Sunday, December 20, 2009

Taste in Men.

Taste in Men - Placebo
Taste in Men.

Bad track record. 25 dates. Potential boyfriend material number ‘3’ in six months. I happen to have the worst taste in men. Time to change it. Possibly my track record speaks for itself. It’s not that I’m a man-eater per se. I just hate dating. Call me broken or damaged, but I just don’t like ANYONE. People irritate me in an overall general way. Well…

Potential #3. Very nice, sweet. Wants me to move in with him already. Talking future marriage. We’ve only had a handful of dates. He’s planning on relocating to DC next year too. Already talking about a long distance relationship and we barely know each other. Obnoxious. I don’t even know how he prefers his eggs. Indeed. This one is presumptuous of the situation. He “loves” me but needs to put a thousand miles between us. I don’t know? I personally just don’t like how his ears stick out past his hair and how his mouth curves when he talks about politics. But what do I know? Maybe I was getting ahead of myself looking for a reason not to like that poor bastard. Nope. Pretty certain I was right.

Phone. My sister. No pleasantries needed. “Alexis. Yes, I’m home already!” I sing into the line as I shift to cradle the cell under my chin and attempt to find my Bluetooth in my purse. Mina how was the date? “It was AWFUL! Just dreadful. Co-habitation.” You didn’t! “NO! I didn’t” He didn’t! “YES!” Wow, hon, how are you doing? Did he take it… “Damn it Alexis! I’m fine.” Breathe. Give up on Bluetooth. “Alexis please not right now.” Mina please tell me you didn’t. Not another one. “Yes I did.” Breathe. Silence. “I know,” as I roll my eyes, “another one.” I pull out some chemicals from the cupboard and walk to the bathroom as I continue with my sister.

“Alexis you really have no idea what it’s like out there. You’ve been with Andy for 5 years.” Mix my concoction next to the tub as I sit on the toilet. Mina, where is he? “In the bathtub.” HOW? “Poison.” Pause. Enter frustration. “Please Alexis, not right now.” MINA! How did you even… “LOOK, I’m up to my ears in lye and cleaning up this mess! I’ll talk to you later.” I’m calling mom! You are so out of control. YOU can’t just go around killing every bad date you have. “ALEXIS!!! DON’T YOU DARE! AND I DON’T KILL THEM ALL!” She hangs up on me. Well I don’t kill them all… “eh, just most of them,” I thought out loud. It’s actually kind of funny.

Where was I? Oh yes. Black rubber gloves. Apron. Mask. This particular fellow was actually quite sweet and a bit of a romantic. He always brought flowers and opened doors for me. Too bad, time to remove the clothes. Shoes first. Cheap boxers. No undershirt. Not gaining points here, in fact losing the few he had to begin with. I’ve got the fireplace going strong in the other room to dispose of the clothing and other such things. Before I can even begin to pour my chemicals in…

Phone. Never was able to find my Bluetooth. Sigh. “Hi, Mom!” In my best perky voice. Mina, are you okay?“Yes, I’m fine. I’m sorry about Alexis, she shouldn’t have called you.” Mina, do you know what hour it is? “Yes, I know it’s late and I don’t want to talk right now anyhow.” Well is he dead at least? You do remember what happened to… “Yes, he’s dead!” I declare with sheer exasperation. The body moves. DAMN! Plunger over face before he lets out a noise. I struggle a smidge with one leg on the wall and the other on the tub for leverage. I balance and shove him back. Mom continues to prattle on with her lecture so she doesn’t notice I’ve stopped listening. Phone still cradled between my ear and shoulder so I have a free hand which I use to reach down and grab the gun out of my apron. Move plunger. Zgt-Zgt. Silencer. Thank G-D for the little things. HE’S DEAD NOW! AHA. Take that. Bad date = 0. Mina = 3.

MINA? “YES MOM! I’m listening,” as I clearly wasn’t and she caught on. We have the same conversation a hundred times so I’m just right at the part where… “Of course Mom, I know how hard it is to find a good man. Especially…” Mina don’t you even care? “Did Alexis even tell you anything? Please Mom, no lecture tonight. I have my hands full and an early flight to Toronto in the morning.” I’m sorry honey. You do not need to be reminded. I desperately need to do something with this naked bleeding mess of man in my bathroom right now.

Mina, Toronto. Why? She’s already latched onto the next motherly topic, my work. Which before I can answer… The Steinham hit?! “OF COURSE, I took the Steinham gig.” Really? What do think your father will have to say about this? “Mother! Don’t put Dad on the phone.” I do not have time for this tonight. I’m losing patience. You would think at 28 years old I can choose my own targets and assignments despite the obvious intrusion into my personal life.

Hey button, love you! “Hi Daddy, love you too!” You’re still my little button? “I’m still your little button.”What is this I hear about you taking jobs outside of the family? “DADDY! No! It’s just an independent contract.” Government, button? “Again no, he’s not an official. I promise you I would never. This is the private sector.” Your Uncle Teddy’s got that job lined up still if you’re interested. “Of course, I know about Uncle Ted’s offer. He called last week. I said I’d think about it.” Button, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. Paris is quite a beautiful place during the winter. “Uh-huh. Paris is lovely in the winter, but it would also mean Christmas without you guys.” Button it’s a fresh start. “I know Daddy. I really could use the change of scenery. I’ll think about it.” Thank you button, I know you have a level head about these things and will make the right choice. “Of course, Daddy.” Besides this one wasn’t good enough for my girl, was he? “Oh yes, Daddy… This one completely deserved it. I swear.” See you this weekend? “Ya, I’ll be by for dinner on Sunday,” Sounds great. “Thank you Daddy. Love you. Big Kisses.” Bye-bye honey. Love you too!

Back to the task at hand. Pour, pour, pour. WOW! What have I done? Maybe long distance wouldn’t have been such a bad thing. Him in DC, me in Paris. Sigh. What’s done is done. The chemicals have began to eat away at his face and once I return from the trip tomorrow night there’s not going to be much left of his torso anymore. I need to get over this already and prepare for my early flight. I’m tired. Paris is starting to sound divine this winter. Phone. Now what? Potential 4. Lovely, just lovely?

This one was inspired by a whole bunch of girlfriends who, even now, I'M NOT NAMING NAMES. It was a lot of fun to create. Hands down! One of my favorites to this day. The idea of 'what to do with a bad date' came up in my mind and this is the result. The idea of killing your bad date seemed all too insane and I went 'head over heels' into it. You would be doing a public service by sparing some poor other girl the trouble of having to bother with this guy. Of course the character is extreme, that's the point of it. She's out of control. Anyhow, there's definitely some new things, at least two for this week. For now... Enjoy! kisses. m.

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