Internal

Love is internal. It’s not external. Love exists within. It does keep you warm, metaphorically. It’s not found in the eyes, ears or mouth. Once love is within you, it’s always there. Losses, breakups and hurt feelings can not remove love from you. Others can help you amplify the love within. You can use your eyes, ears, mouth or body to express love for others. But love is eternally found inside of you and you share it with others. 

Love in Buddhism is compassion. My own heartaches always lead me to deepen into my intention to be a more loving human. While I'm healing and integrating the feelings of loss back within I try to focus on sending loving-kindness to others. Sure everyone wants love but much like happiness, it's already within you to be happy and its the same for love.

I'll give you the buddhist answer for once: Love. Just love yourself more. It will all fall into place. When you have love for yourself, you will have love for others. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for not being emotionally ready to share that love. It's okay to keep it to yourself. Personally, I find focusing on myself helps me serve others best. 

If you don't know how to tap into the love within my suggestion is practicing Metta(s) for others. A Metta is a type of meditation. In this meditation you learn to love yourself through connecting and experiencing a sense of unselfish love toward another. Think of someone or something that easily inspires feelings of love, compassion and warmth. It is the best if you can use yourself as the object for compassion. If it's easier you can use a friend, family member, a child or an animal as a benefactor. Once you find your object, you focus on your feelings for them and let the love grow and expand naturally. You can think 'may you be happy' or 'may you be safe' or "may you be well' and if your metta is focused inward then say "may I be happy" and so on. 

Finding love within opens the possibility for true love or compassion.

Here’s a lil ol story about love, the wanting of love and being a little unsure of love. Just remember, everyone deserves to feel love. 

Do you love yourself?  

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

hit.

What is it honey? Tell me about it then. Love. What about? It hits you that’s for sure. Knocks the wind out of you if you’re not careful.

Let me tell you… Falling is the easy part. The jumping is the tricky part. Most people won’t get close enough to the edge before backing out. How does it happen?

Well you meet someone and you find yourself getting to know each other. All too well. That’s always fun. Soon enough you can‘t stand to be apart and you start telling yourself: It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. And somehow you know you’re in too deep.

At that moment of depth you know you’ve been seduced by their charm.  The feeling you get when they’re around is overwhelming happy. There is no one else you’d rather be with. You still wonder if it was supposed to be different. Wasn’t it?

Your defenses are down. You are completely caught off guard. But that is love. And then there’s no other way it could have been. It happened when you weren’t looking. A wall you can’t get around, over, or crawl under.

Before too long comes the realization: I’m hit. This person’s love has wounded me. I’m not the same as I was.

No way it’s all a big accident and fooling is no longer an option. When you look in the mirror you know by your own reflection that it’s growing inside. Love. An emotion that can not be caged is bigger, louder and completely taking you by surprise. Standing face to face with the inevitable and its more than you care to think about.  You’re consumed with the hope that they are feeling the same.

K.I.S.S.

Keep it simple sweetie. You don’t have to mistreat others in order to treat yourself better. Loving yourself has no room for hating anything or anyone else. When you love yourself that extends out to others without a thought. You treat others as you wish to be treated. You apologize when you are wrong. You reach out and give without expectation back from others. Your love is what fills you so you give what’s left to all others. 

I don’t know if it’s a Buddhist lesson so much but it works for me... try to embrace that others are different and have different interests. Maybe instead of punishing or bullying others for not liking the things you do try to understand them. Honestly Dolls and Kens, you’ll get much more out of living when you accept others as they are and take an interest in them. Maybe they do like what you do, but differently?

I’m reminded of something I’ve been working on & cannot share right now. You see I took time over the last two and half years to work on the darkest character I’ve created to date and finish the novel. She’s a bit self centered & unhappy so it’s overwhelming at times. I didn’t interact well with others often when in her head so it’s been fun to see it wrapping up. Anyhoo, here’s a little something new that doesn’t know what to be, doesn’t fit in and has no home among the others but it’s new and trying to be more.

Truly love yourself and you will find love for others.

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Please

Please don’t write me a song.

Please don’t sing for me.

Please don’t make promises you can’t keep.

Please don’t say you love me.

Please don’t say you’ll care.

