Mystery

There’s nothing mysterious involved in using your mouth to vocalize words that have no hidden meaning. If you have to explain the mystery behind the creation... you’re missing the point of why you created it because people will see what they want to no matter what you tell them to. Rarely do I explain the truths behind my stories for that reason. Matisse, loosely quoted, once said, “I’d rather cut out my tongue than explain my artwork” Maybe I’ve forgotten how dark I can be?  

The most fun I’ve had working creatively... well there’s  no sharing most of the time just the finished product so it’s always fun to keep a secret. 

Do you keep a little mystery behind your art? Or do you ruin the surprise? 

Here’s something old that I won’t spoil by explaining it to you... but I will share that I’m working on some new things. . 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m. 

Flip

(6-16-17)

 

“Flip your hair back,” he says with a smirk and a few winks of his right eye, “it’ll be our little secret.”

 

“Will it now?” I give him the slightest hint of resistance before tilting my head forward and flipping back my long dark brown locks. There’s nothing quite as pleasurable as seeing the look of satisfaction on his face when he takes command of things. 

 

“Now what?” I press for further instructions. 

 

“Don’t speak unless I tell you to or I’ll make sure you can’t.” he waves the silk scarf to remind me what happens when I misbehave. Without a further word he sits there and thinks. Looking me up and down he pauses then motions me to flip my hair again. Complying with his wishes I flip my hair and follow up with a twirl of my head. It’s enough to get him to respond. “Don’t improvise or you’ll be punished.”

 

Before I can say a thing he quickly races to my side and clamps a hand across my mouth forcing my syllables to sound like a moan. “hmmmphmmm.”

 

“Shhh. That smart mouth will get you a longer wait. Honestly, love do you want to wait any longer?” his question is hurtful because he knows I hate waiting but I will. 

 

Shaking my head to indicate a “no” within the firm grip of his hands, I submit. His hands loosen their hold on my mouth and run across my jaw to lift my mouth to his for a kiss. Tasting his kiss, I kiss him back instinctively. He stops and pulls back to look me in the eyes. The scolding is silent but speaks volumes as he leans in kissing me more forcefully and smearing my lipstick before stopping. Walking away and turning, he commands…

 

“Flip your hair!”

Portraiture

Balance is a great thing if you can find it. Attacking & blaming others won’t bring things into order. Standing your ground and maintaining yourself however can bring order to chaos. Some people don’t like to be wrong. I don’t mind being wrong, I learn from it but when I’m right... I do love it. 

Funny thing that people will show you the side of them they want you to believe in. I prefer to believe in the people that show me their truest self... scars, scrapes, failures, mistakes and all. The devil you know is better than  someone pretending to be angelic. Sometimes it’s easier to trust your heart with people who’ve been hurt too.

In portraits people will show you & tell you what they want you to see with the camera... not entirely all what truly is. There’s no basis for what is actually there because it’s a manipulation of the moment. Much like the things people will say or do... you can’t put much stock into their words if you never see beyond what they want you to. 

Be wary of taking advice from people who don’t take their own advice... especially when they don’t have your best interests at heart. Looking at others faces, bodies and mannerisms will tell you nothing about yourself. Love yourself more.

Life isn’t a portrait... it and the people in it are always changing. Embrace it and... Don’t count the drops of kindness you give out. Give of yourself freely.

Here’s one from the depths of Immersed... it was formerly called Water. Everything changes... this series  had to change names because it never had anything to do with music or such things. 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Break

 (8-9-2017)

“I can’t believe you can still break my heart.”

 

The distance between our two bodies is less than a foot. I can feel the apprehension in the grip of his hand in mine. The cool salt water splashes over our skin as his eyes well up. It’s not his intention to be distant or to cause harm to my heart, so my words penetrate his mind like a knife. Taking a deep breath he swallows before reaching over to touch my face. 

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“I know you’re just hurting. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“But…”

 

The tide is calm around his face. I want to turn away as he stops to look in my eyes. I know he doesn’t have the words. We have to be apart someday and I knew this going into things. I knew he’d have to leave but I stayed by his side trying to avoid this day coming. 

