Into

Into the great wide open... everyday is unknown. You choose to keep going despite the fact that nothing is certain. Fate is an interesting concept that I’ve thought a great deal about recently. In Buddhism it’s Destiny that directs the path that life takes us. It’s influenced by our previous karma. Regardless of what's been or meant to be... sometimes the only thing you can do is walk forward and face the open unknown. 

What you think about Destiny? How do you feel about the unknown?

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Open

(7-26-2011)

“Open… The door. ”

“Pardon?”

“The door’s opening. Just swinging real slow.”

“I see. It must be the wind. Would you like me to close it?”

“Nah. You ever hear about open doors?”

“Can’t say that I have.”

“It’s a shame. There’s so much an open door can tell you.”

“Really. Can you tell me a little?”

“I’ll do more than tell you a little. It’s not so much that there’s a lot to say but there’s more than a little.”

“Alright. I’ve never heard it said that way before but I know what you mean.”

“Alright, kid. Now an open door may seem like a coincidence or a man’s lazy tail needed to be yanked up but that don’t mean it’s not a good sign just the same. An open door is like an invitation to step on through. Embrace whatever rests beyond that threshold. Whether it’s daylight, nightlight or a bit of rain, the door being open means that you ought to take a chance and step through.”

“Wait. I don’t understand. I just got here and I want to sit down before I leave again.”

“Hush, child. That’s not what I’m saying. The door is telling you about an opportunity to take in. When the time is right, you’ll know it. It will call you tell you that it’s been too long.”

“I don’t know. Why did it swing so slow?”

“Ah child, the uncertainty is your fear and the swing… The swing of the door is calling you to arms. Some folks tell me that slow is sneaking in unexpected. While a rush of a door is sending you the sign that the unknown is prompting you to act. It should feel like an impulse in your skin to be sure. So child…”

“It’s wide open.”

1953

Roman Holiday is one of my favorites... it’s about a princess secretly escaping her life & playing hooky because she’s so frustrated by the tight constrains of her daily schedule. Sometimes you need a break to stop and smell the flowers. Other times you need to work harder to keep afloat ... everything requires balance. Now and again that balance feels wobbly... 

Do you ever escape the monotony of your routine? If you don’t, you should. I would if I could. ;)

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Together

(10-21-2010)

 “Can we?”  He says.

“It’s been one of those days at the end of a very long week. Can we have a daydream together?” He insists with a smile and leans his head a little to the left and touches the back of my neck with his warm hand.  

A long week that never ends. Work. And nothing but that. When it seems there’s no chance for escape, then you find it. Resting in front your thoughts and granting your soul peace. The golden light of day shining vividly across the bright waters of paradise. Miles and miles of coastline. White sands and the sounds of surf crashing along the line of coast. Birds call and dive in and out of the cool bright waters.

 “Oh I don’t know it’s been a very long day.” I tell him in a small jest. “And it’s the end of the week.” He lowers his face to look me in the eye as his smile widens with my unconvincing response.

“Please. You know you want to.” He insists. “If I want to, then you know you want to.” He looks at me and presses his lips together with a smile. I can’t remember ever saying no to him when he does this. So I don’t.

“Yes of course I do. I miss it a lot lately.” I smile and blush as he grabs at my hands that try to stay busy.

The warm sunlight touches my bare skin. I ask him if maybe we can stay longer this time. I tell him I like it here. This is my favorite one. He agrees and suggests we keep looking for find a place to enjoy it. With this he keeps walking and I follow with my hand tucked around his waist.

“Oh, how I do miss it.” I stop to look at him and nod.

“See. What better reason for it.” He tells me and pulls me closer toward him again.

“Alright, let’s have a moment in the clouds.” I’m curious and the thought of a temporary escape from the day to day banal sounds divine.

He tells me to look at the water. So I ask him what is there. He points out all the birds diving and catching fish as they rise. I can feel the breeze sweep across my skin and the goose-bumps that run up and down his arm.