Please don’t make me wait for you, when you won’t be there.

Please be different.

Please be kind.

Please be honest and speak your mind.

Please give your opinions.

Please give your time.

Please give your heart when you ask for mine.

Please don’t lie to me.

Please don’t manipulate truth.

Please don’t tell me things that really happened aren’t real.

Please have an open heart.

Please have compassion in your soul.

Please be a better man, than those you’ve met before.

Please don’t make me jealous.

Please don’t play with my head.

Please don’t be cruel and make me watch the others you take to bed.

Please be warm.

Please be affectionate.

Please be aware of when to be dominant and when to be weak.

Please don’t hit me.

Please don’t harm others.

Please don’t think there’s strength or power in violence.

Please love yourself.

Please have love for others. 

Please let love guide you when have lost yourself along the way.

Please. Love.

Film

 

Film is fun to photograph on and fun to watch movies on. Immortalizing moments can happen any way you want. There's is no right way to live. Some people never get around to having a drop of alcohol in their life and they don't feel like it's a loss. So... If you never try something maybe you aren't missing out? Don't let someone make you feel like you are missing out in life. Here's a 300 from Aigua.

Do you love film? 

Enjoy

Kisses, m.

Film

 

“James Dean,” he says as I pull my headphones out of my ears.

 

“What?” 

“Rebel without a Cause. Playing later. Wanna go?

“Huh?” I shrug and take a sip of chilled water that’s been perspiring in the glass on the formica table.

Showing me a photo in a magazine, he laughs and says, “You know, it’s a film with James Dean.”

Smiling I think about the last time we talked about films. I asked him to join me on a rainy afternoon and he said he had something else to do but that was only an excuse because he simply didn’t want to go with me. Laughing to myself I recalled how he took Janice Ottomeyer the next day and casually slipped it into conversation a few days later to see if I’d care. I could’ve cared less who he’d taken if it wasn’t me. 

“What are you laughing at?” he rubs my shoulder. 

“Nothing.” I smile and try to avoid his gaze by picking up the magazine to lock eyes with the iconic screen god. 

“You’re not looking at me, it must be something.” He whispers into my ear before poking his head around my shoulder and trying to feign jealously over James Dean. “What’s James telling you about me? Telling you the truth, that I’m making excuses about his lousy film to get you alone?” 

Giggling, I put down the magazine and push his hands away, “Don’t be silly… It’s hardly a lousy film.”

“Well then what is it? Why don’t you tell me then?”

“It’s nothing.” I repeat myself and knock the glass of water that spills across the screen legends perfectly chiseled silhouetted face. 

“Well, if you don’t want to go see the film with me… I could always take Janice again.”

“Alright, let’s go.”

 

Polaroid

 

Sometimes we share moments because we want to tell our story. Sometimes people want validation. Not everyone is the same. Here's a 300.

Do you share your moments? Why?

Polaroid

 

A kiss.

 

A moment to stop time.

 

Looking back at the past I pull the Polaroid from the box that has rested up in the closet longer than it should’ve. I can recall the memory like it was yesterday. The way the wind danced through his hair as he looked into my eyes on the early Summer afternoon. Colors of sunset started to creep into late afternoon; he couldn’t stop touching my face or hair. Wordless we cooed like a pair of doves on the porch of the small cottage we’d been sharing that weekend.  

 

Teasing me he would lean in too close and lean back just when his lips were about to meet mine. Watching his mouth I couldn’t help but anticipate the moment we’d and licked my lips. The cool breeze was whipping my hair in and out of our small union. Whenever he’d caress my cheek with a finger his lips would dance along the same path he traced. Every touch of his hand sent a rush of butterflies through my system. 

 

Leaning forward I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. As I slid my hand along his leg, until I reachedhis waist then pausing before pulling his body closer to mine. After I stopped he reached his hands around me to pull me the rest of the way. The wind whipped my hair into his face and against his skin as he reached back to set the timer on the camera. Laughing at his lack of subtlety, we tried to regain our composure knowing what’s to come. With a lift of his hand he pushed my hair aside as the shutter sounded. Hardly distracted by the sound of the click he looked into my eyes and gently smiled before kissing me.

