Thursday, January 22, 2015

Unstick, alright?

Do you feel stuck? Trouble is that I think we all get to that place. I've learned to typically just let the feeling be. One of my favorite things when I feel tied down is to go take a few photographs. It reminds me of my autonomy.

While shooting the other day I saw a hummingbird. It wasn't zipping about. Nope, it was simply chilling. Stuck? No way! It was flying slowly & enjoying the foggy day. 

The encounter fascinated me because I was always under the impression that hummingbirds are fast creatures hovering on a mission. But I've learned they actually slow their metabolism in winter and some stay in one place instead of migrating. 

Hummingbirds are one of my totems. Since I let the universe guide me I took this sign to show me I was exactly in the position I needed to be at that moment. Maybe I'm tied down? But at least I can move around happily. :p

Yeah yeah yeah, I can give you my answers on feeling less stuck but you must find your own cause I don't know. You see, someone helped me with this answer once, because I couldn't do it.

She encouraged me to change my perspective & told me “Damn it Monica, you are only stuck in this position if you want to be! Stop already! You put yourself here, and you will get yourself out of it but try to enjoy yourself until you can.” Yeah it's a mindfucker. According to her, anything will own a part of our mind & bind us, if we let it. 

How do I enjoy this fuckery? After 7 years of doing the right thing, I keep doing it... But I make the best of where I am, no matter where I am and enjoy myself. Mostly I don't dwell on the people & things that I can't change. I trust people not to interfere in what they want to pursue. 

It works for me. Find what works for you. I can't decide for you. I can heal me. You can decide for you. :)

Here's a story about being stuck in a spot you put yourself in and enjoying it!  

What do you do to get unstuck? 

Kisses, m.

It’s going to be alright.

It’s going to be alright. Better than alright.” He tells me.

“This is sick. You’re sick.”

“Who’s to say? Let’s play.”

I’m the only thing standing between him and searing pain.

My searing pain.

“You’ve caused enough trouble. Don’t you think?” he tells me before tying the ropes tighter. My tiny hands are now securely bound while he keeps dishing out the irrational scolding. At this point I can’t imagine what comes next. There’s no one to blame but myself. I’d been in this position before.

“I think when you come across trouble in this world its best to face it straight on. Running from it will do no bit of good.”

This is something I came to the realization early on in my marriage to Ellis. Ellis was a lot like me, he didn’t ask when he wanted something. He demanded it. Even now as he ties the ropes around the base of my ankles after attaching one end to the bed post I know this is his way of making me understand the true scope of my actions. The last piece of ropes come to an end as Ellis knots the final piece into place and pats my foot with a smile. He’s always made it clear to me that there would be no room for negotiation if I’d misbehaved.

“There’s no way you’ll be able to do anything like that.” Ellis tells me before exiting the bedroom.

“Stay there without a peep,” he says from down the hall. I can hear his footsteps making their way downstairs as he yells one more thing up from the bottom of the well. “I wouldn’t want to have to put a sock in your mouth. Keep quiet, Bess.”

Quiet. The first time I let Ellis use a pair of silk scarves. It wasn’t for very long and proved to be a little fun. He asked if I wanted to play a game. In that quiet tone that reminds me of a whisper he insisted that I play. It will be fun, he said. Slowly tying my hands with the thin veil of the fabric brushing against my arms. My skin tingled from the coolness of the touch. Making my skin jump alive. He told me to be quiet and wait. Wait. Then. Behave myself and enjoy. Oh I enjoyed it. In hindsight I think I opened the door that led me directly to where I find myself right now. Right now where I’d found myself face to face with the man as the look in his eyes snaps.

“This is what happens when you misbehave. I’m putting you in a place where you can’t be any more trouble. Because people don’t like this kind of thing.” He’s picked up the rant from the same place he’d left off as he adds a sold steel chain to the ropes before clamping a brace around my neck. “Bess what did you hope for? I honestly can’t believe that you don’t know what you’re doing? That’s… What is that? Well that’s the game.”

“Ellis. Let me go. This isn’t like the handcuffs. You can’t do it like this.”

“I can’t? But I can. Bess this is for your own good. You know how you like to… Shhh. Don’t talk. It’s too late to change my mind. ” He says exiting one more time and racing down the stairs before slamming the door.

It’s new but entirely the same and Ellis isn’t giving anything away. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think I can hear the voices in the other room. There’s another and another. And I wonder if someone is here. Watching as this slow act progresses. Carefully I lift my head up to see out the window where the edge of the street barely catches my eye. Even though I think I hear the door there’s nothing. “Ellis? Hello. Is there someone here?” Nothing. Down the hall my voice drifts toward a veritable ghost town.

Silence prevails in my untimely prison until there’s nothing left. When it’s seems like hours of torture, listening to the almost voices talking, feeling the heaviness of the metal coupled with the feathers in the bedding pressing firmly into my skin the air breaks. The sound is broken by the groan of the floorboards at the base of the stairwell. Something makes its prescience known as sound reaches the doorway.

“Are you ready for this?” He says re-entering with the slam of the door. Out comes the long length of leather with a crack. There’s a slight tinge of excitement in my skin that anticipates his next move.

“I don’t know. How much trouble have I been?”

I know that this time is different but I can’t help but wonder what will happen after he starts in towards me.

“Trouble for a bit of trouble.” He cracks the leather once more.

“Promise. Do you promise?" I ask wondering if I will be able to stop myself from enjoying this.

“It’s going to be alright. Better than alright.”


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