Thursday, December 31, 2009

Success is not final, failure is not fatal.

There should have been another story before the end of the year. I had one more new story to end on a high note. It was not meant to be. At 11:44 PM last night my external drive decided to malfunction. Saving a file and it decided to wipe out all of the writing. I’ve been up half the night looking for answers as I know with technology it is still there. Well hopefully it is. I’m completely distraught. It wasn’t until this happened that I realized, truly I’m no good without the writing. I need it. And if nothing recovers? Will I go forward? Yes. I’m willing to lose ## pieces. I’m not saying how many. You may want to jump yourselves after hearing. Not everything was up on the blog. But needless to say I will keep going. Just a little part of me is dying right now as I copy and paste the remnants of my year from the blog. There are things in this life that make it all worth doing. Finding those things is almost as rewarding as doing them. I think the best parts of life are finding out what it’s inside of you; that potential to be greater than what you were. Discovering something more… well no one expects that.

As a sidebar *There will only be new to come... and what remains of my notes. Thankfully the thing I'd been playing with is only on paper. Broken glass. It's something interesting, still taking shape. The others will find a way up when I'm able to recover them.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. –Winston Churchill

Seemed appropriate I actually quote Churchill this year since I started the last one off by chastising someone for getting that Dickens quote wrong. I can think of no better quote at this moment in time to sum it up. It’s been another year and there have been some amazing moments. There have also been some rough patches but that is up to me to endure.

My family. My friends. Wow guys! Thank you so very much. You have been with me through so much NONSENSE for the last two years. It has been so incredibly hard. I can’t thank any one of you enough for pushing me. I know that I can continue to stay motivated, but it means so much more that YOU BELIEVE IN ME. There’s nothing that keeps me going more than that.

The small losses. Without these small casualties I would not be where I am today. As much pain as it brings me to accept them, it must be. Life and Death are very much a constant in this world. I wasn’t completely living until I held death in my hands and understood that fear. Changes you. It really does.

Writing. This year brought the development of writing and furthermore the stories. The writing – If you think you inspired it… and you weren't given credit... you most likely did not. It was always there, something I was fond of, but it would not have ever become what it is now without the inspiration. Thank You! I’m not going further as I do not wish to deliberately exclude or alienate anyone. I’m very appreciative to those who have supported and encouraged me to keep doing this. I’m scared to death and talk myself out and back into it everyday. I don’t know if it will ever make me money or be anything more. But I am attempting to get published. Found some places that take submissions.

The future? I was trying to keep it under wraps and I know I keep saying its coming. There is something grand. (Been trying to move the work to its own website. Shhh!) I’ve just been waiting to get it rolling. *And enough material for it to make sense.

The Travelling. Discovering the world outside of my own was truly something amazing. I wasn’t prepared for it either. I’ve travelled in the states and it’s been so-so. But to be honest, I almost didn’t return from the trip abroad. Best money I’ve ever wasted in my life! I wish I hadn’t returned. Ah, no regrets. Big thanks to my friend Nayo for letting me tag along. Next world wide trip will take me further. Besides, I have the ambition to spend sometime writing in Paris. I said I’d go back. I will. Already entertaining another suggestion… Spend a year living in Paris. It’s crazy. I can’t wait to do it!

Concerts. Not enough this year. I can actually say I missed out on more concerts this year than any other. Kill Hannah – NO. Kylie – NO. Gaga – NO. Brand New – NO. Watchout! – NO. Warped Tour – NO. BUT… I did get to see a few. The local shows… AMAZING guys! Elefant in LA! 24 hr whirlwind. Kick-ASS! SUCH A BLAST (even though I flew solo)! Met the band. Made some friends cause I’m a friendly girl. [Not a groupie! haha. I was just myself.] Got invited to a secret show. Thanks to my friend, Brett that put me up. Your generosity made things so much easier. My dear  friend, Tonya with your mission to see TRAIN as many times possible in one weekend. Thanks for the lost TRAIN weekend. The Bjork Drag Show in SF. Not a concert, but thanks! Next year will be better. MORE SHOWS!!!

Work. I don’t miss that place. Not bitter. Glad it’s over with. I miss the people, my musical family who shared the time there with me. Love all of you dearly and I hope you make your way in this world. You deserve better than that place. No looking back. And for the curious people out there. I’ll go back to work. When it’s time. I’ve been working since I was 16. As many jobs as I could at any time and going to school. I never stopped to think that I should try to find something to fit me better. A break from that type of work isn’t the worst thing. For the most part I’m looking for new work; odd work; anything to make a change. I know I should be worried about insurances and 401k’s etc. I’m not. Of course it’s frightening, but you can’t let that stop you sometimes.

The future. No resolutions. I don’t believe in those. Change should be part of everyday. Everyday should be something that you want to do differently. Nothing can be accomplished if you only want to change once a year. There’s some big stuff I want to do this year. Leaving is at the top of my list. The plan is to make a move. I’m done doing my time here for no reason. Standing still. I’ve been a good person. This isn’t selfish. Besides I’ve got an interesting idea for the writing and I think there’s something to it. Additionally there is school. Would like to finish. It’s time. Hopefully this year. If not, the following. I will finish. Look, there’s a huge list… but I’ll find a way to keep sharing as it comes. PROMISE!

So to my friends in the different corners of the world. Keep an eye out for me I may be stopping in on you sometime this year. It’s been a while we should catch up. My family who is always there, especially when I need them, this is never good bye. I’ll keep coming home. That will be wherever you are. No worries. Thanks for the year everyone!! 2009 will always be something to remember. 2010 is a new year, new decade, and reminds me that there’s a lot more to come than the past. Hope it is a great year for everyone else as well!!! I Can’t WAIT!! BIG KISSES! M.

No comments:

Post a Comment