Internal

Love is internal. It’s not external. Love exists within. It does keep you warm, metaphorically. It’s not found in the eyes, ears or mouth. Once love is within you, it’s always there. Losses, breakups and hurt feelings can not remove love from you. Others can help you amplify the love within. You can use your eyes, ears, mouth or body to express love for others. But love is eternally found inside of you and you share it with others. 

Love in Buddhism is compassion. My own heartaches always lead me to deepen into my intention to be a more loving human. While I'm healing and integrating the feelings of loss back within I try to focus on sending loving-kindness to others. Sure everyone wants love but much like happiness, it's already within you to be happy and its the same for love.

I'll give you the buddhist answer for once: Love. Just love yourself more. It will all fall into place. When you have love for yourself, you will have love for others. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for not being emotionally ready to share that love. It's okay to keep it to yourself. Personally, I find focusing on myself helps me serve others best. 

If you don't know how to tap into the love within my suggestion is practicing Metta(s) for others. A Metta is a type of meditation. In this meditation you learn to love yourself through connecting and experiencing a sense of unselfish love toward another. Think of someone or something that easily inspires feelings of love, compassion and warmth. It is the best if you can use yourself as the object for compassion. If it's easier you can use a friend, family member, a child or an animal as a benefactor. Once you find your object, you focus on your feelings for them and let the love grow and expand naturally. You can think 'may you be happy' or 'may you be safe' or "may you be well' and if your metta is focused inward then say "may I be happy" and so on. 

Finding love within opens the possibility for true love or compassion.

Here’s a lil ol story about love, the wanting of love and being a little unsure of love. Just remember, everyone deserves to feel love. 

Do you love yourself?  

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

hit.

What is it honey? Tell me about it then. Love. What about? It hits you that’s for sure. Knocks the wind out of you if you’re not careful.

Let me tell you… Falling is the easy part. The jumping is the tricky part. Most people won’t get close enough to the edge before backing out. How does it happen?

Well you meet someone and you find yourself getting to know each other. All too well. That’s always fun. Soon enough you can‘t stand to be apart and you start telling yourself: It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. And somehow you know you’re in too deep.

At that moment of depth you know you’ve been seduced by their charm.  The feeling you get when they’re around is overwhelming happy. There is no one else you’d rather be with. You still wonder if it was supposed to be different. Wasn’t it?

Your defenses are down. You are completely caught off guard. But that is love. And then there’s no other way it could have been. It happened when you weren’t looking. A wall you can’t get around, over, or crawl under.

Before too long comes the realization: I’m hit. This person’s love has wounded me. I’m not the same as I was.

No way it’s all a big accident and fooling is no longer an option. When you look in the mirror you know by your own reflection that it’s growing inside. Love. An emotion that can not be caged is bigger, louder and completely taking you by surprise. Standing face to face with the inevitable and its more than you care to think about.  You’re consumed with the hope that they are feeling the same.

Opposites

The opposite of fear is love. People often get it confused. People who’ve been hurt by those they’ve loved don’t fear love or being loved again, they fear the abuse or being abused again. It takes time to heal from a bad situation. A few months back I personally walked away from an abusive situation. I’ll admit I’m still a little gunshy even though my practice of meditation and Buddhist practice helps me keep my heart open & vulnerable. I know I’m not ready to be rushing into anything but my heart is open to the unknown if it goes slow while I’m healing. If you left an abusive situation and aren’t ready or open yet don’t feel bad it takes time to heal. Never apologize for giving yourself time to heal. When you’re ready to be in love... you will. 

Here’s an old one that’s a lot of darkness. I don’t entertain the darkness as often as I used to or explain my words or characters. But I’m working on writing darkness again so it’ll be interesting to go forward with these changes within myself.

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Between my legs

12-9-09

Between my legs. Lies a hope for the future. Safety. Love. My insecurity? The reason he strayed is between her legs. The reason I stay is between mine. Infidelities he shouldn't have. We're both crying. Both aching. Knowing it’s too damn hard to watch him leave each time. Welcoming him back into my arms despite these flaws. Into the warmth, the depths where he’d linger too long. Falling and fading quickly, taking me down with him. Consumed by desire. A dark desire that is delicately hidden but ever so welcoming. Watching him savor the taste like drinking a hearty pinot noir as the flavor deepens into a meaningful experience. An exceptional wine, meant to be slowly enjoyed down to every drop.

Disappointment. My weakness. Inadequacies as a female. The one thing that sells you short as a woman is there between your legs. Never being taken seriously. As a woman it will keep you weak if you choose. Deprive you of love if you let it. Or allow the true nature within to become empowered by it. Controlled. Demanding. Eve in the Garden of Eden with that convincing apple. Damned is the man that believes he is manipulating a woman. A woman is a cool calculating creature never to be trusted or taken lightly despite what lies between her legs.

Waiting for him to return one more time. Deep down knowing that the game never changes, yet I’ve been foolish enough to continue this way. Sitting carefully, naked in the cold dark kitchen at the small table I trace my fingers carefully along the Formica surface. My bare skin is alive with the anticipation of his return. Element of surprise. It is my very intention to seduce and distract. The pressure of cool metal steel is nestled against the inside of my thigh as I wait. Looking down I can see the invention of death between my legs. Just as I continue to think he hasn’t returned soon enough the front door moves. Quickly my hand reaches in pushing aside the revolver where his eyes can not see. Nothing but my smile and open invitation.

