

 

“I’d rather you were fucking me.” I fidget with the cheap robe that the Four Seasons provided in the suite. Another time I can’t believe I caved in and I’m with a man I swore I’d never because he’s…

 

“No good,” the almond milk is spoiled. Erica says it with a disdain that tells me she’s convinced I’ll throw it out because of her smell test which is rarely ever in agreement with the date on the package. 

 

“It’s fine.  Don’t use it.” I tell her and move back to the poetry of writing my paper.

 

“It’s exasperating when you force yourself to do things you don’t want to.” My sister echoes with her own brand of self punishment as she pours the milk into her coffee. 

 

“Oh I want to,” I scream out loud as I press him up against the shower wall letting the water spill over us. When I know I should be forcing myself to stop I don’t, because it feels good. I don’t feel bad in spite of how we really are with each other. 

 

“Of course you want to,” he says and pulls me against him. The water splashing against my back feels incredible as his lips find their way across my skin. Our breathing sounds mingle with echoes of water spilling down the drain to fill the silence.

 

Silently drinking her coffee, Erica slowly pours what remains of the almond milk down the drain. Knowing she wants a response, I ignore her. Loudly she insists “I’m saving you from hurting yourself.” 

 

“Of course you are.” 

 

When he knows I’m aching for more he says it, “Saving the best for last. Waiting hurts, doesn’t it?”

 

“Of course it does.”

Month

A lot can happen in a month... a habit can be formed or broken in a month. Something I’ve learned over the years is that people ultimately stay who they are always. People don’t change who they are.  Not unless they want to or something scary-fucked up happens to them & forces them into it. Social media isn’t an excuse of any kind for anything including judging others. Sometimes it’s the most immature person calling everyone else little children on social media, who doesn’t want to grow up. Pay attention. Hypocrisy isn’t a good color on anyone. 

For moi, I call others by their names instead of labels and respect their boundaries when they want space and patience. My hands are always there to take a hold of when someone needs it. Loving & holding space for others is the easiest thing when you realize its not about you. 

Here’s one from Smoke... May you all find peace, balance and the time for it all including the things you wish to change. Change starts within and has nothing to do with others, even on social media, no matter how much you judge them.

Do you blow smoke? 

Enjoy! 

Kisses, m.

Innocence Lost

(8-28-14)

Innocence Lost. 

Or is it just your mind you’ve lost.

No one can take what you don’t use. 

You have the choice to take it back.

When you were only a child

You lost it. 

That thing that makes you want something else.

It’s 8:15 am and you decide to change your name.

You’re dressed up like a train wreck. 

You don’t want a cigarette. 

Claim you don’t even smoke. 

But you check your purse for cash.

In the middle of the road 

Just like another victim

You brought a friend and she’s got you wearing that bad look again.

Take a drag. 

No one can take it for you. 
Just another smoker.

Claims she’s lost. 

Lost without the last him 

Until you remember he’ll take a swing. 

You got the choice to stay

You take a drag instead

And leave 

Your friend is bringing a pack of Indians by

She wants you to wear that bad hair and kiss another man. 

He may as well be a John. 

You don’t love him. 

Don’t even want to. 

Middle of the road with your bad hair and bad lipstick. 

Your innocence is never lost. 

A cough precedes your drag.

Lost in the smoke remembering what he felt like on top of you. 

His new smell, grunts and it’s the only affection you know. 

You don’t have to do it but the weight,
The stranger’s body, makes you feel whole. 

Comforted by the feeling of physical touch. 

It’s a shame the way you hid behind the fake blonde hair

Pretending to be something you are not.

It’s a shame that they never see you.

Because you’re so busy avoiding yourself. 

Innocence remains beneath the layers of disillusion. 

You’re not lost. 

Don’t even want to be. 

Stay…

Check your cash and take a drag. 

The Truth

A Buddhist, Christian and an Atheist all walk in a room and tell you a lie... which is a better person? 

None. A lie is a lie. No one is superior when there’s no honesty. There’s no better human, artist, etc. when you have to condescend another person to attain that prize.

The truth may hurt but lies do more damage in the end. The only person you can trust not to lie to you is yourself. Letting anyone tell you anything about yourself other than what you know to be true isn’t going to make you feel good about yourself. People will always lie to you if you let them. Mostly they’ll say something negative to knock you off course because they need to feel better about their own insecurity without having to compete with you. You'll never have their validation because they never truly validate themselves. You know what’s best for you. Listen to your intuition & learn to trust yourself.

Here’s an old one about lying... 

Do you lie to yourself? 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Lies.
(7-10-09)

Lies. 

The ones we tell ourselves to keep going. Little white ones. Deep dark malevolent ones. Those things we can’t bear to be true. So often we lie just to cope. Defense mechanism.

I did not kill him.

