Monday, April 15, 2013


At the edge of the pool - 2011

A couple years back I wrote this... Let's keep it simple. Love is only Some Distant Memory if you want it to be. You can fall in love again and again. Have to let it happen and do what is best for you. I know what's best for moi and you know what's best for you. I'm sure people might disagree. That's their problem and they need to get over it. You can not block out a memory or rather you shouldn't. Best to simply experience it. Sometimes memories hurt, sometimes, they don't and sometimes there's an in-between. The memory is always worth the risk, the pain and pleasure of experience. If it isn't then perhaps you aren't ready for life, love and most everything else. Get ready for it. It won't wait for you to be ready. Life never does. Anyhoo, this is a story I did happen to include in my ebook Some Distant Memory. You can buy it here... Enjoy! Kisses, m.

Some Distant Memory
(July 19th, 2010)

I don’t know if we could get lost in a city this size if we wanted to.
And I don’t know if I could survive without seeing you?
And every time I see your face I feel out of place.

I’m out on the street. This address isn’t familiar. It’s new. She’s running late. How do I know? He’s waiting outside. Picking her up. Talking on the phone. The new me. The replacement.

I know it’s him by his watch. I passed them in the lobby of the W three weeks ago and there it was shiny, gold, Rolex, the kind of gaudy that isn’t anything like me. It was an unusual encounter to say the least. Walking by slow with my head turned by the sound of noise. She saw me first and grabbed his hand tighter. The left, with the watch. Tighter. Smile for my benefit. Wave of her blonde hair as she leans in a little closer for a kiss. A flash of gold touches her cheek and they hold for the moment as I keep walking. He didn’t know about me and she won’t tell him. And I can’t forget it. Gold. There it stands three feet below the stoop waiting for her to leave the building.

I didn’t want to ever do this. But that day it wasn’t enough. I had to see her again. It’s been too long for me to miss her and it’s not long enough. Damn this. She’s running down the steps. She’s wearing a black dress beneath her coat. Her favorite dress, with the slit up to her mid thigh that accents the muscles in her leg when she wears the right shoes. She’s wearing the right shoes and kissing him. Apologizing and taking his arm in hers before they start walking.

After thirteen blocks we are in a familiar place again. The city seems to be alive all around. I can’t move quickly enough. Knocking into people. Shoving forward through the crowd. Trying to reach her. I just need to see her face. I can’t catch up. There’s so much alive and I’m walking through it. Towards something that is no more. The light turns red. We are separated by the traffic. I should give up. I can’t.

They enter Allegra’s. It’s a bar we used to go to. Used. To. When we had the same friends. They’re all still friends with us and each other except its different. There’s a dividing factor, an imaginary line in the room that is drawn. Makes same very different. Creates an uncomfortably large pink elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about.

They take a booth and I shuffle over to the bar and wave down a bartender. As she sits he takes her coat. That was my gift. She laughed when I gave it to her. Tonight she still has the same laugh. But it’s laughing at his jokes now. His funny faces. Now I’m getting a double shot of unfamiliar poison and a Kentucky Jack straight.

Through the passing bodies and open laughs I can see the world that I once occupied.

It’s so easy why are you leaving?
It’s just because I’ve grown afraid of you.
I wish we were at the beginning
It would be so good to be with you.

It’s been a half hour and a drink later. The rest of their party arrives and they all mingle. These aren’t my friends. I’m sipping my second Jack and watching from my stool. Her long hair is slightly tucked behind one ear. She has three hoop earrings in each ear. They get up and start talking. It’s killing me but I can’t help watch. Crunching my ice loudly, I turn to get a better view. Maybe part of me wants to be seen. Maybe expecting a reaction? Or nothing at all. She looks at me and turns back to the group. I can’t tell if there is recognition in those blue eyes. She reaches over and touches his hand. He leans in and whispers. She kisses his neck and whispers something back before tucking more hair behind her ear. She knows it’s me.