Carefully the dark room masks his face as he moves closer to me. Only his eyes are visible as he makes his way forward. From the looks of it, he’s quite pleased to find me unclothed and honest. Standing over me his hands reach down into my hair and along my neck. An extraordinarily hard kiss as he makes an effort to lean in. The roughness of the moment is intoxicating as his grabbing hands continue to trail along my bare skin. Hands around my hips and in the small of my back as lips move downward, tracing their way from neck to breasts, then further. My ambitious efforts have me fumbling through his clothing, unclasping and removing, as he advances. As he reaches my navel I continue to reassure him by gently stroking his hair; beautiful hair, dark, thick and lush. Head movements find a balance as he nears my thighs. Tug at the back of his head to make eye contact. Lifting eyes meet mine in a piercing stare. Shh! He calms me with a smile before reaching between my legs.

Slowly I part my legs further and give way. Sliding the gun out from its hidden place, ever so silently, with a scoot of my thigh. Removing the cold steel instrument of death as he bends forward to kiss the inside of my thigh. Lips continue to softly caress my inner thigh as his hands come around to circle my hips and pull forward. Silently I find a place beneath his temple. Bare. Visible to my aim. Rocking my hips forward to meet his increasing movements, with my target in sight, I squeeze the trigger tenderly releasing death. Between my legs.

K.I.S.S.

Keep it simple sweetie. You don’t have to mistreat others in order to treat yourself better. Loving yourself has no room for hating anything or anyone else. When you love yourself that extends out to others without a thought. You treat others as you wish to be treated. You apologize when you are wrong. You reach out and give without expectation back from others. Your love is what fills you so you give what’s left to all others. 

I don’t know if it’s a Buddhist lesson so much but it works for me... try to embrace that others are different and have different interests. Maybe instead of punishing or bullying others for not liking the things you do try to understand them. Honestly Dolls and Kens, you’ll get much more out of living when you accept others as they are and take an interest in them. Maybe they do like what you do, but differently?

I’m reminded of something I’ve been working on & cannot share right now. You see I took time over the last two and half years to work on the darkest character I’ve created to date and finish the novel. She’s a bit self centered & unhappy so it’s overwhelming at times. I didn’t interact well with others often when in her head so it’s been fun to see it wrapping up. Anyhoo, here’s a little something new that doesn’t know what to be, doesn’t fit in and has no home among the others but it’s new and trying to be more.

Truly love yourself and you will find love for others.

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Please

Please don’t write me a song.

Please don’t sing for me.

Please don’t make promises you can’t keep.

Please don’t say you love me.

Please don’t say you’ll care.

Please don’t make me wait for you, when you won’t be there.

Please be different.

Please be kind.

Please be honest and speak your mind.

Please give your opinions.

Please give your time.

Please give your heart when you ask for mine.

Please don’t lie to me.

Please don’t manipulate truth.

Please don’t tell me things that really happened aren’t real.

Please have an open heart.

Please have compassion in your soul.

Please be a better man, than those you’ve met before.

Please don’t make me jealous.

Please don’t play with my head.

Please don’t be cruel and make me watch the others you take to bed.

Please be warm.

Please be affectionate.

Please be aware of when to be dominant and when to be weak.

Please don’t hit me.

Please don’t harm others.

Please don’t think there’s strength or power in violence.

Please love yourself.

Please have love for others. 

Please let love guide you when have lost yourself along the way.

Please. Love.

Black Desert House by Oller & Pejic Architecture

Barbie loves when people press forward through their challenges and keep going. In life sometimes you can’t succeed once, but rather you succeed eventually through hard work and perseverance. Barbie’s favorite place to see dedication to completion is architecture. Here’s a home that wouldn’t have been made without perseverance...

Black Desert House by Oller & Pejic
Architecture

The Black Desert House is located on a site, in the Yucca Valley where several previous architects had attempted to build a home without success. The a site was covered in marks & scars from previous attempts of development. The clients wanted a “house like a shadow”, so the home became the shadow of the rock that had been scraped away on the land.

The end result is a home that defers to the landscape and stands alone. There are large windows that open the house to the exterior, and showcase the exceptional views. The interior living spaces are arranged around the inner courtyard to create an entry and provide a protected exterior.

Would you love to persevere in this dreamhouse?
Barbie would!
Enjoy!
Kisses, m.

Doug Aitken's Mirage House

Life’s grand or nothing impressive. It’s all in the eye of the beholder. Barbie often suggests to her favorite Ken that not everything he thinks or sees is what is actually happening but rather it’s the mirror of himself he perceives... she prefer he focus on the more positive outcomes of life and find gratitude in the challenges but it’s not her life or her business so... she enjoys looking at the mirrors in architecture. 

Doug Aitken's Mirage House 

As part of the exhibit, Desert X, artist Doug Aitken created Mirage: a mirror-covered ranch-style house inspired by Frank Lloyd Wright and the American West. The home is situated at the junction of the San Jacinto Mountains and the Coachella Valley. The home, Mirage acts as a kaleidoscope that reflects and distorts the beauty of the landscape that surrounds it.

Would you love to look in this mirror house?

Barbie would!

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.