Just another fabrication to get through the night. These ominous moments filled with a determined silence; and distant din of the city coming to life. Dawn will be here soon.

He’ll start breathing again.

I stole $5 from the piggy bank when I was a kid. My mom caught me trying to hide the broken pieces of the shattered pig under the front porch. I lied and told her I dropped the bank accidentally. Through my crocodile tears I sobbed how I was afraid she’d be mad, so I was going to use the money to replace it. A WHOPPER! But she bought it. So begin my life of deceit.

I did not hit him with the car and back over the body five times.

Small truths we keep to ourselves. The real honest things are what we're most scared to share. It’s the little pieces of genuine humanity that make us most vulnerable we don’t share. But the lies roll off the tongue; spill out the mouth like sweet gems of music being released for the first time.

I did not shoot him with a rifle.

Unprovoked deceit. Cold manipulative and calculated deception. “I was married once”, it’s what I tell them, the men. It’s my line you could say. They all eat it up. I explain that he beat me, raped me, etc. Sympathy for the liar. Smile a little. Put on a fake. Show them your false innocence. Devil in a blue dress. But it gets them each and every time… HOOK, LINE, SINKER.

I did not drive his unconscious body to the middle of nowhere in the dark hours of the morning.

You could say it was a bit like fishing. THE BAIT: Makeup, Tight Dress, Cleavage, Stilettos. And that was just for kicks. The first time it happened I wasn’t even trying… You see, I was lonely that night and being in, was far too unbearable. So I went out for a drink. Came up with a good story, and the rest was something I wasn’t prepared for.

I did not ask him to leave with me.

No one ever tells you that lying can lead to good things do they? See the first time it happened, was a bit of luck for me. A man offered to buy my drink. I was bored, lonely and didn’t see any harm in company so I accepted. We traded our fake stories. He hid his wedding band. Lovely line on his left hand was the give away. See most men don’t realize just how big an imprint that band leaves around your finger. Yes, I could see the line where his ring rested. And of course he was married. That was his lie.

I did not slip drugs into his drink.

Liars are we all. Everyone is a liar. Big ones, little ones. Mom’s to children, bosses to employees, government to the population for control. That’s all it is. Control. Like trained animals that jump through hoops for a false prize promised to them. For us, there is no promised land. Even lying to ourselves in the end. Heaven and Hell.

I did not offer to buy his drink.

He was married, I knew it. I went along for the ride anyhow. After two drinks we stop. He says “let’s get outta here”. I agree. Before he makes it to the car he falls down. Drunk. Lucky me. I ask him what he’s driving and attempt to help him up. He is spinning and incoherent. I take his keys and try to find it using the alarm. It’s a ‘68 Chevy P.U. Cherry red. Nothing more than that I could tell you about it. Not a gear head, but I do appreciate a pretty picture. I managed to drag this idiot over to it. As I’m shoving this drunk into the cab out of his pocket drops a bottle of pills. Date Rape BS. I get upset. He’s passed out. That was supposed to be me. So I shove his body over, fire up the truck and peel out.

I did not smile and sit down next to him at the bar.

Lying to myself always was the easy part of life. It was harder to swallow someone else’s story. That bastard tried to drug me. Idiot! Wasn’t he in for a treat? I drove out to some unmarked dirt road. Threw him out and was about to leave him when… the gears slipped! And just like that, the truck backed over him. THUMP! THUMP! “Oh God”! I instantly throw it in gear and go forward with out thinking. THUMP! THUMP! “Shit”! I get out and assess the damage.

I did not go to the bar last night.

He’s not breathing and his head resembles a smashed cabbage. Brains are falling out. I would panic, but everyone in that bar is a liar and not one of those people could honestly say they really knew who he was. No one would notice or bother to say a thing when the authorities came looking. No one would talk… unless these other cheaters wanted to admit these infidelities to their spouses waiting patiently by the phone at home.

I did not kill anyone.

Simple truths we continue to share with ourselves. The lies – complicated deception – we save for the eager audience that awaits us out in the world.

I am not a liar.

Mystery

There’s nothing mysterious involved in using your mouth to vocalize words that have no hidden meaning. If you have to explain the mystery behind the creation... you’re missing the point of why you created it because people will see what they want to no matter what you tell them to. Rarely do I explain the truths behind my stories for that reason. Matisse, loosely quoted, once said, “I’d rather cut out my tongue than explain my artwork” Maybe I’ve forgotten how dark I can be?  

The most fun I’ve had working creatively... well there’s  no sharing most of the time just the finished product so it’s always fun to keep a secret. 

Do you keep a little mystery behind your art? Or do you ruin the surprise? 

Here’s something old that I won’t spoil by explaining it to you... but I will share that I’m working on some new things. . 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m. 

Flip

(6-16-17)

 

“Flip your hair back,” he says with a smirk and a few winks of his right eye, “it’ll be our little secret.”

