Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Nicotine and Complacency


I believe in Nicotine but I don’t smoke. There’s a chance you don’t believe me when I tell you that I don’t smoke. Well, I really don’t for the most part. But I always enjoy a cigar. It pairs well with a nice wine when seducing the right man. Ha. It's been a bit. Needless to say, seduction is not throwing oneself at a man. 


Anywho... Lately I find myself amid thoughts of contentment and comfort. 


The last few weeks of stepping back from things and people has brought me to an awakening. I’ve been complacent, consumed by my own wants/desires and surrounded by a comfortable life. Yes, I deserve to be happy and comfortable. Everyone does. But at what cost? 


Look it’s never been my place to judge others. Ive messed up things in my life at an age when I should've known better too. Some people tell me it was my own subconscious trying to break free of things I didn’t truly want. Maybe it was?  I think everyone has a “tyler durden” in the back of their mind waiting to mess things up. Understand when I say what comes next I believe it. You do need to lose everything to start over otherwise you will become complacent where you are. 


That person or thing you are in love with, idolize and worship isn't really the thing you are in love with. It’s perception on a pedestal waiting to fall. Hell, if you’re a person like me then you are rocking the pedestal to shatter someone’s perception of you. It will eventually fail, collapse and that image will shatter anyway. Why? So they will truly appreciate the person you really are. I would prefer people are themselves instead of anything else. You can’t adore someone unless they disagree with you or stand their ground to get their own way. It shows their desire for self preservation. While the spider will eat the fly that intentionally crawls into its web, it will always look for a more challenging prey. One that resists.  


Personally, I know I’ve been complacent too long in order to deal with other things. I’ve allowed a few people to get away with things because I know their true nature regardless of the mask they wear. Understand, I wouldn’t deal with anyone if I didn’t know who or what I was really dealing with. I don’t have the misperception. They do. In Buddhism, the intention is not to be complacent and accept things as they are. It is to appreciate what is in the present, in order to make better choices and be responsible for our actions. The story of Siddartha demonstrates this idea of leaving behind our complacency to appreciate what is. 


If you don’t know, it goes a bit like this: Siddhartha was a prince. Lived in the most comfortable of palaces. He could want for nothing. His father the king wanted him to live a life without suffering so he banished all such things that could upset his son outside the city walls. Siddhartha upon the curiosity of his own humanity wanted for more. Upon seeing the suffering outside the city walls he desired to know more. Through this understanding he realized in order to gain more knowledge he would have to leave the life built upon complacency. He would have to change. 


Do you know what you are complacent about? Could you sacrifice it to live an authentic more rewarding life? Or will you stay with it out of desire for comfort? 


Here’s an old one about destroying what you love to break free…



Kisses, m

Burn it Down


Burn it Down. Open the matchbook. Pull out one. Strike. Light. Shake it out. Drop it to the floor. This is my second book of matches. A few I’ve let burn to the tip of my fingers. Mostly I’ve just wasted them. It’s one thing to say you’ll do something and really quite another to follow through and do it. Strike. Light. Wait. Deep breath. Drop another one. What am I doing? Honestly, this isn’t sanity. I’ve lost my temper again and being alone there’s no one here to stop me. So very often it’s pacified before I ever go off on a tangent. This time I’ve pretty much destroyed the house. There are no dishes left to break. The house is empty except for some pictures that I left up and a few broken lamps needed for minimal illumination. I’ve dragged what’s left of the furniture including the couch outside and I’m debating whether I should set it ablaze. Now there’s sanity for you.

Pull out the last match. Strike. Light. Toss into the pile of debris before me. Decision made. Satisfying.

The fire jumps up into the cool night sky. Dancing higher and higher as it breathes in oxygen. The path of destruction leads to a beautiful manifestation of accomplishment. The flames crawl up into the couch and down the arm of another chair in the pile. I can distinctly make out the medallion clock that was a gift in the flames. The hands of the dial are slowly liquefying and the springs uncoil breaking free. I can only imagine what remains of the Shaker style table as it went up in flames far too quickly for me to enjoy. The brilliant colors of this bonfire are amazing as it consumes this mountain of possessions. I’m mesmerized at the beauty of my creation. She’s uncontrollable and rapidly growing. The night sky is dazzling with the intense light of the fire. Vivid yellows with hints of orange and blue. Snaps as the wooden furniture bends and breaks; Music to my ears. The colors break free and thrust themselves toward the tree in the yard. Climbing up the trunk, seizing and taking hold of the branches and jumping even higher into the night sky...

Fire, fire, burning fire, taking hold and fulfilling my desire for total destruction.

My devastation couldn’t be more magnificent. I’d simply never dreamed that anything so terrifying could hold so much beauty. The blazing inferno has reached the house. I’m powerless to stop it. Actually I’m entranced by my uncontainable rage. It’s so relaxing. I’m calm. There’s no more anger left in me. Take a seat about 100 feet back in the only lawn chair left and watch it all come down.

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