He is full of animation and laughter with my agreement. I can see the wheels in his head turning already with anticipation as his arm holds mine tighter and pulls me inward further. As I lean against his chest I can see that unmistakable look in his eyes. It’s the one of pure wild imagination. He’s probably thought of how we’ll get there. Wherever there will be. It’s half the fun of not knowing where we’ll end up before this begins. So he gets ready. Setting the scene. Placing the idea of spontaneity in the front of his mind and preparing to run with it.

The air has the distinct smell of the ocean in it as the wind continues to carry through my hair. In the sand his feet lift and fall in a less than routine pattern. The moment feels like forever as we’re walking and I’m leaning. He runs his hand across my skin and touches my neckline before asking when I want to go. I tell him just a little longer. It’s been a long week. And he says we can take as long as we need.

“Where would you like…” His mood is more subdued when I ask him this. He looks down into my eyes as I smile waiting for his response.

“How do you feel about the Pacific Northwest?” He tells me through a smile that shows a few teeth. I know this is a joke and play along.

“Eh? How about something a little more arctic? Alaska? Antarctica?” I wrap my loose arms around him with a play shiver and look into his gaze that pretends to drift but stays quite present in the moment with his grin.

“Use your imagination. Think a little more worldly and exotic. And not like that last one. I loved the African jungle. But why not…”

“Oh, exotic and worldly. How about uncharted?”

“I like that. Now you’re getting into it.” he says and wraps his arms around me tighter.

“Nothing like before. Let’s do somehing…”

“Different. How about a walk on the beach together?”

“I thought you’d never ask. Shall we?”

Bunnies

Sometimes you just need a little help from a friend to look and be your best... 

True friends do their best not to let you down, they catch you when you fall and lift you up when you need them to... when things are hard you discover that not all the people in your life are friends. Stay away from those people. It’ll definitely keep your head mixed up with the wrong thoughts. 

Now there’s nothing wrong with being self reliant and picking yourself up if you can. But it’s greater when there are people around being supportive & reminding you that you’re capable and have control of everything, especially when you don’t feel like it. 

Do you listen to all the people that want you to be happy? Or the ones that want you to be sad?

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Control

(9-8-2010)

Control. That’s what they all want. See them running around yelling at each other like that. No respect. No control over themselves so they displace it onto others.

Oh, hello. I’m fitting you today. Lovely meeting you meeting me isn’t it? Although I’m not entirely sure of whom you are but it’s someone on my list of important names. And apparently you’re the most important one.

Christina? Charlotte? My list seems to be out of… wait there you are Rachel Thorn. Not familiar, but very kind. You are welcome. I can read a person a mile a way and you my dear are pure kindness.

From the looks of things they have you down as a size 2, now that isn’t right, is it? But it…

OF COURSE VERA! I know I got the memo. She’s a size 2. Blah-blah-blah.

Tell me, do you like them lying to you or is it you lying to yourself on this? Shh. There’s no judgment. But I’m the last person in the world you can lie to about size. It’s a shame at that. You are a very lovely size 6, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Can’t breathe love? With all this chaos and nonsense who can blame you.

Pills! No, Goddamn it. Alan! Get this person out of my sight she doesn’t need anything like that.

Don’t they pay you bitches to fight with each other instead of bothering me? Go somewhere else and do that. Take your sizes and pills with you.

Ah, breathing? Yes. Here’s a paper bag. Go on. Like when you were a child. Slow. Deep Breathes. Good girl.

Alright let’s not focus on them, let’s focus on this marvelous dress instead.  And honey, no one will know that you’re anything other than fabulous when we’re done.

Stillness

In order to find stillness in chaos then you must go with flow become what’s surrounding you... be like the ocean when the waves of life are crashing around you. A jealous nature can be pacified. I wear a tattoo of my jealous nature as a reminder not to indulge it. I learned a very long time ago not to let it get the better of me because it meant I truly didn’t love the person if my insecurity overruled my trust in them. How about you? 

Do you find calm in chaos? Or do you let your anger break your calm. 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.  