 

“You could come with me.”

“I can’t.”

“But what do you have?”

“I have…”

“You hate your job, your family is a phone call away and everything else is a flight away.”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re the only one breaking your own heart. I want you to come with me.”

 

It’s my turn to shed the tears. As he pulls me closer, never letting go of my hand, the salt water falls from my eyes. The sun is setting behind us and the waves gently touching the shoreline as we embrace. There’s every reason to go with him and yet I can’t bring myself to follow him on his adventure. 

 

“What happens when I stay?”

“Don’t ask me that.”

“Why? Will you stop loving me if I stay?”

“No, I will always love you.”

“Then?”

“I can’t believe you’d break my heart.”

 

Thoughts

Overthinking is not the best use of time... a friend of mine says it’s interesting that thoughts can be so destructive when left unattended. I remind him often that filling a tub with water isn’t dangerous but if you leave the spout running unattended it can be quite destructive. The mind is a terribly powerful tool... use it wisely. 

The last parable wasn’t about the people who think it’s about them. I really do have a very old friend that tries my patience with bad behavior. In fact shortly after that post my friend behaved badly again.

Now when someone calls you by anything other than your name or nickname do you think you are being talked to? No. So why assume the worst is being said against you? Love yourself enough to believe that what others say isn’t necessarily about you. If it is... they’re behaving badly by not approaching you about it privately and it reflects their character, not yours.

With that said, none of us are perfect humans... my thoughts for anyone who saw themselves in my words: Work on yourself if you could think it’s about you. Maybe there is someone or multiple people in your life that you aren’t the nicest to and you feel a hint of regret. Sort it out. You'll have no judgment from me, only distance if you treat me poorly.

In Buddhism, compassion is wanting others to be free from suffering and love is wanting others to be happy. I think if you can alleviate anyone’s suffering so they’re able to find happiness then it’s a positive thing. And you don’t have to be Buddhist to be nice or hold compassion for others. It’s a reflection of the love you have for yourself.

We are all a work in progress on this journey... 

Here’s something about nothing but reminds me of happier thoughts.

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Happy

(8-27-14)

Happiness is my heart. In a small moment I’m alone in a crowded room. Surrounded by the love and happiness of the souls around me. The warmth that fills my soul expands and contracts with my thoughts. The essence of the trees shifts with the wind. 

Slowly the switch of the light changes the mood of crowd. A man flicks his cigarette and I’m lost in the sea. I can smell this morning in the puff of smoke that carries across the sea of faces. I can see his face in the dusk cascading off the white wall. His eyes smile. I wish this moment was the present. But it’s not. It’s a memory where I know he’s sitting across from me. I’m happy thinking of him. But I know I need to return to the present. 

Presents are spilling out her bag as she walks up. I love the way she wears her hair in a bandana. The instant I see her messy curls spilling out and bouncing in the wind. I think of the hints of color in his hair, her black highlighted curls and I’m spinning backwards into his smile.  I’m involved in this self-centered thought where he’s watching me quietly. But he’s not here. 

Here the warmth of the day surrounding me like a lover’s absent hug and I’m imagining the touch that matches his smile. Returning from my thoughts I watch a couple across the room giggling coo’s of tenderness. 

Tenderness in their touch sends me aching into a memory anticipating what could come. I’m struggling for the present moment when all I can think of is the future and the past in my mind’s eye. When I stop to breathe I think of the electricity in those eyes.

Damn those electric eyes. 

I’m happy.

Continuing

There is no conflict unless you see one or create one. There’s nothing in Buddhism about quitting or giving up. Just letting go. You let go of pushing & pulling to let things happen because all that push & pull isn’t truly making things happen. It’s just the illusion that it is. Usually when I tell myself “I quit” it means I’m releasing my perception of how it should be & letting go so it can happen. You don’t force love, living & breathing so why anything else? 

