Thursday, April 3, 2014

a reason...

Do you ever have to wonder if you need a reason to be in love? I don't know. My best guess: No. I do know that you don't need a reason to walk or push away from someone... just a feeling: FEAR. What I do know about love is that it's nothing like you think it will feel and it's everything you never thought it would be; IT'S BETTER. Love often improves a man, but can it change a woman? Yes, but you have to let it in. Anyway, here's a story about not seeing things the same, but still wanting the same thing. And in the end that's all love really is. 

Kisses, m. 

c/o tyler shields 

So tired of playing with this bow and arrow.
Gonna give my heart away.
Leave it for the other girls to play.
For I’ve been a temptress too long.
Give me a reason to love you.
Give me a reason to be a woman.
Let me be a woman.
I just wanna be a woman. 
All I want to be is a woman.
This is the beginning of forever. And ever.
Glory Box - Portishead

The power’s been out for over an hour. He’s still sitting on the edge of the bed where he was when it first happened. I thought the darkness would jar him and it hasn’t. The Day-Glo green numbers are burned brightly into the dial of the clock on the nightstand. It doesn’t matter if its day or night those numbers would still find themselves etched in neatly.

Somehow the argument stopped before the lights went out but remained until after they faded. The tension in his silhouette remains as he tilts his head down. There is no argument. We shouldn’t be fighting.

Somewhere with the lights on he was talking to me. His face was wearing a look of sheer exhaustion while he spun the band of gold around his left finger before pointing it. It’s not an ultimatum when he says that this is the beginning of forever. At least that’s what I keep telling myself afterwards when his words repeat inconsistently through my brain.

After he tells me that he wants me to be his woman I tell him that’s not what I had in mind before getting up and looking out of the window. It’s not that I don’t want it. It’s that I want more than that.  I see him looking at the funny shape of my top lip with a stare as he tries to think of what to say next.

“Tell me what you want.”
“I want to be a woman. Your woman.”
“I don’t understand. Then be.”
 “You know I love you. And you love me.”
“What else?”
“Give me a reason to be…
“Why do you need to…?”
“I need to know.”

This is just another game that we play. Because we’re both hoping for something perfect when it’s never anything that we can ever find. Or will ever need to. And these games have grown so tiresome. I’m done. I put away my things and I’m ready for forever. All those games like the others are done. This is exactly where I want to be and somehow it’s not enough. I need him to prove it to me. I need a reason to be his. Because this is forever, I need his trust.

Think of all the foolish games that people play with each other. And right now we’re both playing that same part. Playing the part where it’s his turn to speak in the dark and mine turn to let him say it. His face lifts up to make eye contact with mine and he says nothing. In the dark in the middle of this game he makes it clear that there’s nothing to be said although there’s so much more.

Even when we have each other there’s a battle to be won. All you need is love. Are you sure about that?

Love isn’t here in this dark place between us in the silence. It won’t stop us from breaking apart and having to play this unnecessary game once more. It’s a game that neither of us wants to be a part of anymore. Somehow we both want another reason to stay and it’s a matter of who will draw first.

The thought that people do this everyday is astounding.  Yet they do.

The Pointless. Mediocre. Irrelevant.


They’re too busy trying to be the winner than simply be. For the most part the games are unnecessary. Yet, they spend their lives thinking that they have tomorrow and another to do something when it’s not like that at all. You have to find a reason today; otherwise tomorrow has just as little meaning as today.

Some people might tell you that it’s enough to get the ring. In the tiny band of gold, that’s where his heart lies. And if he gives it to you then you know. But in this ring that I’ve got, the same one that I wear so well, it isn’t enough of a reason. That ring isn’t the reason you love. Getting it means nothing. The reason you love, you simply love with or without the band of gold wrapped around your finger.

As I stand not looking out the window I’m twisting the golden halo around my finger. The same halo that matches his except in size and mass is spinning around as I think that this is more possible to resolve because I know what I want and there’s no other reason needed to justify it.

All I want is him.

Love. Some people may have to wonder what that would be like. At least I always did. Until I met him.

So many times I’ve seen his face and found it connecting with mine.  Then we met. And it was the simplest thing that came. Even now as the power reconnects and his stare matches mine, it’s easy. Its there. And don’t mind that he can’t think of a reason. It’s somewhere already there between the Day-Glo numbers and the open window that I know the reason I’m here is already in front of me.

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