Calm

(8-6-2014)

calm

his lips curl into a smile

he says nothing

I’m calm

Alone and reflecting

The scent of his skin remains in my mind

When he’s away

a moment of closeness between us

races my heart

but I appear calm

look at the sky

look at the ground

hold the breath before I release the smoke

there’s nothing like his touch

words I can’t find the courage to say

I fake my calm

Inhale and exhale

Building my bravery

But he doesn’t notice

reclining back he takes a drag of a cig

I want to ask for one but don’t

Stay calm

I don’t know that I look

into anyone’s face

the way I look into his

Electric eyes they make my pulse speed

He smiles when I stare too long

Be calm.

Words he says drift away quiet

The stillness of his stare wanders

My forehead then my hair

he pushes away from my touch

he looks away at another's face

I behave calm.

There's only din in my mind

Fury in my hands

He dismisses me

Smile when he’s looking

Smoke a quick cig when I’m alone

Pretend to be calm

It’s not my age

I’m old enough yet.

A girl and yet a woman

He wants to be with her

Older, sophisticated 

I’m anything but calm

She’s everything to me

A version of life

I’ll never be

He smiles and waves at her

She looks happy to see him

Calm down

He leaves me to talk to her

Their words overlap

Few but enough

I want to rip out her brown hair

Her smile matches his face

Calmness evades me

She’s letting him go

I’m watching her stand alone

Smiles looked intimate

Her voice is quiet but she watches him

Never going over to press futher

Calm

XO

Love took on a different meaning when I started reading more about Buddhism & practicing compassion. Buddhism is more that just a photo of Buddha, a Buddha temple, figurine or a tattoo. It’s having an open heart and compassion for others. I’m not going to lie, it’s not always easy to keep your heart open. But it’s worth it.

Love, being supportive & holding compassion is seeing the good in others and their actions instead of the bad. You find the gratitude in things that don’t work out when you want to feel hurt or angered. Truly having love for someone means you’re grateful to get a phone call or message letting you know they’re running late or not able to come rather than see it as an insult they aren’t there. And when you’re apart from others, love helps you find gratitude they aren’t going through their struggles alone and they find time to think of you. To truly have love for someone & be supportive means you don’t seek to hurt them when they don’t live up to your expectations... it’s about give and take. You can’t expect of others to give you the benefit of the doubt when you don’t give them a chance. 

If you don’t love and support others goals & dreams then how can you expect others to support yours? The byproduct of having love, support & compassion for others is much like opening a bottle or can and having it spray on you. Having an abundance of love, support & compassion for others means sometimes you get it all over yourself. Please find more love for yourself and others. 

Here’s something old about give & take...

Enjoy!

kisses, m.

Give into it

6-19-2011

“Give into it” I tell him. 

He still hesitates but says nothing.

He wants to move in but gives nothing more. 

There’s nothing but space between us.

“Feel  it?  You know you want to.” I continue to press.

Instead of answering he tells me “You know you want to move in,” and leans in slightly.

 “Oh but I’m already moving in. Getting close.”

“Then come closer. Ah, but don’t lose your footing.” He tells me.

The same thing again. 

And again. 

We sidestep, around and around. 

Mimicking each other we move. 

Instead of standing side by side we keep spinning face to face. 

 I tell him to stay still and he tells me, “you first” before stepping back.

 I know what I want so I’m willing to go first. 

It’s when he does nothing that I begin to wonder. 

It’s after I start to wonder if this will ever be enough when he moves back in.

His hands taking the lead and pulling me out of my safety net again. 

“Closer. You can do this.” He says. With those words the tone of his voice tells me all I need to know.

“I know I can. But can you?” I tell him. I’m closer than before when his body reacts. 

He says “Closer” to me until I’m near enough to touch his face.

 I’m still with resolve while the air he breathes hits my face.

Resolved to find the calm, I stay still and hold my ground.

“Let me,” he says and takes my hand. 

I let him make the move without stepping back. 

With an instinct, I lose myself to the moment and touch his face. 

My touch precedes his kiss that sends him back a step.

“Give into it” I tell him and pull him closer once again.