Saturday, August 21, 2010


There goes the Groom... (Here Comes The Bride)

Here comes the bride. Down the aisle. Dressed in yards and yards of white brilliance. All are standing with their full attention in the direction of the beauty making her way toward the altar. Her future. An ideal future filled with hope, promise and the unknown yet to come. The wedding party awaiting the final member to complete the centerpiece. Bridesmaids stand in a line. Pretty little teacup princesses in gossamer gowns. Opposing them are half a dozen groomsmen led off by the dashing groom. The picture perfect story book wedding about to become a real life fairy tale.

Every bride has her day; Carlotta was no exception to that rule. In fact, she was one of the few brides that had earned her title of Bridezilla. Stamping her feet over every little detail and leaving no person unscathed. In addition to three wedding planners, one of whom was fired, she micromanaged everything up to the end. “Mom! She’s ruining my day! How can you let her forget the Baby Blue Tea Lights for the reception tables? Those were my keepsake gifts,” and the tirade continues as her mother helps her into the car. White Armani-replicated overflowing excess is yanked inward by Bridezilla who is overreacting about her sister’s negligence. Little did she know that Baby Blue Tea Lanterns would be the least of her worries? In fact one could say the bad karma was what sent things unraveling.

An exquisite outdoor wedding set among the Emperor’s Rose Garden. Daylight colors hit a late afternoon grandeur as the ceremony begins. Relatives and friends look upon the beautiful couple about to take the wonderful journey of life together. A commitment of happiness to be cherished then photographed and recorded for posterity. And what would the world be like if the beautiful bride didn’t have an opinion about matters? “Damn it if I’m not getting the most I can out of this dress!” says the bride. “We’ll, use and reuse those photos and that footage! Copy and distribute those DVDs at birthdays and holidays! Who doesn’t love a wedding?” Some people really don’t enjoy them, as the guests will attest to that today.

Without skipping a beat the ceremony progresses on. The minister takes a moment to thank the lovely gathering of people for sharing the joy. Among those seated are the dearest loved ones to the uniting pair. Moms are tearing up and Dads are comforting with gentle hand pats. Aunts and Uncles respectfully nodding their heads as the minister leads a prayer. Row by row mostly familiar faces. Best friends. Cousins. College Roommates. Beautiful blonde woman sits six rows back loading a double barrel shotgun. Despite the most precise instructions the ushers neglected to keep the event an invitation only affair. Only the handpicked elite of friends and relatives were to be permitted entrance. Somehow the ushers decided that their post needed some refreshments and soon enough a keg was brought out to the guest entrance. Mistakenly two ex-boyfriends and a bitter sister-in-law managed to sneak through. But those were the least of Carlotta’s problems. She had barely acquainted herself with Beau’s family and was so smitten with idea of marriage that she hadn’t bothered to really check up on his past. A past that could sneak past the ushers without an invitation and remain seated until just the right moment.

There’s a part in the ceremony where the minister says, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.” That’s exactly the point where she came in. “Get yer hands off my man!” Standing up in her seat. Screaming at the heavens with her shotgun in both hands. Laura Price. Ex-beauty queen. Playboy Centerfold. Definitely one of the most beautiful women in the world. And Carlotta was about to marry her true love. That couldn’t happen. Hell or high water. It had to be stopped. Faces twist and bodies spin around as the gun releases its first round of deadly intent. Three bridesmaids down for the price of one. Groomsmen fearfully disperse with panic. Immediately the bulk of the crowd scatters with screams of distress. Carefully the blonde bombshell edges nearer to the altar. Every inch growing closer to her target. The Bride.

The ceremony is over. What’s left of the wedding party soon begins to charge the remaining guests, who in turn push against each other in a state of panic. Over topples the sixteen tiered diamond encrusted white chocolate wedding cake as the chaos erupts. Fighting ensues. Guests vs. Ushers vs. Bridesmaids vs. Groomsmen vs. Anyone left standing. As soon as the minister got his clock cleaned via the maid of honor the festivities were definitely headed south for good. Aside from the gun-toting maniac, it’s a free-for-all among the masses in the Emperor’s Rose Garden. All the while Laura is menacingly headed toward the altar with a one-track mind. Amidst the anarchy she continues to take aim, fire and reload. Somewhere along the lines Carlotta has armed herself with a candelabra while Beau seeks refuge behind the tiny pedestal. “This bitch thinks she can just come in here, ruin my wedding and get away with it. To hell with that! Let me at her!”

Sirens echo in the distance. Reinforcements. Beau reaches up to beg his soon-to-be bride to lay low until the police arrive. Bridezilla shakes him off with the kick of her heels and tears away the excess layers of her knockoff gown. Bare knees and bare feet she prepares for combat. Climbing down from the platform she makes her way toward the Centerfold Queen. Like two bulls charging each other in an arena these heavenly beasts seek to do battle. 5-4-3-2-1, Impact. Conflict commences. Metal Candelabra swings making contact. Gun fires. Point blank range should do quite a bit of damage. In fact the White Armani-replica should have a coffee-can sized hole in it. But that’s only if you hit the right target. In that instance the shot should have stopped the two from trying to rip each other apart. But it didn’t. Out of ammo the Playmate is now using the gun in hand-to-hand combat with the skill of a caveman. Each woman trading blows in a barbaric ritual of death.

Across the lawn the fallen are spread out like bleeding soldiers. Upon the platform among the capsized bouquets of white rose-lily hybrids lays the black and white colors of a sharply tailored tuxedo. Snaking through the monochromatic brilliance is a red river carrying life away from its host. The body is discovered as police begin rounding up the survivors and clearing out the grounds. “There’s a man down! Over here!” Closer examination reveals the insides and outsides of the man through an oversized hole.  “Have you ever seen anything like that?” An open cavity that leaves little to the imagination. “Do you suppose you could put a hand through it?” Hushes and whispers grow as the crowd thickens around good ol Beau. There goes the groom.

Oblivious to the downed groom, the violent Barbie dolls have beaten each other to a pulp. The bloody gladiator style beat down continues until there’s nothing left. Police separate the disfigured pair. The fight is over. The groom is dead. It’s apparent no woman is the winner. Bridezilla and the Centerfold are cuffed and carried away. The Bride Monster will face a good 6-8 years for the attempted murder of the Beauty Queen Centerfold. In turn, the gun-wielding Centerfold will spend the next 25 years to life behind bars for the murder of her so-called true love. It was supposed to be the perfect day. Perfect. Every detail planned down to the tee except for the curve in the road. How dreamy is that idea of a marriage without a groom? It was definitely a wedding for the story books. So much for the picture perfect wedding and happily ever after.

Love. In the end that's all there really is... isn't there. Today is grand. I am attending a wedding at some point today.  It will not be like this! This was from the few back in February that revolved around that fun little four letter word. That was a mouthful! But it all comes back to it in the end. You can lie to yourself and despise it, but you know you're miserable without it. Everyone is. Soon enough it finds you again. Be patient and don't worry about looking for it. And while not everyone may want to get married once we've gotten someone... in the end of it all we want is  somebody to love.  kisses for someone you love. kisses for anyone all alone. you are loved and never alone. promise. kisses for everyone. enjoy if you've never read it. m.

No comments:

Post a Comment