A very old friend of mine continues to be insensitive after years & years of us being friends. It is bothersome to me & some of our mutual friends. Although it’s hard to see discord among friends I quit forcing issues a long time back because it’s futile. You see no matter how much you try to change anyone, they won’t change unless they’re ready to. I continue to remain true to myself & address the issues delicately instead of trying to cause pain by ignoring or distancing myself, but in the end it is up to my friend to change. 

Why stay friends? People who care remain your friend and forgive your mistakes if you are making an effort & trying. True friends want the best for you as they want it for themselves. We are human & fallible.

So I don’t have the Buddhist answer for anyone who really finds themselves in a place of resistance with the universe & people in it except... quit trying to manipulate or have expectations of people or things, put in the hard work & effort into yourself & your decisions then you will see results. Doesn’t mean that people or things won’t happen or try to derail you, just means there’s something to learn when those people or things happen. Don’t make what anyone else is doing about you... especially your friends. You aren’t butting heads unless you choose to be. Realize that they’re on their own journey, like you... just love them, mistakes, imperfections and all. They need your love as much as you do. 

Here’s a 300 about continuing in the same way... it’s not quitting if it’s time to change your approach to something. You’re only returning to the start or starting over if you want to. 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Again?

(4-3-2011)

Are we back here again?

He tells me that we are and that I’m supposed to know why.

I can’t see what he sees and I don’t know why

Or how we ended up here…

Again.

It doesn’t matter why.

Or how.

Or who did it.

It only matters that we’re here.

And we shouldn’t be.

There’s a thousand reasons to see things the way they were.

And one reason to see things different.

I want to see it differently.

And I wonder if he doesn’t want the same thing.

We’ve tried and failed at seeing it from each others eyes.

It’s time for us to see it the same way.

He’s busy working against me when he throws a fist at the wall.

It’s not me he’s mad at.

It’s the situation.

But that won’t stop him from feeling that anger.

That anger is fear.

And the fear is what takes us back to the start.

When he says it’s me that brings us back to the start I know that’s not true.

There is no start or end in this.

It’s nothing like a circle.

There is no center.

There is only the outside like a wall.

And what’s left inside is…

Nothing.

It’s always back to where we started when it should be where we are going.
The future is constantly changing with every move that we make.

Even when we keep starting we’re changing everything.

So why aren’t we moving forward now?

I’m ready to keep moving ahead toward what comes next.

And all he wants to do is start over again.

Again and again.

There’s no way we can win the race if it continues to restart.

No coming back to here.

Time to forget why or how.

It’s time to win the race…

Together.

Infinite

Love to find old writing... there’s something about it turning up that lights up my heart. Mostly because I’ve lost writing & photographs over the years... the whole non-attachment Buddhist thing doesn’t always help with those losses but I’m a work in progress. I won’t tell you how to cope with letting things go because I still get devastated like everyone else when I lose anything creative or meaningful I’ve invested myself into... school, work, love, people and sometimes material things. Rediscovering things also fills my heart with joy because it’s a reminder of who I was at that moment. It’s a nice reminder to make note of my evolution and wonder if I could still get in that mental space to write the same before wondering who I’ll be in a few years.

Here’s an old piece that I’d found a few years ago and rediscovered again today.

Do you like to remember who you were, reflect who you are now and wonder who you'll become?

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Infinite

(8-8-2011)

The darkness, the shadows, the lights & the breathes that take up the empty places between us. It's not the closeness that's scary. The tremble of my breathing & tightening in my chest is something I resist as I watch you push away once more promising to return. Distance feeds & breeds fear in the mind but love is infinite & vast enough to fill the empty places. It's a long road in this life, there's nothing holding us back from living. Live, knowing that love is the absence of fear; an energy strong enough to overcome all. Release your fears, embrace and give love. As long as I breathe you’ll have my love between the dark, the light and the shadows.

Composure

“You’ll lose your mind, trying to understand others”

No matter what you think you see... it’s how you compose yourself that counts. 