Bubbles

 

Sometimes it's doing & enjoying the fun little things in life that makes it worth living... here's another one from that acqua series. 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

Bubbles

The bubbles fill the air and cover nothing and everything of my skin as he steps in the tub. I let my hands show him my intention as I push the bubbles aside to reveal more of my body. This brings a smile to his eyes and a flick of his tongue as he stands over me.

Pulling at his hand I beg for him to sit but he teases me by caressing my hair and leaning to kiss my head. Pouting I lean back to reveal myself more until he gives in  to my demand.

Slowly he sits down across from me and watches me and imitates my pout. Once again I'm pulling his hands to join me but he says & does nothing. Completely smitten with his game, I let go of his hands and lean back before touching his face with my foot. Instantly he presses it away and blows a mouth full of bubbles in my direction.

Matching his playfulness I splash him and watch him trying not to giggle at my silliness. Quickly I drop myself into the water. Carefully I scoot towards him letting my hands find their way up his body before letting my lips kiss his chest, neck and finally his face. Turning his head coyly he invites me the try harder. Biting his ear after I whisper, "Kiss me" sends him in a rush of pleasure. 

Taking over control he spins my body and kisses my neck, my chin and chest. Letting me know he's in charge he's stops for a moment to look in my eyes. Again I beg him, "kiss me" and he smiles. Without further hesitation he wraps his arms around me and kisses me deeply amid the bubbles.

Cabana

 

A little rain never hurts anyone but disrespect does. A woman should always be respected with or without her clothing on. Especially when other women ought to know better and of course it sets the tone to men. You know... There's everything right about a man that celebrates a woman's right to be an intelligent sexual being & also an unstoppable force filled with inner and outer beauty. Here's a new one from that Aquatic series of mine.

Do you celebrate & respect women?

Enjoy 

Kisses, m.  

Cabana 

 

An early summer rain gently caresses my clothes until the thin shirt and shorts I’m wearing are sheer and hugging my skin like a glove. The waves along the coast rise and fall much quicker as the clouds grow heavy with intention. Making my way back to our small cabana on the beach, I can see him riding the waves and loving every minute of the spontaneous downpour. 

 

Upon entering the hut I’m stripping off my clothing and letting the warm air dry my skin. Taking a closer look I can make out his muscular body and surfboard catching a wave and falling. As he begins swimming back out toward the next set of waves my curiosity gets the better of my mind and I imagine the look on his face when I greet him wearing absolutely nothing on but a smile. Pleased with the thought I watch him from the window letting the bamboo shade mask my presence. 

 

The breeze soothes my skin as the thin light of day mixed with rain drops kisses my skin. My heart is racing with anticipation as he easily glides through the surf. His command of the board and the water whipping through his hair sends shivers up my spine. Staying my ground, I watch him making his way toward the shore. The empty coastline welcomes him home as he stows his board.Stripping bare his suit down to the flesh, he lets the rain wash the saltwater from his skin. Pushing his head up to the heavens he takes a drink of the warm rain and lowers his eyes to match mine. With a flick of my wrist I pull the front shades and give him a tease. With a smirk and a wink, he makes his way up to the Cabana. 

 

 

The 13th

 

There's something incredibly arousing about someone you like or love watching you. Maybe just their stare as you cross a room or watching each other can be so innocent yet intimate. There's nothing wrong about love or sex. And no need to judge others. How you love and live may be different from another and there's nothing wrong with it.  Here's a 300 from Agua for those who like to watch. 

Do you like to watch or be watched? Have you watched someone or had someone watch you? 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m. 

The 13th

 

Anticipation sends goose bumps up and down my skin. I know what day it is and he knows what day it is yet I’m always nervous he won’t show. He’s never missed a date in over four years although there have been reschedules and repeat shows on both our parts. Slowly I sit down on the edge of the tub and wait for the clock to change hands. At the stroke 1 pm, I start the water in the tub. 

 

We started this ritual on the 13th of every month by accident. My lover walked in on my bathing ritual one lazy summer afternoon and stopped to watch instead of interrupting me. I’d been whistling in the tub when I heard his breathing and saw his eye in the keyhole. Out of fright I screamed and he bumped his head on the old metal knob. Before he could finish yelling out his “Sorry Babe” I was up and out of the tub ready to smack him again. After nursing his bruised ego, he confessed how much he enjoyed the show. So I welcomed him back for a repeat performance and we haven’t had a cancellation yet. 

