Sunday, March 20, 2011



You have the loveliest green eyes.” is what he always used to tell me the same as he’s telling me now.
But it’s too late for all that.

My blood stained hands grip his face tightly. I need to make him understand why I did it and I’m not even sure I know what happened.

It happened in a flash. Faster than I could count to ten. My own actions moving faster than I could think. All I can remember is what he was doing before…

There he was. Three feet away from me standing under the grey oak talking with her and all I can remember is how hard it is to breathe. It’s not the first time, but I’m certain there shouldn’t be another time.

I can hear his heartbeat as clear as any sound. The feeling of his pulse beats in his veins beneath the touch of my fingers. As his hands struggle to touch mine his breath edges out three more syllables. “I love you.” And he pulls closer to say another four that contradict those same three. “But I hate you.”

There’s no rhyme or reason when it comes to love. A man will tell you he loves you and then take it away in the same breath of words. You can’t control that.

It wasn’t him I wanted to hurt. It’s her. The one whose fault it is. At least that’s the lie I keep telling myself. When she doesn’t matter at all.

Somewhere in my head the moment it all came down replays like a broken record that’s happened to somebody else. But it didn’t. It’s happened to me. And I’m the reason for it.

Three feet pass by like a wave of nothing. Hands move and fly toward my screaming voice that never stops when I’m looking at him. Between the screaming and waving hands that irrelevant person it’s not about disappears without leaving.

When it happens there’s no one between us. In goes the knife in the middle of our argument. The pain feels loud but there’s no more screaming after it goes in. Down he lays me as the knife slices deeper into my gut. As he holds my guilty hands, I still think of how hard it is to breathe.

I wanted to hurt him but I wounded myself instead. That’s the thing though, jealously will get you nowhere.

400. Green-eyed? Not at the moment. Just a brown-eyed girl. How about you… Are you a jealous person? It’s there in all of us, but do you let it overtake you? Some of us learn to control that urge. It can be controlled. Promise.

Needless to say, art imitates life. Sort of? I was talking with someone a couple weeks ago about the nature of jealously. Now, I’m going to spin this a little for both of their benefit as it’s not important who it is.

This young person, in this instance I’ll say young lady decided that things weren’t quite working out the way she’d wanted with a certain young man she’d been seeing. So what does she do? She decides to make him jealous by canoodling with another young man. Well, that’s not the part of the story I found myself listening to. No, not at all. The part I’m hearing is the aftermath and it is simply this: “Why didn’t he care that I’m with someone else?”

Well the answer is this: He may have cared. He most likely did care. But he didn’t seem to because you can’t control his reaction. And honestly, I doubt any person would want to give a reaction if that’s the behavior. Inciting jealously in someone to get them to pay more attention to you will not work. If you want someone’s attention, please tell them. There is no need to complicate things with control. You can not control people, but you can control yourself. So why punch, hit, slap or attack on any level when you can find a small way to show your attention? Be the change you want to see.

The truth is that we don’t always have the answer. Well the right answers within us initially. It’s not that we don’t want to. We do. It’s that as humans we are often guided by our desire to see things our way. That’s not always going to be so. There is a better way and sometimes it comes from somewhere else.

Anyhow… I’m not quite caught up on everything but enjoying it nonetheless. Also I’m amid an interesting revision between working in pairs. Enjoy. kisses. m.

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