How do you deal with things?

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Relax

“Relax,” the way he says the words reminds me of my mother because of his smile. 

 

Whenever I’m receiving less than pleasant news from my mother she purses her lips and gives me a smile that is the bearer of a consolation prize. It really isn't a bad face, but I can recognize the look a mile a way. The first time I can remember her making the face, I was five years old. They were sending my cat Giana St. Matthews away. I was allergic to her hair and the medicine made my hands and face break out in hives. I remember how much I cried that day Giana was given to my cousin Dina. I knew she would be happy and taken care of, but it still didn’t make me feel any better. My mother told me to relax with her best smile while my father handed me a puppy. 

 

In this moment he stands before me. I know he’s only trying to calm me and there’s no consolation prize. No puppy or pressing of lips into a smile that will mask my disappointment through placation. There’s only a reassuring calm in his voice that keeps pressing onward. Comforting my mind and reminding me that although nothing can make this feeling improve it can be released. As this moment progresses and expands into an unending din in my mind he continues to be the voice of reason. His voices soothes and reminds  me that I’ve worked myself into a tirade of worry for nothing; that all of my anxiety is unnecessary and I am overreacting to situations and things that are beyond my control. I know that the only chance of releasing my panic is to let it all go. 

 

“Relax,” he says and smiles again. 

 

 

Drive

Drive or no drive? No matter which way you go or how you live your life, someone will have some opinion about it... I like people that just tell me stories about things instead of their opinion. You can capture the same moment but it’ll never be what someone else experienced. Instead of worrying how they experience it, just let them enjoy the moment.

You can enjoy those who are on the same road as you and let the others who aren’t driven by the same impulse do their thing. 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

There’s No Dance Music in L.A. 

(5-6-16)

Lost. I’m lost on the highway and there’s nothing but a voice on the line. She’s been talking for a least a half hour. The woman on the line was calling and hanging up when I answered, so I stopped answering and put her on speaker. She hears me breathing and knows that someone is listening so she keeps talking. 

Confessing. Dying. Wallowing.

“Chloe, I’m sorry. I think I’m dying. I love you.”She says it with a conviction that tells me she’s not playing. I can feel you crying for her so I imagine Chloe is a bitch like Felicia to make you disappear. But you don’t. 

I released this beautiful voice to the road and decided to follow the setting sun because there’s nothing on the radio. I turned it off when the girl blowing me at the airport announced that “there’s no dance music in L.A.” and decided she wasn’t hungry anymore. I told her I wasn’t a DJ but she wasn’t amused about my being a musician so she climbed in the backseat for a nap after telling me to find Sunset. 

Somewhere on Sunset the lines on the road start to merge and the buildings around me are taller than I thought they’d be. I need a hit. But I keep driving. 

“There’s nothing like driving in L.A. to teach you patience,” Wayne said to me when we were stuck in traffic on the 405. It’s the only last real memory of Wayne that I can conjure up without thinking of the violence. 

Violence breaks the silence when the girl in the backseat starts screaming. I think she’s hurt or something but she’s just dreaming. This girl is dreaming of the terrible things that will come to take her away from living while the one on the phone is begging for something terrible to make her stop living

Walking into the house is like a dream. Wayne isn’t playing when he says, “time’s up” and goes over to the bar in his study. He’s making a Cognac on the rocks when Gina sits me down with a push of her hands on my shoulders. I’m not sober and you fucking left again. I can see the skull of that man Wayne “handled” last year. It was an “accident” but not the kind where people walk away. It’s something of reminder that Wayne keeps when people piss him off. He leaves it out on the table with all the implications that remain with it. It implies nothing but betrayal between best friends and love for your enemies. Somehow I can’t stop staring at the skull while I take a hit my brain starts to wander...