​

The ticking of the clock and the light in the window reminds me to move ahead slow. I look over my shoulder as I shift the towel down my back, as I turn to face the door, I’m certain he’s ready. The brilliant sunlight glints on the gold of the door and creates flecks of green in his eye that seems to smile as the towel falls past my waist. Slipping into the tub, I make sure to face him and match his gaze. I love watching him watch me. As I play with the bubbles I motion him to join me at last.

 

 

Making Bones

Bones to pick or picking bones. Sometimes people make their own problems and karma has a funny way of sorting it out. Best to live your life right and don't worry so much about what others might think. In Buddhism there is no perfect and the only fear or conflict that exists is what you bring into anything in life. 

Here's a new one from the Bones series. I do love me some skeletons. 

Ever lose your head over something? 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m. 

Making Bones

“Making Bones” Frankie says real calm and folds her hands.

It’s a moonless night and there’s something in the swamp air that smells of death. It’s followed us into the company of Francis Eliette Boudreau, a witch of the backwoods who counsels the good & bad hearted alike without prejudice. She beckons Johnny and myself off to the side of a grave and points to Tommy to move forward so she can assess his dilemma. Our weekly poker game had gotten a little out of hand the last week and Tommy lost more than he bargained for, his head. Frankie is sticking to the rules and letting us have an audience with her on this dark evening.

There’s nothing like playing cards with a dead man, because for the most part he ain’t got nothing to lose... except his bones. And make no mistake a dead man will hunt you across this world if you take his bones unless you win them fair and square. While losing to a skeleton might sound grim it ain’t so bad. You may have the very thing you value so much, your life, but fortunately a dead man hardly wants your life. They rarely will take it, but he will take something you need as Tommy came to realize last week.

“Damn right, I’ve got bones to make,” hollers Tommy as he throws everything off the tombstone table.  The sound of his voice escapes the misshapen skin resembling a deflated football resting above his shoulders.

“Ahhh see your desperate my son, but what can Frankie do for you?” she lifts her hands and removes a small satchel from around her neck. Before Tommy can reply she’s emptied the small bag filled with teeth and bones and sent them shuffling across the tombstone.  “So you came to play?”

While the dead won’t take your life, they’ll make your life hard to live. And if a dead man were cross enough at you, he’d trade his winning bounty in to Frankie to settle up a debt or make a bargain.  One could call Frankie a repo man except the dead had plenty of time to settle up before losing their bones to her collection.

On this particular occasion, Tommy insulted his opponent after losing and the damn skeleton thought it would be funny to give his skull to good ol Frankie for a bigger grave to rest his bones in. The rules give Tommy a chance to win it back in a game of the old witch’s choosing.  And from where we stand she’s chosen dice.

Same as I’ve known for the last ten years, no one has beaten Frankie at a game. As a matter of fact a great deal of men and women, living and dead lose to her. Losing to Frankie more than guarantees you’ve doubled down. My pal Birdie came for her voice after her husband gambled it off, and Frankie ended up with her tongue as well. And once you lose to the witch you never get yours back.

With a wide broken tooth grin, examining her damn near perfect roll of the set of bones, the witch motions for Tommy to gather them and take a whirl. With a twisted nod and a shuffle of his feet, Tommy throws the bones. Back and forth the game continues, until there’s clearly a winner.

With a shrug of his shoulders, he moves his hands to shift his misshapen face. Without a doubt there’s an inkling of a smile as he looks over his perfect roll of the bones.

Tommy looks uneasy but calls the witch on her end of the bargain anyway, “Ma’am, I don’t mean any disrespect, but give me back my head and don't make no bones about it.” 

Frankie walks over and extends one hand with his skull. 

