Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Show me forgiveness.

Show me forgiveness
for having lost faith in myself
and let my own interior up
to inferior forces
the shame is endless
but if soon start forgiveness
the girl might live

Show me forgiveness - bjork

Forgiveness. Within forgive yourself. I can forgive myself. It is part of healing. I broke my own rules. No negativity. And rightly so, I've cleaned up quite a bit. A year ago today I fell down a flight of stairs and got back up. Nothing broken. Worst headache of my life. Little did I know it was the precursor. The memory makes me recall my mindset at that time. Even then I was looking for MORE. When you are ready for your eyes to be open it will consume you and there will be so many distractions. Things distracting you from facing yourself. Face yourself! Forgive yourself. Heal thyself.

"When you are ready to stop fighting with yourself, you will," says my little sister, "it really is that simple." So very true. She tells me "saying it will not be enough, but you will know." I know. And I don't have to say it. My sister is the guiding voice when I don't want to do something, that person that says 'do it'. Life gives you very few teachers, but those it does will impact you forever. Thank you all! Life has come around full circle and this time I AM LOVING IT! Not like the last about face. That was a sadness for two wonderful people. I ask that their suffering is replaced by happiness daily. That they can heal and find peace from it.

Alone. That's the best place to be, rather to start from or even better return to. You can not save anyone else, without saving yourself first. And it's never too late to save yourself. The best journey is a personal one. That journey can follow you wherever you are, but it is necessary. We are all connected and starting within helps everyone else. Alone is such a loose term. Think broader. Not single. Not solitary. No one is ever alone. We are all connected and complete isolation is rare. Alone in your mind is a bit more accurate. Being alone is never a bad thing for me. I'm never afraid of it. Until I'm not in control of it. Solitude didn't become uncomfortable until it became my prison for a year. Being alone locked in a room isn't the issue. It's what you bring in with you. Those things that hinder and frighten you from seeing your true nature. Give in to your true nature.

What's changed? Before I start, no kudos, no pats on the back, no validation, no appreciation necessary. Ego is slowly getting into check and I've found my way back to some old roots. Eastern philosophy and thought. I was studying it a couple years back before my debacle as means to understand those around me. Honestly I was trying to put my arm back on the right way. There's a new arm there now. It's better than it was before. There is so much honesty where wasn't before. This time around it's about putting my heart back in. Ripping it out was never the answer. And I don't know what I was thinking delving into so much darkness without having a balance. The darkness isn't scary, its what I'm bringing in with me that wants to eat me alive.

Writing? I have a couple for this week. They will be surprises. Not saying what they will be. All this nonsense... Remember this was a means to an end once. Clearing my head. I'm back to an old trick for that now. Why I ever stopped completely puzzles me. Learn to fly while grounded. May you all have happiness and the cause of happiness.

kisses. m.

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