Wednesday, August 19, 2015


The Enso is a zen symbol in buddhism. While it translates to many things it's meaning is unity. It represents absolute enlightenment, strength, elegance, the universe and mu. We are all interconnected in this life. All things we create or manifest affect each other and the world around us. Our world can be made positive or negative based upon how we interact with it. 

Circumstances change but life does not. It's a never-ending cycle that continues. Suffering is something we bring upon ourselves. Unlike karma, we do not deserve to suffer. It is needless. We all experience pain or unhappiness but they are not places to dwell in. Karma is something that we bring upon ourselves. Good or bad you get the energy you put out. And if you didn't deserve it you most definitely need to learn from the situation. 

I've spent some time upset in my life, who hasn't right?  In fact about a week ago I was a bit wounded. I confided in someone I really liked alot and thought was someone who was a friend. Well, he used my confession to hurt me. Did I cry? You know, all I will tell you is that I was hurt by his actions. 

Yes although I am a buddhist I get hurt. In fact, I cry, get angry and have my heart broken too. In addition to falling in love, having lustful or loving sex and drinking alcohol or eating meat, buddhists get upset too. The only solace I find from Buddhism is realizing that the core of my suffering is a choice and how to transform it quickly. It is through understanding that my present state is not permanent that I am able to control my emotional center. I'm not a vulcan, but I am more open to express myself because of my spirituality. As always the important thing is knowing why I am upset. 

As a buddhist and a human being, my perspective continues to change and I tend to let the hurtful actions of others go. It is the patience to accept that people are not infallible. And I realize it isn't about me when others act out. It is about them. People will let us down because they are selfish creatures motivated by their own desires. My judgement fails me quite a bit but I am human and I accept that life and love are uncertain.  

Things happen so we can move along toward the right things. Sometimes not getting what you want is good luck. So when the guy who broke your heart keeps trying to hurt you again, the new guy you meet and like turns out to use your words against you or the man you are completely infatuated with and adore has a girlfriend... perhaps it means there is someone else you hadn't considered yet or met. If the dream job you were hoping and counting on falls through when someone steals your clientele, try to keep faith that there's a better opportunity waiting. It may not seem like good fortune but the universe has other plans for you and I'm not simply justifying things to feel better. 

I truly try to put wonderful energy back into the universe to right the wrongs. I won't pretend to be anything I'm not so people will or won't like me. I'm not slighting anyone's pain or journey. I am on my own path and pay no mind to other's journey. If we are meant to be in another's path we will. There's no need to force it. Life continues to bring the right people and opportunities into my life and yours without us having to force them. And it will also draw the wrong things into our life as well for us to process and cope with and overcome so we can learn. It's the way of the universe. 

Be mindful of what you put into the universe. It will return to you when you least it expect it to. And remember it's ok to be upset or disappointed... just don't live in your suffering or try to make others suffer. Karma will always take care of  those who deliberately are cruel... It's hard to believe anyone would do it deliberately but the solace I have is that I don't have to behave badly back. I can have patience and love everyone anyway. Everyone is learning too. Love yourself dolls and kens and know that this doll has love and compassion for you no matter what. :)

Here's small piece about jealousy. I wrote it last year when a guy I know had a paramour who was a bit jealous of my interaction with him. At the time I came to realize it's wasn't his fault or mine and let it go.

Do you suffer? Do you try to cause others to suffer? Or get jealous? Hmm... It's never too late to do things differently with people even if they are new people or the same ones you already know.

Kisses, m. 



his lips curl into a smile
he says nothing
I’m calm

Alone and reflecting
The scent of his skin remains in my mind
When he’s away

a moment of closeness between us
races my heart
but I appear calm

look at the sky
look at the ground
hold the breath before I release the smoke

there’s nothing like his touch
words I can’t find the courage to say
I fake my calm

Inhale and exhale
Building my bravery
But he doesn’t notice

reclining back he takes a drag of a cig
I want to ask for one but don’t
Stay calm

I don’t know that I look
into anyone’s face
the way I look into his

Electric eyes they make my pulse speed
He smiles when I stare too long
Be calm.

Words he says drift away quiet
The stillness of his stare wanders
My forehead then my hair

he pushes away from my touch
he looks away at another's face
I behave calm.

There's only din in my mind
Fury in my hands
He dismisses me

Smile when he’s looking
Smoke a quick cig when I’m alone
Pretend to be calm

It’s not my age
I’m old enough yet.
A girl and yet a woman

He wants to be with her
Older, sophisticated 
I’m anything but calm

She’s everything to me
A version of life
I’ll never be

He smiles and waves at her
She looks happy to see him
Calm down

He leaves me to talk to her
Their words overlap
Few but enough

I want to rip out her brown hair
Her smile matches his face
Calmness evades me

She’s letting him go
I’m watching her stand alone
Smiles looked intimate

Her voice is quiet but she watches him
Never going over to press further

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