Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Sleep: Dreams and Nightmares 43

There was a time I was writing my sleeping dreams down in a journal my sister gave me. Usually to use them for fiction or keep personal. Often I never shared them unless it was in the capacity of a fictional story which I never told. Most days I usually still scribble ideas down on myself or a scrap of paper for stories but I don't tell people whichare sleeping dreams. Here's a dream I shared with my sister in part of a letter...

Do you share your sleeping dreams with everyone?

Kisses, m.

Dancing on the edge...

**Taken from an letter written to my sister...

Dancing on the edge… or things that happen when you’re not sleeping.

A man keeps putting his head in a lion’s mouth and taking it out again. This is happening while I’m smoking a bubble gum cigarette and you keep telling me about people living on the edge. That’s when I tell you that you’re supposed to get as close to the edge as possible without falling off. After I say this you take out a gun and shoot the invisible man who isn’t invisible when he bleeds. Only he’s not wounded because it was an invisible bullet and the man putting his head in the lion’s mouth is asking if this is far enough while he’s holding open the jaw of the beast. 

On the edge of the waking dream, I keep thinking of lunches and emails. I think of how something is nothing. Nothing at all. I think of fairy tales and how life isn’t one of them. This is before I think that every fairy tale has a happy ending if you let it. 

That’s the problem with most people they think you get something for nothing. Try reading fairy tales. No, try really reading them. Most of them aren’t magical or happy. In fact most of them require payment or retribution for a reward. And almost never does prince charming walk away with the fair maiden. Never does anyone get what they want without losing something first. A hand, a finger, a foot, a head, a parent, a child, a large amount of money, or a past life. Anything that is worth having comes with a sacrifice and a scar. No one is alive without paying the price. 

Its sometime around 8am I’m completely awake instead of lucid and realizing that I’ve partly failed in attempting to accomplish something new, but at least it was done and I’m about to do it again cause I don’t believe them when they tell me “that part of your brain doesn’t work when you are in a sleep state.”

Now you are confused so let me explain… Salvador Dali sometimes painted while inducing his sleep. He would fall asleep with his chin cupped in his hand. And pencil or paintbrush in tow. So that once he had reached this half cognitive state he would paint. Decidedly I’ve tried to manipulate this lucidity for the purpose of writing. My experiment produced several lines that were badly misspelled, however completely coherent. It was less than desired but far more than expected because this is the part of your brain that isn’t supposed to be working like this.

Something else I’ve been wondering before 10am this morning is the need for more art in the world. There really truly isn’t enough. And then there is the concern with money. The matter that there is simply never enough. If you stop to think if there will ever be enough you will be wondering that for a long time. It’s always about the money, when it shouldn’t be. Art, literature, music and so many things should be free. Because unlike someone tells me…  not everything has a price tag. Some things are free when others can not be. It isn’t a criticism of one it is of the world we live in. Everyone should see a Dali, or a Rembrandt in person without cost but that isn’t the world we live in. Someday this will not be the case and there will be no monetary need, but that is not today. 

Sometimes to create something beautiful or grand it must come at a cost. It’s not without its sacrifice, but sometimes to do what is wanted you must first do what is needed. There are consequences in life, but they are always at the result of our choices. Good or bad. Rich or poor. Nothing is permanent. Even when soon is not soon enough. You don’t stop dreaming because it doesn’t work the first time. 

This is why you dance with the unknown above the terrifying edge of life. Dancing on the edge of disaster is like walking hand in hand with the devil you know. You should never stand in the middle of the island. Although it is safe and sound, no ship can see you for rescue. Have you ever danced on the edge before? I have. It is worth it. So go on then… Dance on the edge of the cliff. Look over the dizzying edge without falling off. Balance lies in the ability look as far as you can without tumbling off the edge. Don’t be afraid to fall off.  

How far into the mouth of the lion can you stick your head without losing it? This of course is an odd question to formulate when I’m not leaning in far enough… YET. But still leaning.

Back to lunches and emails where there’s no such thing as invisible people, fairy tales only have happy endings if you let them, where something is in fact nothing without a scar and all of it is only a story of what has already happened. Back to the places that live on the edges of forced lucidity. Back to where nothing makes more sense than something. And although something is not standing directly in front of you doesn’t mean it’s not out there. Lean in a little more if you can’t see it… YET.


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