Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Away. (#3)

Away. (#3)

Darling Mia,

It’s been a while since I’ve last sent word. There’s not much to do about that. They don’t seem to understand how worried it will make you if I don’t drop a few words. So I persist in my efforts until they can not resist. Can you deny a dying man’s last request? That’s what I told them before getting my way once more. And they always give it to me in the end.  Just takes a little finesse. And you know your old man has got a bit of charm tucked away for such occasions.

My darling, if you’re still waiting for me to come? You don’t have to. And I know you won’t listen to me. You rarely do. But there’s money on the way. And I won’t hold it against you if you decide to take the money and run. Mia, I’m an old man. You don’t need to waste your tears on me. You’re very sweet to have continued on this way but you mustn’t allow this to stop you from living. I know you never listen, but please don’t think I want to deprive you of anything. You should be enjoying life. Darling, things aren’t looking up right now. They tell me that I’m not returning home anytime soon. Time and time again they’ve informed me that there’s no chance for it. Especially since what is to come. Another bend in the road.

The big news is that I’m being deployed again. Just kidding, this rat’s moving cages once again. I hear that the new cage hasn’t got the same charm as the last but they tell me that the food improves. There’s a chance that the testing will become a bit more invasive. The last group of men ended up in the quarantine ward for observation after the first round. Two groups prior had a chemical rejection to the treatments. They give me their word that the hill continues to steepen. And there’s not much more to go by than their word. I know you’ll agree that words don’t carry much weight in the end but that’s all they’ll give me.

I’m sorry these little notes aren't much to go by. I’ve only got your last letter to keep me company. It carries the smell of your touch with it. It’s grows difficult to handle it as the scent diminishes with every touch of my hand.

I can’t stop thinking of what you said before it happened and it continues to weigh on me. I can not ask of you to put your life on hold. Move ahead without me. If there's a way I will find you and home will be wherever you are. But I can’t ask you to wait. I know what you’ll say and you say it every time. You won’t because you know I don’t want you to. And you’re right, so very right, I don’t want you to go without me. But you must. Despite what they tell me, even with this deep down belief that I’ll be on my way home again soon I can't ask it of you. Every time I think that it’s too much to endure, I too, realize that it’s far more unbearable without you. I suppose that’s why we both continue. I will love you always as you have loved me. Please realize our short time together was not in vain. 

I only wished to convey this message before heading out. I can’t imagine why you would waste your love on an old wretch like me, only that I’m the luckiest old wretch for all that love.  Keep on loving me the same way I will keep on loving you. Darling my life would have been unbearable without you, as I can not remember what life was like before you were in mine. 


Letters. Away. Three. A little different than before. Still letters nonetheless. Is love a mistake? Not if you would do it again. How do you perceive mistakes? Are they wastes of time? Are they all failures? Depends on how you see it. Nothing is a mistake if you would do it again. Everything is worth the mistake in the end. How will you know what works for you unless you take the time to make them now and again? Have to be brave enough to face the chance of failure. There is more truth in failing than anything else. Develop an instinct for what works best for you and let no one interfere in that vision. Anyhow… digressed. have a great night. enjoy! kisses. m. 

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