Tuesday, October 6, 2009




Ever put a gun to your head and think ‘I’m gonna pull the trigger’?
Ever want to punch someone in the face without due cause or provocation?
Ever close your eyes when you’re driving hoping that you might just imagine the straight line of the road?

Questions, questions, questions. Answers every time you get up leave the house and start the day. Solutions come when you simply LIVE your life. There are questions to everything. Each motive has a premeditated thought behind it. Action & Reaction duet and dine with one another. The things that we so often ponder can become insatiable fixations. To wonder isn’t enough? Such thoughts are small things most people never act on. Instincts that we do not follow or rather that we should not. Perhaps it could be just one thought that leads to a breaking point.

What have I done? In deeper than I really should be this time. Yet here I stand armed with an axe looking over this tyrant’s body, well what’s left of it anyhow. The torso is still intact, despite my best efforts at removing limbs and severing him at the waist. There’s a lot of blood and distinct chunks of flesh tossed about, but eh, a little AJAX and laundry detergent should assist with cleaning up. Perhaps some bleach? Well, at least I feel better, oh besides that crook in my neck. Sometimes it’s just better to think about the angry things rather than act upon them. To be perfectly honest that sort of thinking never did any bit of good. Now did it? Live and let live. Bullshit. This asshole got what he deserved and then some. To be honest if there was anything worse then death it should have been handed down to him sooner. I’m just so tired of people justifying the nasty little things to pacify situations.

Every time I just wanted to do something as a child, my mother advised me to count to ten before acting and then see if it was still something I needed to do. I’ll be honest I didn’t count to ten before I picked up the axe and started swinging. Same as always we had our routine in the evenings. I’d arrive home early and start dinner. He’d show up a few hours later and sit in the study, in his favorite easy chair reading the newspaper while waiting for dinner. Occasionally the damn brute would throw some comments my way to spark up a conversation. What he considered to be proper discussion anyhow. I hated these discussions as my opinion was never valid. Any possible viewpoint I might have was second guessed and overruled. I’m surprised he didn’t march into the kitchen and take over cooking as that was an entire disappointment too. My cooking was never good enough as was the housekeeping among a thousand other things. Living under the rule of that totalitarian asshole was unbearable and I’d reached my limit.

Wipe the blood from my brow. Ruined a manicure yet again and I’m not even done by half. This mess won’t just clean itself. The body won’t cut itself into pieces and get disposed of. Damn. I’m berating myself now. I hate him. Evil Man. Should I even feel bad? I don’t and… I do feel quite awful about letting things get so far out of hand to the point where he needed to go. Swing and make contact with his head. Wonderful I’ve cracked his head open! This moment is completely invigorating and I’m savoring every ounce of this as I continue to hack him into pieces. Little bite sized flesh colored pieces that will fit nicely into flower beds and mulch up finely in planting soil.

Today was my final breaking point and I knew it. He’d really pushed me too far. If I had to guess he’d been looking for a reason to shove. I’m not a kicking post, so I’d been waiting for it. Since it was common for him to be in a bad way, every day, I had taken the liberty of laying down plastic over the floor and furniture in the back bedroom facing the rear of the property. Propped the axe at the side of the fireplace and cleared a path. I even went so far as to break a window during the early afternoon so I’d have an excuse to drag him back. On the off chance he was pleasant; I may have changed my mind. Typical asshole brutish form: “So sorry the day wasn’t pleasant dear, please shut the fuck up.” Really? I had just greeted him and took his hat and coat. Yet it was enough. My temper soared on the inside, and my cool exterior remained on the surface.

Ever want to destroy someone so thoroughly that your entire will to live is an insatiable quest for annihilation?
Ever stop to think there’s no way out of a situation - that you are truly in a no-win cause?

Premeditated is a sticky thing. But you can’t go your whole life wondering. Just do it. It works for selling sneakers why not everything else? Millions and millions of rubber soles and merchandise branded for the mass consumer to devour. I’m the last person to be indulging the ‘Ever’ notions that run loose in my mind or following such whimsical imaginings. The ends justify the means. As I can only rationalize and survive for so long on my ‘Ever’ thoughts to get through each day.

“Dear, the neighborhood children must have hit a baseball through the back window,” delicately I insist as he undoes his tie heads to the study, “can you please take a look at it?” I hear garbled obscenities as he makes his way down the dark hall. Slowly, I reach the fireplace, grab my weapon of death and follow. Door opens and light spills down the hall. Before he comprehends the mess and turns to speak… Crack! From behind I’ve got the side of the head. He’s going down quick and taking me with him. The blade is caught and he’s struggling. Kicking at him to free myself I stumble. Gather the strength and manage to leverage myself, I pull back and swing the deadly weapon again as he falls face first into the plastic and rolls. AGAIN and AGAIN! Until the rage in me in slowly subsides and there’s no struggle in this mangled bloody corpse.

The layers and layers of plastic gather in an octagonal shape. Towards the middle the blood pools with small pieces of flesh floating alongside the larger remains of his upper torso. There’s not much more work left to do. All I can do is envision my existence without this bastard lording over me. To know there will be a time when I am at peace and can see the world clearly without any type of bitterness. Free.

15 and a dream. That's the inspiration. This one came from 15 and a dream. I had 15 minutes free a few days back a pretty interesting dream. Voila!

Anyhow... Got some rather bad news yesterday and my mood is a little bit blue. I'm far from ready to share, but it will be ok. It's that change I knew would come no matter what and I'm trying to look optimistically at the situation. Despite that I could never take a day off. So here's another story. Oh well to the rest of it. Enjoy! kisses. m.

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