Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Kill Me Soft, Kill Me Gently.

Kill Me Soft, Kill Me Gently.

“Kill me soft, kill me gently,” she speaks quietly into my ear, “stick a knife in afterwards and cut me into little pieces if you must, but I would prefer it if you used your hands. I want to feel your touch before the end. Before that final breath is over, I need to feel the heat of your skin.” She knows I can’t bear the thought of it, yet begs for death daily. The only promise I regret in this life. Killing her is a death sentence for me. I can’t bear life without her and nonetheless I promised. She has no fear about dying. Twisted Angel. Her impatient confidence frightens me. “I would die alone by my own hand, when the time comes,” she told me once. But she won’t need to. I can’t refuse. Premeditating death comes naturally to some. Perhaps the cold blooded killers find ease in such matters without a personal connection or lack of any invested emotions. The humane approach would be to end it quickly and spare any suffering. But my own selfish desire to have her life linger in my arms denies such rational thoughts and I agree to her whim.

Laying her down on the bed and gently wrapping my warm hands around her soft neck, I set about this awful crime. Standing over this fragile creature, my monstrous crime seems inexcusable. Resolute in my intention there is no going back. This moment had to be exact. Down to every arranged detail, the room is covered in dozens of white lilies and illuminated by masses of vanilla tea lanterns. We are surrounded by sheets and sheets of white satin blanketing the furniture. Beauty lies before me in a white gown trimmed with a diamond chain of silver twinkling in the room. As my hands are wrapped around her small neck the pressure begins to take hold. Skin against skin and flesh digging into flesh as this dance begins I lead the way. The face of beauty shines in the delicate candlelight. In the small corners of her eyes are the first drops of saline. Despite my urge to stop, I continue pressing inward gently. Eyes are the first indication that she’s losing. We are deadlocked in a stare and I can’t look away. A passionate gaze that speaks unparalleled trust; She has to know that I’m here until the end. Red blush of her cheeks slowly envelops her entire face as the beat of my own heart races. The strength in my mind is weakening and doubt falls to my hands. Faltering I loosen my grip. Her eyes are intent with fury as she grabs at my waist pulling me down against her small frame forcing my hands to refasten tighter. Small clicks in her throat resound as I press further. Our struggling movement drags down a vase of lilies that shatters breaking the stillness in the room. Angel continues to breathe through the struggle. Red lips are pursed slightly with the intention of refusing air. Minutes seem like an eternal moment dragging out, stretching our time together. In spite of my own selfishness, it was not my intention to watch her suffer through this slow agonizing death. I can not stop. She’ll never let me concede. Wrapping tighter, I edge my legs against the bed for leverage and prepare to end the struggle. She smiles and releases more air with those deep red lips. The tears are streaming from her eyes while the veins in her small face pull forward in strain. Pressure from my hands meets resistance from her windpipe, as I crush in deeper. Focus changes to the obstacle as I begin breaking tissue beneath the surface. Hands reaching the bones in the back of her neck as continue to tighten my grip. Finally the release of her hold is instantaneous as I feel the snapping below the flesh. Broken.

“Kill me soft, kill me gently.” Words like daggers that will haunt me as I hang by the neck until I’m dead. No warm hands to bring comfort. Dead. Without fear. Dead. Solitary final moments filled with anticipation, until I’m welcomed me into the death that awaits me.

One. Ever destroy something you absolutely love unintentionally? Not to change the subject, but that's where this came from. I broke something today while rearranging one of the bedrooms. It was quite an expensive accident at that. Somehow this seemed appropriate for the occasion. There is a positive side to things. I get to play 'Artist' and trying to create something from my accidental destruction. Will share when it's complete! Promise. I'm very excited. Hopefully this is appreciated. Enjoy. kisses. m.

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