-->

Present

 

  

A friend gave me sad news last week and it made me cry for about four days in between living. Yes buddhists cry & get upset. When the moment and feelings arise... a person who is not fully enlightened will cry out of being present to their emotions but most likely recognize where they are suffering and try to release it. For myself, I'm not enlightened and I may never be but there's nothing like the present... Buddhism teaches me to focus on the present moment. As always I can share with you the answers but I can't say it's for everyone until they experience it themselves. That's the journey. Honestly it's not always easy staying in the moment. Sometimes I'm a bit neurotic; thinking of a bunch of things when I meditate. It's very human of me and I love it. 

My practice also teaches to give love & compassion to others. Even those who are not compassionate. You see love in Buddhism is nothing more than wishing for or willing the happiness of others...  and often I'll include people in my Metta to wish them well if I can not show them a kindness. 

Here's something simply short that's from Water. It really needs a new name... hmm?

Do you cry? What do you do to stay in the present? 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

4:01 p.m.

 

It’s 4:01 p.m.

 

The ticking of the clock is no match for the pounding sound of my heart as the cool air of the afternoon blows against my hot skin. Less than a minute has passed since the phone ringing pierced the silent house. Black mascara tears stream down my face as he speaks faster than my mind can keep up. I would stop him from telling me but I can not force words from my lips. You can live in the wreckage of the moment, but it’s no longer the dream house you remembered. All you can do is pull yourself out of the rubble and slowly rebuild yourself. The important thing when you get stuck in the collapse of moment is force yourself to move on. 

 

Moving is all I can do as I clutch the telephone tighter. Things can only wear you down and try to break your spirit if you let them. A sobbing breath escapes my lips and it’s all I need to do to make him stop talking. He pauses and calmly starts.

 

“Hey, are you ok? How are you?”

 

“I was going to call you sooner.” My voice shakes.

 

“But you didn’t and…”

 

And I didn’t. Simply hearing his voice say it breaks me into tears again. I can’t control my reaction to anything he’s said about his day, about his work and it doesn’t change that it has nothing to do with the way I’m feeling in this moment. 

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Meltdown?”

 

“Sort of.”

 

“Ok. Let’s do that thing? 5 things; GO!”

 

“Clock, phone, oven, skylight, applesauce.”

 

“You bought it!” 

 

“Applesauce! Yes and a handful of peaches for garnish!”

 

Without another word, my tears are dry and I can feel his smile on the other end of the line.

 

It’s 4:15 p.m.

6 x 6

 

Somtimes we are trapped in the little rooms of our minds. Even with the most disciplined spiritual practice of meditation it's easy to feel out of sorts. Some days my life feels like it's... feels like I'm hanging from my ceiling and the universe makes little sense. I could resist the feelings and let it leave me spinning but my Buddhist practice insists to simply go with it. It's ok to recognize the confusion of things but try not to let it keep you from enjoying life.

Here's a new 300 from Water which I'll be releasing soon. I'm considering changing the name. The series was written/inspired three years ago and I'm in a different place. C'est La Vie!

Do you get stuck in your head instead of focusing on the present? 

Enjoy!

Kisses, m.

6x6

​

Six feet by six is the size of the room we selected, shared and decorated with our bodies. Afternoon light and sounds cascade across the wood floor as the warm summer air is interrupted by a cool breeze entering the window. Goosebumps run up and down his arms and legs. He’s been awake longer than asleep today so I let him rest. His chest raises and lowers quicker and a slight moan suggests his dream startles his psyche. I place my hand to his head and wipe away sweat before gently placing another pillow under his head. 

​

The same memory has woken me a hundred times over. And I can’t fall back to sleep. So I watch him quietly during our midday slumber. Waking to a feeling that seems to never completely pass leaves you haunted. My sleeping hours are filled with thoughts of actions that can’t be taken back and musings questioning if they ever existed. You can’t know what someone’s thinking or feeling but there’s so many things you see when you look closer. 

 

Watching his chest expand and retract reminds me how precious life is. As the lazy sun climbs the walls and blankets the floor, I see his eyes open. Watching me back he smiles and says nothing. I feel out of my body as though I am looking down on it all and realize that I feel more present in this instant with him, someone I hardly know, than I’ve felt in a long time. Gently he places his hands on mine, lips on mine, circling me closer with his legs reminding me what it’s like to feel human again. For a moment I’m liberated from the room in my mind that’s much smaller than the one we share on this warm day in June.