 

“Will it now?” I give him the slightest hint of resistance before tilting my head forward and flipping back my long dark brown locks. There’s nothing quite as pleasurable as seeing the look of satisfaction on his face when he takes command of things. 

 

“Now what?” I press for further instructions. 

 

“Don’t speak unless I tell you to or I’ll make sure you can’t.” he waves the silk scarf to remind me what happens when I misbehave. Without a further word he sits there and thinks. Looking me up and down he pauses then motions me to flip my hair again. Complying with his wishes I flip my hair and follow up with a twirl of my head. It’s enough to get him to respond. “Don’t improvise or you’ll be punished.”

 

Before I can say a thing he quickly races to my side and clamps a hand across my mouth forcing my syllables to sound like a moan. “hmmmphmmm.”

 

“Shhh. That smart mouth will get you a longer wait. Honestly, love do you want to wait any longer?” his question is hurtful because he knows I hate waiting but I will. 

 

Shaking my head to indicate a “no” within the firm grip of his hands, I submit. His hands loosen their hold on my mouth and run across my jaw to lift my mouth to his for a kiss. Tasting his kiss, I kiss him back instinctively. He stops and pulls back to look me in the eyes. The scolding is silent but speaks volumes as he leans in kissing me more forcefully and smearing my lipstick before stopping. Walking away and turning, he commands…

 

“Flip your hair!”

Portraiture

Balance is a great thing if you can find it. Attacking & blaming others won’t bring things into order. Standing your ground and maintaining yourself however can bring order to chaos. Some people don’t like to be wrong. I don’t mind being wrong, I learn from it but when I’m right... I do love it. 

Funny thing that people will show you the side of them they want you to believe in. I prefer to believe in the people that show me their truest self... scars, scrapes, failures, mistakes and all. The devil you know is better than  someone pretending to be angelic. Sometimes it’s easier to trust your heart with people who’ve been hurt too.

In portraits people will show you & tell you what they want you to see with the camera... not entirely all what truly is. There’s no basis for what is actually there because it’s a manipulation of the moment. Much like the things people will say or do... you can’t put much stock into their words if you never see beyond what they want you to. 

Be wary of taking advice from people who don’t take their own advice... especially when they don’t have your best interests at heart. Looking at others faces, bodies and mannerisms will tell you nothing about yourself. Love yourself more.

Life isn’t a portrait... it and the people in it are always changing. Embrace it and... Don’t count the drops of kindness you give out. Give of yourself freely.

Here’s one from the depths of Immersed... it was formerly called Water. Everything changes... this series  had to change names because it never had anything to do with music or such things. 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Break

 (8-9-2017)

“I can’t believe you can still break my heart.”

 

The distance between our two bodies is less than a foot. I can feel the apprehension in the grip of his hand in mine. The cool salt water splashes over our skin as his eyes well up. It’s not his intention to be distant or to cause harm to my heart, so my words penetrate his mind like a knife. Taking a deep breath he swallows before reaching over to touch my face. 

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“I know you’re just hurting. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“But…”

 

The tide is calm around his face. I want to turn away as he stops to look in my eyes. I know he doesn’t have the words. We have to be apart someday and I knew this going into things. I knew he’d have to leave but I stayed by his side trying to avoid this day coming. 

 

“You could come with me.”

“I can’t.”

“But what do you have?”

“I have…”

“You hate your job, your family is a phone call away and everything else is a flight away.”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re the only one breaking your own heart. I want you to come with me.”

 

It’s my turn to shed the tears. As he pulls me closer, never letting go of my hand, the salt water falls from my eyes. The sun is setting behind us and the waves gently touching the shoreline as we embrace. There’s every reason to go with him and yet I can’t bring myself to follow him on his adventure. 

 

“What happens when I stay?”

“Don’t ask me that.”

“Why? Will you stop loving me if I stay?”

“No, I will always love you.”

“Then?”

“I can’t believe you’d break my heart.”

 

Thoughts

Overthinking is not the best use of time... a friend of mine says it’s interesting that thoughts can be so destructive when left unattended. I remind him often that filling a tub with water isn’t dangerous but if you leave the spout running unattended it can be quite destructive. The mind is a terribly powerful tool... use it wisely. 

The last parable wasn’t about the people who think it’s about them. I really do have a very old friend that tries my patience with bad behavior. In fact shortly after that post my friend behaved badly again.

Now when someone calls you by anything other than your name or nickname do you think you are being talked to? No. So why assume the worst is being said against you? Love yourself enough to believe that what others say isn’t necessarily about you. If it is... they’re behaving badly by not approaching you about it privately and it reflects their character, not yours.

With that said, none of us are perfect humans... my thoughts for anyone who saw themselves in my words: Work on yourself if you could think it’s about you. Maybe there is someone or multiple people in your life that you aren’t the nicest to and you feel a hint of regret. Sort it out. You'll have no judgment from me, only distance if you treat me poorly.

