Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Your ex-lover is dead?

stars - your ex-lover is dead

Your ex-lover is dead? Mostly likely not. They are not like dogs and I'm inclined to believe that they don't all go to heaven. Now if you're like 99% of the human population then you have realized that your ex is still living, breathing and existing outside of your circle of life... if you're lucky. Sometimes it's not that simple and they linger. 

Needless to say Valentines Day is around the corner and I've finished my monthly column for the locally distributed ModestoView. Yes, I am not sorry to say that it's filled with great ways to bring more love into your life. Like most of my friends have done, a few of you just choked back a bit of vomit with your less than warm fuzzies about the love business. Which brings me back to where I am right now: Pondering what happens to our exes... Or rather what could happen to our ex-lovers, especially those that don't go away.

So you broke up. The Finite! The absolute end. Or is it? Sometimes people we don't want to EVER see again keep popping back into our life. Again and AGAIN! And yes when that happens you might even contemplate setting yourself on fire to get away. But you don't. No, you don't need to. Now I'm not suggesting you be "the bigger person" at all. In fact, I've come up with some ways that you can dispose of your ex without the wondering if you'll ever have to see them EVER AGAIN! So for the light hearted and happy-enders you might want to find the nearest exit away from the darkness I'm about to unleash for my favorite naysayers who are single this year for Valentines day. 

Without further ado I bestow all of you with a bit of darkness in my true Fabulous form and present 5 Ways To Get Rid Of Your Ex-Lover: 

1) Set them their material things on fire. There's only one way you're setting yourself on fire and that's after everything else is gone. The only sure fire way that he/she will never step foot in your home is if there isn't a reason to be there. No clothes, no things = No reason. Don't fool yourself into believing the obvious excuses. The whole "Where's my Cd's" cha cha cha no longer needs to happen after you've BBQ'd their Best of Disco Classics CD Collection and spare iPod. *disclaimer: Polyester and certain brands of shoes that shall remain nameless are resilient. Plan ahead and have a back-up dumpster in case of indestructible items.

2) Cut up them their pictures with a sharp knife. It's sad to say but everyone is a sentimental sack on the inside. Taking a large exacto knife [scissors work too!]  to their favorite family memories not only guarantees that you're a bonafide psycho it also guarantees you peace of mind that your ex-love will not be returning. If you're lucky they may even run away upon seeing your psychotic display of perversity.  Especially if you superglue Mom and Uncle Mort's heads onto the bodies of Porn Stars when completing your wall encompassing Porn Collage. 

3) Blackmail.No.  Stealing their mail. Federal laws prohibit this one too. However... Change your exes mailing address. Needless to say most couples share everything, including a mailing address. Breakups mean that someone has to relocate and in this case it's your ex. The ex may have already filled out one of those lil ol cards stating where they wanted their mail. And the problem here being, they keep coming over to your house looking for "mail" that isn't arriving there anymore. Sometimes it is best to take matters into your own hands. You have a few choices... A) You can forward all of their mail to a Prison. This makes things interesting when it is Returned to Sender. B) You can send it to a Mental Hospital for the Criminally Insane. This guarantees people will question your ex about their Mental Health. or C) Simply send all of the mail to his/her previous ex including a letter about the highly contagious genital warts that he/she may be infected with. Mail isn't as personal as family heirlooms or material possessions but it's not something that anyone wants their ex going through. 

4) Run them their toes over with a car. It's not a life threatening appendage. It will look more like an accident and poor driving skills than anything. It's guaranteed to send away anyone, including the Witnesses who trespass on your property and ruin your lawn while trying to save your soul. Run over their toes and those witnesses will never make it a mission to save your soul again. Now hopefully setting fire to your exes material possessions, destruction of family memories and fabricated genital warts should  have them running but on the off chance it doesn't, maiming them should definitely slow down their approach to your front door. 

5) Cock/Cunt block them. Call them while you are having sex with someone new. Let me say this one is for the brave and particularly strong-willed. Once you've crossed this line there is no going back unless: Your ex is a moron and a glutton for punishment! To hell with worrying about your ex getting some ass. Who cares? Remember you are NUMERO UNO. You deserve to get someone to fulfill your sexual needs above and beyond. It's best not to worry about the needs of the one that left you. It's their mistake for not realizing your amazing bedrooms skills. Now to remind them how much fun they are missing while making them feel uncomfortable accidentally let your freak flag fly with a little bit of speed dial action when you're intimately occupied with your new amor. The phone call will be quick, catch them off guard and incite a wee bit of irritation. Of course there is always the revenge video sex tape but that can only serve to haunt you on Youtube later. Consider yourself warned. *disclaimer: Let your new amor in on the gag before they become your next ex-lover.

I must say that in no way do I condone any such actions for the fallout of typical breakups but in the case of your undead ex-lover becoming a zombie mutant who needs to move onto another warm body and leave you alone... I'll let you make the call! Kisses to my favorite single naysayers, and for those with an ex that won't die... GOOD LUCK! 


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