“Alas, Poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred…” 

The dialogue of Shakespeare snaps into my brain bringing with it the sharp and quick sting of a dagger being shoved through my skin. I can feel the memory of words crawl backwards within and there’s nothing I can do because I’m losing my mind without you. It’s nothing like I thought it would be like. You’re not here and I’m all alone. Just like that girl on the phone was when she was dying with her tears looking for her lover, Chloe and all this is happening. Happening. Happening when I look at the skull on the table. I can’t help but feel the pain of knowing that I didn’t know anyone. Not truly the way that man knew Yorick. He knew him and there’s nothing and no one that I can speak the same for. It’s like watching my body leave me behind and I no longer want another hit. I just wanted you gone. And now I’m alone.

I think of getting up and leaving the room and maybe I do because I feel like everyone is gone and I just wanted you gone because all you think about is her. I finally move because that fucking skull won’t stop reminding me of dying or losing you. 

“Where are you going?” Gina sings into my ear and I keep thinking I said something or that she’s reading my mind when the thought of finding you comes back into my head. 

“Fucking Adrian, where are you? Look at me! Come back!” Gina’s pissed but you’ve taken off waiting for me to find you again and it’s always like this when things become less than clear. 

Clear. The water in the bathtub is clear when I get in. Jemma watches me as I get into the water. I’m naked and I wonder as she’s still looking if she’s thinking that we’re sleeping together. I don’t want to sleep with Jemma. But I don’t stop her from getting into the tub with me. 

“Adrian…”

“Don’t talk Jemma,” I kiss her and tell her I miss her. It’s not a lie because I know you miss her. This means I miss her too. But I can’t feel that pain of loss. I’m just in the moment holding her. She’s trembling. I wish she wasn’t living this life. It’s hard to watch her stop being herself but it doesn’t matter. She’s in my arms and she’s my Jemina again. 

“I love you.” She looks in my eyes and says it before putting her head on my chest. I can feel her warm tears on my skin as she sobs. Between her tears and breathes I want to feel like I’m home but I can’t. I’m lost. 

I’m lost.

And I’m at the beginning of the one place I can’t remember being before I decided it didn’t matter if I found you. 

The Hollywood sign. 

It’s bigger and smaller than it looks and there’s a good chance you’re somewhere dancing with the reds while the bottle of pills stays empty in my pocket. I must have said something out loud because before I can look for another color of candy a voice reaches out into the night. 

“That’s not the Hollywood sign,” the stupid spoiled whore in the backseat who won’t blow me or get the fuck out of the rental car says. “You’re parked next to the billboard on Sunset that lights up for the tourists. It’s a fucking eyesore.” The little bitch shuts up and starts snoring again. It’s then I decide I need another car. 

Into

Into the great wide open... everyday is unknown. You choose to keep going despite the fact that nothing is certain. Fate is an interesting concept that I’ve thought a great deal about recently. In Buddhism it’s Destiny that directs the path that life takes us. It’s influenced by our previous karma. Regardless of what's been or meant to be... sometimes the only thing you can do is walk forward and face the open unknown. 

What you think about Destiny? How do you feel about the unknown?

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Open

(7-26-2011)

“Open… The door. ”

“Pardon?”

“The door’s opening. Just swinging real slow.”

“I see. It must be the wind. Would you like me to close it?”

“Nah. You ever hear about open doors?”

“Can’t say that I have.”

“It’s a shame. There’s so much an open door can tell you.”

“Really. Can you tell me a little?”

“I’ll do more than tell you a little. It’s not so much that there’s a lot to say but there’s more than a little.”

“Alright. I’ve never heard it said that way before but I know what you mean.”

“Alright, kid. Now an open door may seem like a coincidence or a man’s lazy tail needed to be yanked up but that don’t mean it’s not a good sign just the same. An open door is like an invitation to step on through. Embrace whatever rests beyond that threshold. Whether it’s daylight, nightlight or a bit of rain, the door being open means that you ought to take a chance and step through.”

“Wait. I don’t understand. I just got here and I want to sit down before I leave again.”

“Hush, child. That’s not what I’m saying. The door is telling you about an opportunity to take in. When the time is right, you’ll know it. It will call you tell you that it’s been too long.”