In Buddhism, compassion is wanting others to be free from suffering and love is wanting others to be happy. I think if you can alleviate anyone’s suffering so they’re able to find happiness then it’s a positive thing. And you don’t have to be Buddhist to be nice or hold compassion for others. It’s a reflection of the love you have for yourself.

We are all a work in progress on this journey... 

Here’s something about nothing but reminds me of happier thoughts.

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Happy

(8-27-14)

Happiness is my heart. In a small moment I’m alone in a crowded room. Surrounded by the love and happiness of the souls around me. The warmth that fills my soul expands and contracts with my thoughts. The essence of the trees shifts with the wind. 

Slowly the switch of the light changes the mood of crowd. A man flicks his cigarette and I’m lost in the sea. I can smell this morning in the puff of smoke that carries across the sea of faces. I can see his face in the dusk cascading off the white wall. His eyes smile. I wish this moment was the present. But it’s not. It’s a memory where I know he’s sitting across from me. I’m happy thinking of him. But I know I need to return to the present. 

Presents are spilling out her bag as she walks up. I love the way she wears her hair in a bandana. The instant I see her messy curls spilling out and bouncing in the wind. I think of the hints of color in his hair, her black highlighted curls and I’m spinning backwards into his smile.  I’m involved in this self-centered thought where he’s watching me quietly. But he’s not here. 

Here the warmth of the day surrounding me like a lover’s absent hug and I’m imagining the touch that matches his smile. Returning from my thoughts I watch a couple across the room giggling coo’s of tenderness. 

Tenderness in their touch sends me aching into a memory anticipating what could come. I’m struggling for the present moment when all I can think of is the future and the past in my mind’s eye. When I stop to breathe I think of the electricity in those eyes.

Damn those electric eyes. 

I’m happy.

Continuing

There is no conflict unless you see one or create one. There’s nothing in Buddhism about quitting or giving up. Just letting go. You let go of pushing & pulling to let things happen because all that push & pull isn’t truly making things happen. It’s just the illusion that it is. Usually when I tell myself “I quit” it means I’m releasing my perception of how it should be & letting go so it can happen. You don’t force love, living & breathing so why anything else? 

A very old friend of mine continues to be insensitive after years & years of us being friends. It is bothersome to me & some of our mutual friends. Although it’s hard to see discord among friends I quit forcing issues a long time back because it’s futile. You see no matter how much you try to change anyone, they won’t change unless they’re ready to. I continue to remain true to myself & address the issues delicately instead of trying to cause pain by ignoring or distancing myself, but in the end it is up to my friend to change. 

Why stay friends? People who care remain your friend and forgive your mistakes if you are making an effort & trying. True friends want the best for you as they want it for themselves. We are human & fallible.

So I don’t have the Buddhist answer for anyone who really finds themselves in a place of resistance with the universe & people in it except... quit trying to manipulate or have expectations of people or things, put in the hard work & effort into yourself & your decisions then you will see results. Doesn’t mean that people or things won’t happen or try to derail you, just means there’s something to learn when those people or things happen. Don’t make what anyone else is doing about you... especially your friends. You aren’t butting heads unless you choose to be. Realize that they’re on their own journey, like you... just love them, mistakes, imperfections and all. They need your love as much as you do. 

Here’s a 300 about continuing in the same way... it’s not quitting if it’s time to change your approach to something. You’re only returning to the start or starting over if you want to. 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Again?

(4-3-2011)

Are we back here again?

He tells me that we are and that I’m supposed to know why.

I can’t see what he sees and I don’t know why

Or how we ended up here…

Again.

It doesn’t matter why.

Or how.

Or who did it.

It only matters that we’re here.

And we shouldn’t be.

There’s a thousand reasons to see things the way they were.

And one reason to see things different.

I want to see it differently.

And I wonder if he doesn’t want the same thing.

We’ve tried and failed at seeing it from each others eyes.

It’s time for us to see it the same way.

He’s busy working against me when he throws a fist at the wall.

It’s not me he’s mad at.

It’s the situation.

But that won’t stop him from feeling that anger.

That anger is fear.

And the fear is what takes us back to the start.

When he says it’s me that brings us back to the start I know that’s not true.

There is no start or end in this.

It’s nothing like a circle.

There is no center.

There is only the outside like a wall.

And what’s left inside is…

Nothing.

It’s always back to where we started when it should be where we are going.
The future is constantly changing with every move that we make.

Even when we keep starting we’re changing everything.

So why aren’t we moving forward now?

I’m ready to keep moving ahead toward what comes next.

And all he wants to do is start over again.

Again and again.

There’s no way we can win the race if it continues to restart.

No coming back to here.

Time to forget why or how.

It’s time to win the race…

Together.