They start to leave and she turns my way once again. Between the crowded I can see them heading toward the backroom. Why leave? She knows I’m not going to talk to her. I’m afraid of what she might do. The kiss at the W hurt me more than any real wound she could have inflicted. It doesn’t have to be this way. We could be strangers in a bar making eye contact and moving back to our own worlds. It’s dark enough. He doesn’t need to know. This could have been so much better between us. Perhaps we could start over. Begin again instead of losing each other in the sea of nothing that occupies the spaces between. That beautiful hair whips around and those eyes send another ice jolt of blue through my heart before crossing the room. They’ve passed through the threshold.

I look at the man next to me and order another drink. The bartender laughs and hands me the bottle. I nod and tip him a twenty. It’s gonna cost a lot more than this before I’m done. I smile at the man next to me and raise the bottle. He nods and lifts his glass. We are going to be friends before the night is done.

See that girl…
She’s over there.
I don’t need her…
She don’t care.
I could be one in a million.
It would be so good to start again.

An hour and a half later I’m pouring the drinks and asking for more ice. The man next to me is my confidant. We’ve connected by the good handshake of Jack and stories of heartbreak. I almost forget she’s in the other room. Then there they come. Laughing and shaking. He’s spinning her around to the sounds of nothing familiar. There’s no recognizable music for my ears. I can’t get over the way her hair moves in the light. I need another drink but the bottle is empty. Nodding the bartender addresses my dilemma and pours another round.

They’re dancing and laughing. I can’t help but watch. Through my drunken rant I’ve given up. I’m telling my new friend about her. Pointing to the beautiful girl that doesn’t care about me anymore. Reminding my friend that she’s replaced me with him. Anybody with a gold watch. Proclaiming that I don’t need her anymore. These odds aren’t in my favor here. And I know it’s time to start over. But there’s still part of me that misses the beginning. It would be nice to be strangers again. Although there are things that couldn’t be understood without the past, it could be so good.

It’s so easy why are you leaving?
It’s just because I’ve grown afraid of you.
I wish we were at the beginning.
It would be so good to be with you.

They are putting on coats. Looking at the bar. Quickly shuffling their feet through the crowd. Moving back she leans into him. Turning toward me she pauses and faces him. Her hands flip down his shirt collar with care and I ignore another kiss. They are leaving. The other couple has already approached the bar and paid the tab. He spins her around one more time. I swallow the rest of my Jack in one gulp and slam down the glass. They already walked outside. I drop off Ben Franklin and pick up my coat before following.

Outside. Watching them embrace. Now he’s kissing her and trying to hail a cab. One arm wrapped around the small of her back while the other is waving. It’s a movie moment on the curb beneath the moonlight and I’m not in it. My stomach feels sick. I’m standing in the darkened shadows and trying to light a cigarette. That entire bottle of Jack wasn’t the best idea. I’m stumbling. Loudly coughing behind them while they wait for a cab. Turning. Now she sees me. The lines of her face change. She REALLY sees me. I’m exposed. The enemy revealed. The bad guy discovered. She pulls him closer to hurt me. Another kiss before a yellow cab hits the curb with a screech. He opens the door. She’s in and gone before I can react to the change. It’s too late. Done. But I’m chasing the cab anyway. Running and yelling. It’s getting away. I can’t see before it happens. Stumble. Street. Pavement meet face. How do you do?

I’m alone. Face down upon the blacktop in the dark. The sound of clacking grows louder as it approaches. I can only see two black shoes attached to a pair of stocking covered legs. Then turning and kneeling these legs rest before my tired face. A small soft voice whispers “take my hand.” I reach up and grab the hand. It belongs to a smiling girl with a short dress and a long coat. She’s looking more sympathetic with her grin than laughing as she helps me to my feet. I can’t walk straight. She asks if I want help. I say no and start off home. She walks with me anyway. Catching my arm when I stumble and talking to me about the stars. She’s a pretty girl with a pretty smile. I don’t know why she’s talking to me or helping me. But I’m not alone. I’m happy for the company and distracting information about stars.

We walk for fifteen blocks then reach my building. She asks if I need help upstairs. I smile and say no. I tell her thank you for the company and she tells me to call her before handing back my phone. I laugh and ask how long she had it. She says I left it in the bar. I get her number. She smiles and kisses my cheek before leaving. I’m still sick, but I remember how nice it feels to start again.

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