Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving.

Going outside, the world is all color after the white-on-white of the hospital. It’s going over the rainbow. I walk up to a supermarket, and shopping feels like a game I haven’t played since I was a little girl. Here are all my favorite name-brand products, all those colors, French’s Mustard, Rice A Roni, Top Ramen, everything is trying to catch your attention.

All that color. A whole shift in the beauty standard so that no one thing really stands out.

The total being less than the sum of its parts.

All that color in one place.

Except for that name-brand product rainbow, there’s nothing else to look at. When I look at people, all I can see is the back of everybody’s head. Even if I turn super fast, all I can catch is somebody’s ear turning away. And folks are talking to God.

“Oh, God,” they say. “Did you see that?”

And, “Was that a mask? Christ, it’s a bit early for Halloween.”

Everybody is very busy reading the labels on French’s Mustard and Rice A Roni.

So I take a Turkey.

I don’t know why. I don’t have any money, but I take a turkey. I dig the big frozen turkeys around, those big flesh-tone lumps of ice in the freezer bin. I dig around until I find the biggest turkey, and I heft it up baby style in its yellow plastic netting.

I haul myself up to the front of the store, right through the check stands, and nobody stops me. Nobody’s even looking. They’re all reading those tabloid newspapers as if there’s hidden gold there.

“Sejgfn di ofo utnbg,” I say. “Nei wucj iswisn sdnsud.”

Nobody looks.

“EVSF UYYB IUH,” I say in my best ventriloquist voice.

Nobody even talks. Maybe just the clerks talk. Do you have two pieces of ID? they’re asking people writing checks.

“Fgjrn iufnv si vuv,” I say. “Xidi cniwuw sis sacnc!”

Then it is, it’s right then a boy says, “Look!”

Everybody who’s not looking and not talking stops breathing.

The little boy says, “Look Mom, look over there! That monster’s stealing food!”

Everybody gets all shrunken up with embarrassment.

All their heads drop down into their shoulders the way they’d look on crutches. They’re reading tabloid headlines harder than ever.

Monster Girl Steals Festive Holiday Bird

And there I am, deep friend in my cotton crepe dress, a twenty-five pound turkey in my arms, the turkey sweating, my dress almost transparent. My nipples are rock hard against the yellow-netted ice in my arms. Me under my butter crème frosting hairdo. Nobody looking at me as if I’ve won anything.

A hand comes down and slaps the little boy, and the boy starts to wail.

The boy’s wailing the way you cry if you’ve done nothing wrong but you got punished anyway. The sun’s setting outside. Inside, everything’s dead except this little voice screaming over and over: Why did you hit me? I didn’t do anything. Why did you hit me? What did I do?

I took the turkey. I walked as fast as I could back to La Paloma Memorial Hospital. It was almost dark.

The whole time I’m hugging the turkey, telling myself: turkeys, Seagulls, Magpies.


Birds ate my face.

*Taken from Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk

Happy Thanksgiving, I know there’s people spreading a lot of thoughts of warmth & gratitude today and along with that, a ton of people who do not care. Despite the cliché and my present conditions, I’m quite appreciative to find myself in a unique position. And in this life I can not think of another time where this opportunity will present itself. This marks the first holiday season I get to spend with family without interruption in nearly 10 years. For this I’m find myself quite thankful as I know there are loved ones who can not and quite a few people out there who are completely alone today. With that said it wouldn’t be a holiday without a little bit of dysfunctional for celebrating the occasion. I’ve been thinking about this passage for over a week and today felt appropriate to share! Hope everyone has a great day regardless. And if you have to work this year, you have my deepest thoughts and warmest wishes to get you through the blackest day. Kisses. M.

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