“I don’t know. Why did it swing so slow?”

“Ah child, the uncertainty is your fear and the swing… The swing of the door is calling you to arms. Some folks tell me that slow is sneaking in unexpected. While a rush of a door is sending you the sign that the unknown is prompting you to act. It should feel like an impulse in your skin to be sure. So child…”

“It’s wide open.”

1953

Roman Holiday is one of my favorites... it’s about a princess secretly escaping her life & playing hooky because she’s so frustrated by the tight constrains of her daily schedule. Sometimes you need a break to stop and smell the flowers. Other times you need to work harder to keep afloat ... everything requires balance. Now and again that balance feels wobbly... 

Do you ever escape the monotony of your routine? If you don’t, you should. I would if I could. ;)

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Together

(10-21-2010)

 “Can we?”  He says.

“It’s been one of those days at the end of a very long week. Can we have a daydream together?” He insists with a smile and leans his head a little to the left and touches the back of my neck with his warm hand.  

A long week that never ends. Work. And nothing but that. When it seems there’s no chance for escape, then you find it. Resting in front your thoughts and granting your soul peace. The golden light of day shining vividly across the bright waters of paradise. Miles and miles of coastline. White sands and the sounds of surf crashing along the line of coast. Birds call and dive in and out of the cool bright waters.

 “Oh I don’t know it’s been a very long day.” I tell him in a small jest. “And it’s the end of the week.” He lowers his face to look me in the eye as his smile widens with my unconvincing response.

“Please. You know you want to.” He insists. “If I want to, then you know you want to.” He looks at me and presses his lips together with a smile. I can’t remember ever saying no to him when he does this. So I don’t.

“Yes of course I do. I miss it a lot lately.” I smile and blush as he grabs at my hands that try to stay busy.

The warm sunlight touches my bare skin. I ask him if maybe we can stay longer this time. I tell him I like it here. This is my favorite one. He agrees and suggests we keep looking for find a place to enjoy it. With this he keeps walking and I follow with my hand tucked around his waist.

“Oh, how I do miss it.” I stop to look at him and nod.

“See. What better reason for it.” He tells me and pulls me closer toward him again.

“Alright, let’s have a moment in the clouds.” I’m curious and the thought of a temporary escape from the day to day banal sounds divine.

He tells me to look at the water. So I ask him what is there. He points out all the birds diving and catching fish as they rise. I can feel the breeze sweep across my skin and the goose-bumps that run up and down his arm.

He is full of animation and laughter with my agreement. I can see the wheels in his head turning already with anticipation as his arm holds mine tighter and pulls me inward further. As I lean against his chest I can see that unmistakable look in his eyes. It’s the one of pure wild imagination. He’s probably thought of how we’ll get there. Wherever there will be. It’s half the fun of not knowing where we’ll end up before this begins. So he gets ready. Setting the scene. Placing the idea of spontaneity in the front of his mind and preparing to run with it.

The air has the distinct smell of the ocean in it as the wind continues to carry through my hair. In the sand his feet lift and fall in a less than routine pattern. The moment feels like forever as we’re walking and I’m leaning. He runs his hand across my skin and touches my neckline before asking when I want to go. I tell him just a little longer. It’s been a long week. And he says we can take as long as we need.

“Where would you like…” His mood is more subdued when I ask him this. He looks down into my eyes as I smile waiting for his response.

“How do you feel about the Pacific Northwest?” He tells me through a smile that shows a few teeth. I know this is a joke and play along.

“Eh? How about something a little more arctic? Alaska? Antarctica?” I wrap my loose arms around him with a play shiver and look into his gaze that pretends to drift but stays quite present in the moment with his grin.

“Use your imagination. Think a little more worldly and exotic. And not like that last one. I loved the African jungle. But why not…”

“Oh, exotic and worldly. How about uncharted?”

“I like that. Now you’re getting into it.” he says and wraps his arms around me tighter.

“Nothing like before. Let’s do somehing…”

“Different. How about a walk on the beach together?”

“I thought you’d never ask. Shall we?”

Bunnies

Sometimes you just need a little help from a friend to look and be your best... 

True friends do their best not to let you down, they catch you when you fall and lift you up when you need them to... when things are hard you discover that not all the people in your life are friends. Stay away from those people. It’ll definitely keep your head mixed up with the wrong thoughts. 

Now there’s nothing wrong with being self reliant and picking yourself up if you can. But it’s greater when there are people around being supportive & reminding you that you’re capable and have control of everything, especially when you don’t feel like it. 

Do you listen to all the people that want you to be happy? Or the ones that want you to be sad?

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Control

(9-8-2010)

Control. That’s what they all want. See them running around yelling at each other like that. No respect. No control over themselves so they displace it onto others.

Oh, hello. I’m fitting you today. Lovely meeting you meeting me isn’t it? Although I’m not entirely sure of whom you are but it’s someone on my list of important names. And apparently you’re the most important one.

Christina? Charlotte? My list seems to be out of… wait there you are Rachel Thorn. Not familiar, but very kind. You are welcome. I can read a person a mile a way and you my dear are pure kindness.

From the looks of things they have you down as a size 2, now that isn’t right, is it? But it…

OF COURSE VERA! I know I got the memo. She’s a size 2. Blah-blah-blah.

Tell me, do you like them lying to you or is it you lying to yourself on this? Shh. There’s no judgment. But I’m the last person in the world you can lie to about size. It’s a shame at that. You are a very lovely size 6, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Can’t breathe love? With all this chaos and nonsense who can blame you.

Pills! No, Goddamn it. Alan! Get this person out of my sight she doesn’t need anything like that.

Don’t they pay you bitches to fight with each other instead of bothering me? Go somewhere else and do that. Take your sizes and pills with you.

Ah, breathing? Yes. Here’s a paper bag. Go on. Like when you were a child. Slow. Deep Breathes. Good girl.

Alright let’s not focus on them, let’s focus on this marvelous dress instead.  And honey, no one will know that you’re anything other than fabulous when we’re done.

Stillness

In order to find stillness in chaos then you must go with flow become what’s surrounding you... be like the ocean when the waves of life are crashing around you. A jealous nature can be pacified. I wear a tattoo of my jealous nature as a reminder not to indulge it. I learned a very long time ago not to let it get the better of me because it meant I truly didn’t love the person if my insecurity overruled my trust in them. How about you? 

Do you find calm in chaos? Or do you let your anger break your calm. 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.  

Calm

(8-6-2014)

calm

his lips curl into a smile

he says nothing

I’m calm

Alone and reflecting

The scent of his skin remains in my mind

When he’s away

a moment of closeness between us

races my heart

but I appear calm

look at the sky

look at the ground

hold the breath before I release the smoke

there’s nothing like his touch

words I can’t find the courage to say

I fake my calm

Inhale and exhale

Building my bravery

But he doesn’t notice

reclining back he takes a drag of a cig

I want to ask for one but don’t

Stay calm

I don’t know that I look

into anyone’s face

the way I look into his

Electric eyes they make my pulse speed

He smiles when I stare too long

Be calm.

Words he says drift away quiet

The stillness of his stare wanders

My forehead then my hair

he pushes away from my touch

he looks away at another's face

I behave calm.

There's only din in my mind

Fury in my hands

He dismisses me

Smile when he’s looking

Smoke a quick cig when I’m alone

Pretend to be calm

It’s not my age

I’m old enough yet.

A girl and yet a woman

He wants to be with her

Older, sophisticated 

I’m anything but calm

She’s everything to me

A version of life

I’ll never be

He smiles and waves at her

She looks happy to see him

Calm down

He leaves me to talk to her

Their words overlap

Few but enough

I want to rip out her brown hair

Her smile matches his face

Calmness evades me

She’s letting him go

I’m watching her stand alone

Smiles looked intimate

Her voice is quiet but she watches him

Never going over to press futher

Calm